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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi HellLightning! Niteowl here to throw her two cents in for Review Day!
Overall, I liked this. It has some beautiful wording (like the "hours flowing"), and although I don't mind ERZA's suggestion about stanzas, it sort of works in the prose-poem format. Most of my comments are grammatical.
I think "In that time" should be used instead (here and throughout the piece) because you're reference a period of time rather than a specific moment. Also, it should be "you were".
Should be "There was you". Maybe "and nothing else mattered" or "and I saw nothing else" would fit better.
This is beautiful.
This is some odd wording. I might re-write as "But today you fill my memories, making me wonder: Are you out there today, just the way I remember?" I'd also cut the last "From that time...". I'm not a big fan of ellipses and it didn't add much.
Overall, there's a powerful sense of nostalgia. I'm confused as to the nature of this relationship (familial? Romantic?) but I'm okay with that. Just some grammar fixes would make this piece shine. Good job and keep writing!
Wow such a mesmerising poem! Anyways before I review I need to get this clear..please try to do it in stanzas...
Good work!!
At that time I was innocent,
and my memory tells me
how beautiful were you.
At that time,
my hours were flowing
next to the door where
I was waiting for you
to take me away.
With you, all my pains
and fears would disappear.
The absence of the dearest one
would not hurt anymore,
the cruel intentions of the world
around me would not matter anymore.
There were you and nothing more did matter.
I remember your voice,
your smile, your hand on my cheek.
At that time,
your appearance was my salvation.
I knew you would come for me and
take me far away from the pain.
I always knew and waited for you.
And you always came.
At that time...
But that time was swallowed by the past.
I'm not the person I was at that time
when you were next to me.
But today you are coming back
to my memories that are
bringing me the question:
Do you exist today, being just the way
I remember you? From that time...
Thats just about the way how we generally right poems anyway..here comes my review!!
So firstly...I could get what you are trying to express...beautifully written poem!
It gives a vibe of nostalgia...the theme..the mood and the colors...everything is so very clear in here...there is also a sort of mysterious side to this..there is emotion too an so it comes out as a very fine piece of poetry!
Hello here is a little knight squirrel with not very much of a sword with a review that I hope will help you.
OK this here is not very clear
And another thing you need to tell a bit who "you" is.
Good work otherwise.
Keep writing and good luck.
Until late good bye.
~Jon~
Hi, Jordin!
At first, thank you for the review!
"my hours were flowing next to the door where I was waiting for you to take me away." means: I was spending many hours next to one particular door, waiting for that person to come for me.
Sorry, I'm not going to reveal in public who is that person. I can't do it because everyone can read it here, even the people who wouldn't understand it and would probably have some nasty comments. But if you want to know who is that person, contact me via Private Messages, and in a private message I can tell you more
thank you once again for liking my work