Walking boldly, I have reached my last turn
No thoughts nor shred of emotion is left in my brain,
No yellow nor red light to warn me of the great ditch at the end of the lane,
This is it, all my life’s hard work has gone in vain,
What great pain I have caused you,
From time to time I hurt you,
But you never ever stopped loving me
You are the best, only good apples come from a good tree,
Poem after poem, song after song,
No amount of words will ever ease your heart of the great sorrow,
Not even seeing me will tag you along,
I cheated and lied to you for so long,
But you never stopped opening your hearts door
Every day I would say a prayer,
I would thank God for giving me such a partner,
asking, that he should never take you away from me,
“I love her so very much” so I said in plea
But he took you, “for a good reason”, so he said
The more I look for that reason the more you run through my head,
The love between us is obscurely
All the sweet words I used to call you are now costly
Baby love, beautiful, gorgeous and of Couse honey
These with much thought leave me lonely
Causing our hearts to part and grow distinctly
Maybe getting over me is your best option,
I don’t dispute, but consider love as your greatest retaliation
I’m not asking for your forgiveness, my God already heard my confession,
All I’m asking is that you consider the friendship on my pam
For my love for you will never end like a dry dam
Breaking up should not be directly linked to hatred, it’s a phase in life that one needs to consider as a stepping stone to create a better and stronger relationship in future.
Hi there! Welcome to YWS and may you enjoy your time on the site
barefootrunner here to review.
Firstly, if you had put this in the Lyrics category, I would have rejoiced at it. This piece just screams 'sing me'! So as lyrics, I think it would go way further and you have musical talent in your work
As poetry, it does not really do it that much. You have almost no poetic devices, no real meaning to your lineation, no strong poetic elements. I'd recommend you placing this in the lyrics category so that it can be judged more on its message and inherent rhythm than on its rhyme, meter and metaphors.
So shortly, this is not a very strong poetic work, but in music, I think it has real promise because of its message and rhythm. But for that it would also do well with rhyme. So go for it!
Keep writing and enjoy
barefootrunner
Hi there, uncletyoyo. Happy Review Day ^-^
I say this to everybody, so I'll say it to you:feel free to ask me to review anything at any time ^-^ I genuinely don’t mind. I also help with editing, it’s sort of my forte, so if you’re ever uncertain about your work or have over read a piece, you can have me examine it and I’ll do my best to give advice and whatnot.
I've said that about thirty times today ^ lol (on account of Review Day)
Anyhoo, on to the review~
The piece implies a lot of genuine feelings and emotion, and you presented a lot of visual for the readers.
A few parts were a bit rough, and I suggest you polish this piece up. But overall, nicely done, lots of effort put into this ^-^
Keep writing!
Catnip
I think this poem could use some condensing. The basic outline is that the speaker is heading for their death. They are close enough that they can see the ditch, but there's nothing that's stopping them from going into it. This brings the image of a sharp nasty crash to mind, not something long and drawn out. Next, we get into the nitty gritty of the poem, talking about why they're going to their death. I think it's a bit presumptive to assume that the other individual in this poem never stopped loving the first. I am not sure that line really does anything for me personally either aside from question the reliability of the speaker. Also that is right by the line that good only makes good, and that is not always the case, so I was again, drawn into question. I feel like the apples line should really just be left out or made into it's own poem. Going through the poem there were other things as well that were a little confusing, or just unnecessary. Personally I feel like the meat of the poem is about this person going to their death because they've lost their partner. It's not about how, or why, or if they're to blame for their loss, but the pain of losing them even with that guilt. If you wrote this poem with the feelings of the end of the relationship, that would be perfect for me.
This shows true emotion and feeling towards the break-up. It made me truly think about how people hate so easily in this world without giving friendship a chance. Great wording used and alot of sad emotion, that I can see.