Before anything else, you made a common mistake in a few of your sentences.
[verb 1]ing, X does {verb 2}.
This means that verbs 1 and 2 are being done at the same time. Sometimes it doesn't make sense in your writing. How could he reach out and grab her shoulder at the same time? If he's reaching out, he's clearly not grabbing her shoulder yet.
Aside from that, I'll point out that this is moving too quickly for my taste. I feel as if you should afford the audience more time to savor the emotions that should be present in situations like this. I'd like to reiterate that I'd still like more thoughts and emotions from Jack, and more body language as well.
You're good at writing action-packed scenes, though - I'll give you that. However, this also proves to be a problem when you write everything else - you tend to treat them like they're full of action as well, staying brief and not really putting much feelings in. Like I said, everything moves too fast for the reader to actually get a grip on the emotions and thoughts that ought to be present. In fact, after this second chapter, I can't say I would care if Jack died, when by this point I should already be either clearly for/against Jack. Indifference is worse than hate. At least if I hate your narrator I might stick around in the hopes of seeing him die. If the reader doesn't care, then what's stopping the reader from tossing aside your story in favor of another? Nothing.
Try to establish a connection between your reader and Jack first, and solidify it before letting something else happen. Your characters need to be people, not just words on a page. Right now, they feel kind of one-dimensional. Add more little quirks to them to make them feel more real, and maybe toss in a few contradictory traits to make them really seem human. (You'll note that most people you meet contradict themselves often; it's only human to do so.)
Might I also ask where everyone else is? It seems odd that they'd suddenly disappear and leave just one man to guard something that could win them a war. Common sense would dictate that no matter how well-hidden they believed themselves to be, they ought not leave just one man to guard something so important.
Also, if Sophie's foot crashed through rotting, wet wood, I'm surprised she's okay. I'd wager she has at least a wound, and a dozen splinters thrown in. Rotting splinters in the skin = not good. That might lead to infections and a whole other slew of medical problems. Even worse, you said she had debris fall on her, but she seems to be unscathed after that point. It's weird, and off-putting. It broke my suspension of disbelief. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you enforce that rule in your writing, it'll be more interesting, and you'll have more conflict that you need. (Right now, it feels as if your story has waned in terms of tension and this really feels more like a filler chapter than anything.)
Azirah
ETA: Forgot to tell you: in first person POV, if your character doesn't hear something, then it doesn't make its way into the narrative. Since your character didn't know what she was saying, then the reader shouldn't know she said, "I'm cold," the first time around. Maybe have him hear a whimper and put that in instead.
Points: 2090
Reviews: 15
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