Young Writers Society

Awesome. You did this in your math book?

I suppose I should introduce myself. kayfortnight, but most YWSers call me Kay. I'm here to review your work.

Love your theme. Your poem is joyous, yet with the slightest dark undertone of death and despair. At least it is in my opinion, but I probably totally misinterpreted this.

Generally when you end a line, you try to end it on a strong word. Therefore I'd suggest rewording a couple of your line breaks, like when you end on they. The line doesn't have as much force, or pow then.

Try varying your line breaks some. They all seem about the same length, and some trip over the tongue. You want to make your poem flow beautifully, right?

Hullo there! Sapi here to the rescue. I know you posted this a while ago, but just saw it so lonely here and I think this definitely deserves a review! So, here we go...

In general:

This is a really nice poem! Some real broad and general ideas are encased in a nice way here, and I like that. I also like the future tense used here. I hardly ever see future tense, so it's a nice, refreshing change and it gives the poem an interesting style.

Typos:

Remarkably typo-free, good job! Just a couple that I noticed here:

"and throw in onto your soul"

I believe this should be "and throw it onto your soul." Very small error.

"jut like them."

'Jut' should be 'just'. That's it.

Specific Comments:

"you don't have enough strength
in you to walk."

The flow was pretty good up until this line break. It sounds a little awkward, at least in conjunction with the previous line breaks. Maybe try something like-

'you don't have enough strength in you
to walk.'

"and your screams won't be heard
because all the people in your past
are too far into the future.
and the people in your present don't know you
well enough to distinguish your screams from
your laughs."

This is probably my favorite part of the whole poem. The word choice and the phrases you used here are really beautiful. The flow is probably at its best here as well. Don't change this part a bit.

"but then the ones you love(d)"

I don't quite understand why you used the (d) here. It looks like maybe an edit you made afterwards...? But it doesn't make sense in a poem at all. Either choose the past tense or the present for this one...

"from the old you that they
have been carrying all this while
from their pocket."

I see that this gramatically makes sense, but from a reader's point of view it doesn't really. I would maybe change the last line to "in their pocket" instead. But it's your choice. Byno means necessary.

General Sum:

Well, good job! Especially for something spontaneous as to be on your math book! XD There are a few things to work on still...maybe read it through out loud and see if you want to change any of the rhythm. But good! Keep up the poetry!

~Sapi

Jeeze, you seriously only wrote this from the top of your head!? A genius is amidst us all...