z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Ouroboros Obscura

by Cspr


The coyote, the crows, the dog, the cat--they did nothing.
The coyote, a familiar friend, watched from the edge of the burnt siena
forest. 
The crows perched in the poplars, cawing. 
The dog, black and white, maybe once a coonhound, frothed behind a log, eyes gone dark. 
The cat had ran, a ginger dash against monochrome tawny hills, cracked red dirt dunes, and dead young people--pines, pines, we were out in the country, it was pines.
I watched it move, a magnificent s
I watched the snake, the green, black-striped snake, writhe and made dirt puff. 
It was a mutant, like all of us now. It bore two heads, one at each end, and made me think of the rat king carcass I’d found in my grandmother’s attic. 
 
It was the symbol for the new world,
the symbol for the old world.
For light,
dark.
Indifference,
passion.
Peace,
chaos.
Angels,
demons.
 
It was everything. I think it had once been a Rattlesnake, even if the colors were wrong. I wished it to be a Rattlesnake, not a Ribbon Snake. 
More venomous than poisonous. Mutated in coloration, but with teeth that still offered a death that the desert beyond didn’t. 
I pulled back white-gone-dirt sleeves and held my wrists to the serpent, and when it turned its resentful hisses towards me, I saw its mouths were missing teeth, just had black tongues flicking at the dry air, scenting. 
 
Disgusted, I stood up 
and then stomped on its center. I heard bone crunch. 
The crows flung themselves from poplars, the coyote fled, but the dog stayed staring dead at a patch of ferns.
 
“I wish I could eat you,” I told the dog, “but nothing’s right anymore.” 
 
It wasn’t, so I ate canned spinach and pears and the odd pickled eggs and pigs’ feet found in my grandmother’s cellar. 
I fed Californian rabbits blue-tinted prairie grass and waited for the day their offspring stopped having eyes in the wrong places. 
I put on my grandmother’s prom dress and then her wedding dress and danced in the thorny apple orchard until both were useless, and burned them with the stillborn lambs. 
I burned them with all the skeletons, partial or otherwise, I had managed to drag from town.
 
There were so many imprints of people, silhouettes, and I wondered if they’d ever blow away. The clouds had. I’d vomited, some of it bloody, for the first few days, but I didn’t die. 
Same as I hadn’t died when all the children thought me a witch, having cat’s eyes. 
Same as I hadn’t died when trampled by cows, hadn’t even had a bone broken.
Same as I hadn’t died when the children taunted us, us in the pines, for being inbred.
 
Whatever I was born as, I’d always been like them, the mutants. Grandmother had died in the first few days, so she didn’t have it in her genes enough. I had.
 
So I sat down, a few feet from the now dead snake, and started picking 
fuchsia coltsfoot and violet daisies to make flower garlands, 
ignoring the humming of suddenly docile, odd-flying hornets, yellow jackets, and wasps, but watchful for the stutter-flight of suicidal wood bees. 
I squinted against a glare of sunlight and the flowers blurred into blood and the wasps into bombs. 
 
I stood up, shivering, and crushed the flowers underfoot, easier than the snake spine, and walked straight-legged for the house. 
The dog followed, but stopped, as if it heard something, and fell to the side.
It fell where I’d been melting spoons four days earlier. It didn’t get back up.
 
I hummed to myself as I looked at my captured horde of oddities--my naked chickens; my goggle-eyed rabbits; the black triad of sheep and the blind ram; the goat with horns along its back, bone protruding like dragon scales from its spine; and the pony whose feet returned to that of its ancestors, hooves opened a week ago and blossomed into clawed feet. 
The clouds went back over the sky, casting the world to dusk, and I looked at the stack of used cans I would use for shooting practice if I finally managed to get a gun, looked at the blue-white gleam of the metal, and thought
I would do all right in this world.


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621 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2013 9:36 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



First of all: CREEEEEEEEEEEEEPYYYYYYYYYYYY
Very very very creepy. I congratulate you a scaring the wits out of me while using not violence or axe murders.
I loved all your descriptions of the animals that had been mutated. I assume from the part where you said
"I squinted against a glare of sunlight and the flowers blurred into blood and the wasps into bombs."

that all this happened because of nuclear bombing and radiation? Okay, I'm gonna go based off of that.
You used such descriptive words, like when the narrator crushed the snake.
You also made good use of emotion, like where the narrator was talking about how she didn't die when the children made fun of her. I could hear the pain in the way you wrote that. I could hear the pain in the deliberate way she did her motions, and from the moan of the ruptured world around her.
Your actions were amazing, and I could visualized EVERYTHING.
I'm glad for the little hope you put in at the end, with the: "I would do all right in this world." It made me like her just a little bit, and think her strong that she could look at the disaster of the earth and think something positive.

You have a really unique writing style. You wrote well and everything was coherent. Good job, I commend you on this fabulous piece.
Keep writing, if you ever write more of this, I would love to read it!
-Fortis Fortitude




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Sun May 26, 2013 12:31 pm
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JonQuill wrote a review...



Oh man, I really liked this. Such vivid imagery was inspired by your words, some images were really confronting, and even somewhat disturbing and I like that in literature. I really got a feel for the world in which this is set in, and it greatly interests me.
but I have to say, this does in fact seem more like a short story than a poem. But I like it better like that. You should maybe try and extend it, I feel like this has a whole lot of potential as a series of stories in the same universe, up to you though. Anyway, I'm going to follow you now, I can honestly tell you that this is probably my favourite piece I have read on here so far.

keep writing

- Jon




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:38 am
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Aley wrote a review...



This poem seems more like a short story, a really really odd short story, but captivating because I have to wonder how it ended up like this. I think the main difference between this and a poem for me is that this has a lot of vivid details about side stories, background, the world, and less metaphorical, symbolic, and structure of poetry. If you had a simple scene from this world, like just of the snake, or just of the death, or just of the mutated goat, and some symbolic message you're trying to give rather than the radiation causing destruction, and this is the results, than I would feel like it was more poetry.

As it stands, I like it as a short story. You have a very vivid way of describing things, the first person is good, and you don't really dwell on things too much, but I have to caution you about the 4 main characters you introduce to begin with, that seems a lot like a joke instead of something as serious as this is. It's almost like, A witness man, a priest, a rabbi, and a jew walk into a bar type of joke.

I also don't really see how they fit into the overall story particularly. The real story starts for me at I watched it move, and continues through. Also I don't like the part where you just list the opposites, we don't really need that, it's already explained enough by "It was the symbol for the new world,/ the symbol for the old world." That has enough said in it to not need the rest of the symbols unless you want to give us examples of animals that represent those things which you are using in the poem.




Cspr says...


Thanks for your critique, love. I'll take it to mind!



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Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:29 pm
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Holysocks says...



Hello! I found this at the bottom of the pile, so I thought I'd give reviewing a try.

First things first, I would like to say that I LOVE your poem and how creepy you made your character, as well as the whole story for that matter.

secondly, I found your first paragraph a little confusing due to the intro. For an example, when you said, the coyote, the crows, the dog and the cat were all doing nothing... And then go on explaining what they are doing... Your readers start to get pulled away and lose track of what you are trying to say. Right? Does that make sense?

On the fourth paragraph, second line, you say,

"I heard bone crunch."

It almost goes with the style you use, but there's something about it I can't quite put my finger on. I'm really not sure.

After those things your writing was fun and easy to follow! Except, for some very odd reason I don't like the words, "Mutant" and "Mutated" I have no idea why, but they don't scare me or creep me out at all! But that's most likely just me.

Anyways, keep up the awesome writing... Or I'll hurt you!!!





Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
— ChieRynn