Published April 2, 2013
"Relax". The word ran through my mind, over and over again. We just get moved into a huge creepy house, and the first thing they do? Go to the casino. I try to tell them that I get afraid when I'm home alone, but I get the same response everytime. I watch out the window as the rain pounds on the glass, and lightning flashing across the sky, when I hear something very odd.
The doorbell.
I walk down the stairs slowly, and peek out the window. When I look outside I'm surprised to see a young boy outside. He looks about five or six. I undo the lock and open the creaky door.
"Are you okay?" I ask softly. He keeps his head down, his black shaggy hair drips of rain, and his clothes are drenched, but he doesn't seem to notice. "Can I come in to call my mother?" he says in a small, but almost forceful voice. I start to open the door to let him in, until he looks up at me. Something isn't right. It takes me a minute, but I realize what it is, his eyes.
They're black, completely black.
He gets an annoyed expression on his face and repeats himself a bit louder. "Can I come in to call me mother? He's very worried." he says. "H-he?" I mimick, studdering. He furrows his eyebrows, and begins to yell, "LET ME IN TO CALL MY MOTHER! LET ME IN! INVITE ME IN! I NEED TO CALL HIM!" he screams. He lunges forward and I slam the door shut, locking it, and running upstairs to my room.
*2 hours later*
My parents make it home, and they ignore everything I tell them about the strange boy. When I go to bed that night, I look out my window, and catch a glimpse of the same boy by my mailbox, staring at me through my window, with his pitch black eyes.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Okay, Black here for a review!
Okay, so nice work here! I'm not sure if this is a short story, a quick little idea, a prologue for a novel, or a beginning chapter for a novel, but anyway! Nice work, it read easily and it makes me want to go and find out what happens later on . . . Your grammar and spelling is quite nice, you seem on the high road to a plot and there really isn't much for me to say about this (That's critical)
Grammar & Spelling: Overall this part of your writing is really quite nice! The sentences aren't to long to make them to hard to read, or too short to earn my disapproval (I like information packed sentences).
Okay, there are two problems with this sentence. First of all, 'everytime' isn't a word, I think you mean 'every time' . . . it's two words. Also, you don't say what their response was . . . you HAVE to give your reader what you keep hinting that you have. I know that what they say probably won't be a great thing . . . so give what you hint to. It hurts if you don't.
I mimick, studdering. He furrows his eyebrows, and begins to yell
Okay, so there are a number of problems here, first off I think you mean 'mimic' not 'mimick', and 'stuttering' not 'studdering'. . . . Also, you don't say why she doesn't resist him, she feels nothing when he does this . . . how old is 'she'? What's her name? . . . Give us information (Information is critical to first chapters/ prologues.
All right, just a quick add on note, this story's paragraphs have a major problem in that the dialogue is all bunched together. You have to separate the dialogue as the suppliers change, otherwise it becomes an incomprehensible mess of gibberish. . . .
The Rest: Seeing as this is under short story, you have a problem. You have a thousand and one questions that beg answers . . . I want to know who the boy is? Who is 'mom' was? Who 'she' is? . . . you don't answer any of these questions, it's like you expect me to guess . . . (That never works) A short story must have information that makes your reader know the answer to questions . . . otherwise you just feel empty when you're done.
Overall? Not much to say here, it's really pretty good, I enjoyed it. It read easily, the anonymity had a nice touch to it, I guess. . . . But you need to answer those questions and break up that dialogue.
Good work (Keep it up!)
~Black~
Dude, totally creepy.
Alright, so I'd say watch your tense. Instead of reflecting about moving in, perhaps actually describe the process of moving in. Talk about bringing in the boxes, or sitting on the newly placed couch, wet with rain, and rocking, or thinking relax. That will give your story more of a context and place it in our heads. We need that in order to really understand what this girl is going through. I'd love to be able to meet the parents too, both before and after the story. Fleshing it out with these details instead of just having the climax fleshed out will allow us to find the climax on our own instead of being fed it by the change in tone.
Let the two hours go by with her staring at the clock every x paragraphs and put up the time. Add in her concerns with what is going on, where she is hiding in her room that she can't see the boy at the mailbox while she's waiting for her parents.
Also I really want to see what this creepy house looks like. Are there cobwebs everywhere? Is it white exterior/interior? Is there wallpaper crumbling off the walls? What about the state of any wood? Is it eroded? I think these details will really bring the story to life. Act as a director, someone always tells me, and explain what sort of set you want in order to create the full effect. You could even have something like a hanging lamp swaying for no reason, or flickering bulbs from the lightning strikes. You could make the power go out.
In other words, this is really creepy and well written, but it needs more body. There are a lot of things that you can flesh out, and I'd love to see you do it. It would totally set the atmosphere without using cop out words like creepy house.
I loved it!! I just wish that it was a little longer. I thought that the boy was a great effect of the supernatural creepiness was pretty cool. Awesome job!
This was an excellent short story. Although I was disappointed that no one got hurt at the end.
The boy's reference to his mother as 'him' was a pretty good touch to the story. It was as creepy as the boy's eyes.
Good work!
Hi there!
I'd firstly like to say well done for creating such a gripping piece of work.
I'm slightly stunned because I'm home alone right now and its pitch black outside, so thanks for scaring me!!! hehe I'm kidding but seriously this is really good and reminded me of the Woman in Black!
There are a few mistakes which you pointed out. I was confused to whether the boy wanted to call his mother or father? also to develop this further you could maybe build up the suspense before we see the boy's eyes, this will make it more terrifying!
Hope this helps!
Well done and keep writing!
~*Annapurna*~
I see a couple grammar mistakes in my work, and I'm sorry.