Young Writers Society

I love this. There were a few parts that didnt flow too well, but the depth and emotion in this is amazing. Keep on writing, you have a great talent for it. As Payne said, the reversal of perspectave in the middle was perfectly done. Kepp it up kid.
Neko x

This is a very sweet, inspirational poem. I like the turn-around you use toward the middle of it; it's a nice touch.

There were a few spelling/grammar errors throughout, and in one section you spelled 'part' as '[art'.

This was a lot to read, but it was very lovely! Uh...since I think everyone else has covered the finer points of the poem, I'll just say keep up the good work!

Beautiful.....
I have nothing to complain about. No criticism. This is a beautiful poem that really gets to the emotion and feeling. This is a deep, heartfelt poem. I really, really love it. All I ask is that you keep writing such amazing works

~Rainn

When all you want is for it to end
When all you wish for is a single friend
When you cry in your room feeling all alone
When you just want that one person to call your own
When you sad and depressed
When you all you feel is distress
When you have that empty feeling in your chest
When you just want to lie down and rest

When everyone seems to forsake your truth
When everyone seems to always hate you
When no one ever really seems to be there
When you crying out why screaming hate at the air
When you want to die and can’t find a reason why
When you want to cry and all the reasons are why
When you are feeling dead all alone on your bed
When thoughts of your life are rushing through your head

When you scream out for help and no one comes
When you don’t have anyone, not even your mom
When your friends are fighting and you cry out stop
When you get pushed down and trampled upon
When your life seems so low you have nowhere to go
When you’re trapped in the prison of your own hateful soul
When life seems so tough that you want to give up
When your mood is always angry and you’re in a constant rush

When it all comes down on you and it’s finally too much
When you feel like you can’t breathe and are getting crushed
When life is unfair and you pull at your scream
When you’re finally sick of just screaming at air
When your parents won’t listen and you feel left out
When you’re always the one little dude that is always left out
When you sit in your room with that same old knife
When you always promise yourself that this is the night

When you’re crying again just wanting a friend
When you can bring yourself to make it all end
When your life has been tough and you have had enough
When you finally put the scissors down and take a chance and stand up
When you search for the people who really do care
When you stop sitting and waiting and screaming at air
When you look for someone to hold you tight
When you find the one who is just so right

When you finally feel a warm glow inside
When you can’t stop feeling happy inside
When you finally realise your not alone
When you finally realise you have someone for your own
When you look up and see that person for you
When you ask that person something and they say i do
When you smile at them late into the night
When you know finally that everything is alright

When you’re old and grey and its coming to your last days
When you sit and you think on your wonderful life
When you realise that not everything is happy
When you realise that many times life is just crappy
When you saw that [art where you picked yourself up
When you realised you finally turned yourself around
When you saw that point in your life when you were happy for once
When you stopped being always down in the dumps

When you are thinking about the happiness of your wife
When you think on the greatest parts of your life
When you smile as you take your last breath and pass
When you realise that you are at your last
When you think life was good and life was also bad
When you think that sometimes you were not always mad
When you stop thinking altogether and float away
When your life is at an end and everything goes grey


When you no longer have all your worries and pains
When you have achieved everything you wanted to gain
When you thank you your friends
When you say good bye and that is the end

(edited with stanzas now )

He-llo! Let's see what I can do today with this lovely poem:

First off, you need to create stanzas for this (if I may recommend eight stanzas per verse, would be nice). Because as I was reading this (besides being surprised by the length) I saw that this poem was divided in a sort of plot structure, but I can't identify anything unless I read the whole piece.

Second, grammar. You added a few unnecessary words here and there. And in some sentences it should be *you're* not *you*.

And thirdly! Meaning. I loved the emotions you portrayed. They were absolutely mesmerizing and truly beautiful. It reached deep inside my soul and made me speechless. The words which you utilize to express how you feel just makes the reader feel like they're living it, yet at the same time, are able to relate with what they're reading.

I truly love this, but please make the stanzas. So the person viewing it may know how to separate the exposition from the climax, and the climax from the end.

Hi sly! Niteowl here with a review.

I pretty much had the same reaction as Gee when I saw the piece. Blocks of text are a huge turn-off. I'd suggest stanzas as well.

That said, when I finally read this, I rather enjoyed the progression of the piece. I'm not crazy about the "When you" at every line, though. I think you could tone it down by splitting it into stanzas and only having that at the start of each stanza.

Also, the rhyming gets forced/lazy in some parts. I advise against rhyming a word with itself. That just seems lazy to me. Then again, I prefer free verse because it allows you to pick the best word choice, not just one that rhymes.

There's also a couple lines that don't make sense, like

When life is unfair and you pull at your scream

When you sit in your room with that same old knife
When you always promise yourself that this is the night

When you sad and depressed
When you all you feel is distress

When you saw that [art where you picked yourself up

Hi sl4y41zm3.

My face was priceless when I saw your piece before I started reading. My eyes were wide open and my jaw dropped... And that is because your piece has no breaks; no chances for the readers to breathe. I would suggest you to create stanzas. Not only because it could save a reader from laziness but because it could keep them from getting lost within your lines. Remember that if your readers have to read again, you want that to happen because they liked it too much, not because they're confused.

That's pretty much all I've got to say.

Byebye~

~GeeLyria

Good Poem.

Other than you kept spelling "realise" wrong it is realize.But then again it's not like I am any better at spelling.This poem was really good I'm not kidding It's like sad but it makes you think about life well, for me it did.While I was reading this I was listening to Skillet-One Day Too Late,and combined it almost wants to make you cry but I'm not crier so I didn't cry.This poem is really touching,reminds me about my life but you know there is someone with you all the time.His name is God,I know you are probably thinking what the freak is this girl talking about but I am for real he is like air.He is always there even if you always don't feel it he si always there.

Hi there! I'm going to attempt to review this poem today.

To start off, I like the concept. It is sweet and as you said genuine and from the heart. The emotions portrayed here are what really made it memorable.
I felt like here, you felt a freedom of expression, and that is not something we always feel.


Now moving along to the actual content, I think you need to re-read this a few times. Many times throughout this poem it says "when you" when I believe it should say when "you're".
The poem is stocked full of pesky grammatical and errors that about half an hour's time should fix.

I'm not saying that to be mean because we all make grammatical errors sometimes, but I feel like here, not much of an attempt was made to weed out these errors.

In addition, you have no stanzas. I feel like a poem is harder to follow when there's no stanzas. It just looks like one big long mess.

Also, try not to repeat the same phrases or words too many times in one part. It just makes your poem seem dull and bland.

Again, as I said before, I liked this and I think this truly did come from your heart and does accurately portray common issues that we face. However, the mistakes were a bit frequent and I think you should check it over again and also add stanzas.

Or maybe you already had stanzas...the one thing about this site is it changes your formatting, and once it's botched up, you can't fix it.