Young Writers Society

It's = it is. Its = Possessed by It.
The world, = proper placement of comma. The world , = improper placement of comma.
till = a verb to dig up the land. until= an introduction word representing some form of waiting.

Swallowing the image
and then gasping for air
But the air is gone
Your heart compresses deeper into you
Everything raises
like clump that tries to suffocate you
from the inside.

This is all one sentence. In truth, it is a fragment and a sentence joined by a conjunction. "Swallowing the Image and then gasping for air" is a fragment because it has no subject even though it is standing in place of a subject. Swallowing is a verb, and verbs begin the preposition of a sentence. They can also begin a sentence in some cases when they are imbedded clauses. In this case, you have the imbedded clause "and then gasping for air" which is also a subject-less sentence. Sometimes this doesn't really matter in poetry, but I figured I'd point it out to you so you could take a look and decide what you wanted to do.
And, But, and other words like that should not start a sentence unless that part of the sentence can be moved to BEHIND the second part.
Example:
Because we talk like this, we are screwing up our grammar in English.
We are screwing up our grammar in English because we talk like this.
[quote=]Your heart compresses deeper into you[/quote] This is a complete sentence. You should mark it off as such.
"like clump that" this is sad that it's awkward because it's missing an article (the, a, an) because it is a really intriguing image.

A pain in the chest that isn't planning to leave

Interesting, here we have a sentence which has a subject, A pain in the chest, but it has 'that' which is supposed to link clauses, when you don't really have a need for it. "A pain in the chest isn't planning to leave" is acceptable. I see why you put that in there, but you're tying together the preposition and the subject which are already tied together naturally in the sentence. I almost feel like you need "It is a" in front of the entire thing to get rid of the awkwardness of That or the sentence which I substituted. Also it's perfectly fine alone, so it needs a period, as well as the next line below it.

"And makes you feel it, feel the reality of it all- but you wish you didn't." this is how I read the next part, and I think the comma really helps because it allows a pause to let everything sink in just like you're talking about in the poem.
Why must my mind pray instead of just me praying myself?

The last two lines are very perplexing to me. I think it's mainly because I don't know what is causing the pain, but that is perfect for this poem. Overall I really like that you focused on the person's reaction to whatever it was rather than what it was. That really helps me see that this poem is purely about the reaction, the pain, and the fear instead of about the reason why it is there. That is a good subject matter especially since it's relate-able. I would suggest cleaning up your lines, work on sentence structure to improve the poem.

Wow. This is very dark and mysterious, but it has some potential. I like how you described some stuff in detail, how the narrorator believes that it was a dream but it wasn't.

I really like the last sentence!=

and feel your eyes crumble.

I saw grammar mistakes, but those are barely noticable so I'm not going to point them out. I have a feeling that you didn't write this out of life experiences, and that's alright, but as a poerty/song-writer, I believe that writing out of personal experiences gives you more detail and emotion in the stanzas.

Oh! speaking of stanzas. I also saw how you didn't seperate the poem. I found it kind of confusing how you didn't; it made me re-read it over, and over again. Try to do that to you're poems (you aren't required, poems can be written in many different ways).

Overall though, I liked it!

Great job and keep writing! Drop a note on my wall if you need another review, I'll be happy to check it out!

~Pixie