Young Writers Society

This seems interesting enough but it was confusing at the start, when he or she talks to themselves. It would be good if there were speech marks or it is in italics to shows thought. I would have liked some more description across the chapter. A few more on the building, possible the main character's appearance, and a little more on the creatures.

A general description on the weather and the night would be nice as well. I sort of get this really chilly exciting feeling about the scene but it would be helped along with more description to aid to the atmosphere that you intend to create.

Now onto the good stuff. The pace is very good, I like how enough detail is given whilst at the same time the plot moves on at a good pace. Further more, you have already given a good insight into the character's personality such as how he seems almost arrogant and how he ultimately decides to label the creatures cowards regardless of realising their intelligent manoeuvre. Also there seems to be a confidence which they display that seems a bit over the top. This not only helps understand the character but it displays their flaws which may come in handy for plot development in the future.

This can be very interesting for a story but only thing is, I cannot bring myself to sympathise with protagonists who are just plain stupid and who get into trouble because of stupid things which they do. Oh well, I guess I just have to find another character to favour. Onto the next chapter..............

Hi there!

This was quite an interesting piece, and quite well done!

I think, firstly, that you should use some way to isolate thoughts, like italics, because the thoughts voiced in the first part of the work are confusing. The reader is not certain if they are thoughts, spoken words etc.

The isolated sentence, the second-last paragraph, contains a grammar mistake. The "know" should be "knew", as you are still in the past tense. If, however, these words are the direct "spoken" thoughts of the narrator, you should leave them as is, but use italics to show that they are mental dialogue.

Your story so far has a very visual basis, much like a description of an anime movie. This is not in itself negative, but try to include some other senses in your beautifully detailed descriptions. The flat may smell like boiled cabbage. The wind may whistle in the character's ears and his/her nose may start to run. Give some show of feelings, experiences and emotions.

You have succeeded in capturing the interest of the readers in this prologue. You have said enough, but not too much, so the reader feels compelled to read on and discover exactly what is going on here.

Well written!

Wow, cool. Different, but this is good different. You did very well at pulling the reader in, me, with the suspense and drama of it all. Quite an enjoyable story. Your punctuation was really good, could use fixing in a few places but not many. Your spelling was good but I think it would do this story well if you rephrased a few parts seeing as it sounded wrong, made sense but would of been much better phrased differently. Great story, great author. Good luck.

S.K

The set of questions the character says/thinks or whatever..I don't know clearly..they could've been more intriguing if stated just accurately?

The line :-

"I thought so. All of you cowards. Can’t even stop me from taking the golden box from the Casto’s room. That old geezer might never even notice it’s missing."

It's a bit confusing..but first..we don't even know if the characer's male or female..I'm guessing male. Who's Casto? How the character stole it? And who are coawrds? Is he talking about the creatures?

The chapter overall kept my interest and excitement..but it was confusing at times..introducing new questions and answering them later is other thing and confusing is other..but since I assume..it's a new thing..and you haven't much planned or something..I 'm only assuming..so ok..

The writing didn't dissapoint me..but you know...it can always be improved..

The basic mistakes are all mentioned by others..so I'm not going down that route.

At last, I think and strongly would advise..that you should continue this but do plan it..so you know which thing to tell and which not..so it do anything but confuse us to a point where we wouldn't be able to read it...overall..a good job as always..

Hope the review helped..XD

Hey Twinkle! Auxiira here to review!!

The first four paragraphs seem sorta strange in this. Is he saying them? Is he thinking them? Who is her talking to? Why is he thinking/saying them? Think about that. I like it, it just seems a little strange.

were occupied by tons of people.

they had no desire for fallingto fall into the hands of trouble.

Trouble that I usually brought with me, they said, while doing my night duties.

Vicious, lime yellow eyes glowed in the dark, fixed at the box.

Their pointed, cat-like black ears twitched

dived in after me.

Still clutching the box, I stretched my arms out in time to grab the metal railing and swing myself onto the steps.

With one hand on the railing, I lifted myself onto it; my feet perfectly balanced.

They hadn't moved an inch closer, to my content.

Then I pushed the railing with my feet hard enough to send me flying a few feet away and onto a very old, rusted windowsill; my windowsill. I slipped in.

Hey Twinkle,

Your story here is interesting, but I felt it was a bit fragmented. Your descriptions are pretty good, particularly here,

I stood on the metal window sill, looking down from several floors above. The flats were all adjoined, running along a line from one corner of the street to the other. Parallel lines of flats, connected by metal stairs that zigzagged in between them, were occupied by tons of people. Each of them had their window shutters down by nightfall as they had no desire for falling into the hands of trouble. Trouble that I usually brought with me, they said, while doing my night duties.