I picked up a cat,
A black cat,
And put a broken mirror in my pocket,
And walked under a ladder,
Stepping on every crack in the sidewalk.
Nothing happened.
I painted my face blue and
Went into a crowd,
Juggling red balls
And wearing ballet slippers.
Nothing happened.
I bit my thumb at someone,
I leaned on my horn,
I showed someone my middle finger
I swore,
Nothing happened.
I looked at you
I told you things, secret things
I told you I was leaving,
Nothing happened.
I tried again.
I bought a neon sign,
And put on a funny hat,
And got out a ukelele and strummed,
And flashed in the middle
Of a four way intersection.
Nothing happened.
I picked up a needle and sewed new hair onto my own,
And I put on a cloak,
And captured a wolf--Canus lupis,
And in the dead of night,
I set it free and ran from it's teeth across Indianapolis
To Boston.
Nothing happened.
I repeated myself,
And your face was blank,
And we parted ways and you drove off in a BMW, and
I walked home because you didn't offer me a ride.
I looked inside myself,
Into the broken mirror,
Fragments clinging to my heart
Reflecting my eyes back at me.
I asked the mirror if I was sad.
I should have been.
It looked back at me unabashed.
Nothing happened.
Hi jackolantern!
I liked how this poem progressed from a silly lighthearted vibe to a more melancholy tone. The images are funny and they keep my attention. I do think that stanzas would help make this more readable as others have noted.
I think it might be more smooth to say this like "I played my ukelele naked in the middle of Main Street" or something like that. The wording is awkward as is.
The second line here is very long compared to the others in the piece. Plus "it's" should be "its" here, since it's a possessive. I might reword this as "And at midnight I let it go/
and ran from its teeth/from here to Boston." I assume the cities have some significance (the speaker's moving to Boston?), but "Indianopolis" is a long and chunky word and it's hard to make it fit.
I would never end a line on a weak word like "and". You use that word a lot here, and generally it works, but you want the ending of each line to be stronger. I might try
And we parted ways and you drove off in a BMW,
and you didn't offer me a ride,
so I walked home alone.
Your wording is fine, but I thought using "and" there actually could emphasize how uncaring "you" is.
Loved this. It's a strong ending that says quite a bit without flat-out stating it.
Overall, lovely piece, just a few things I'd clean up. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks for the input! I'll definitely take your comments into consideration. I didn't notice the it's so that's great to hear. On the other stuff, I like to word my poems in a specific often strange way. My work isn't typical, which I understand is strange and jarring to some people. I like using things like "and" and long syllabled (is that even a word?) words because I think that it fits with my own unique rhythm. I don't like having people naked in my poems usually too, what I was trying to get at was that this problem was so over the top and ridiculous, it was like buying a neon sign, blocking traffic, and singing badly just to try to get people to notice you. I think that maybe if you read some more of my stuff that maybe you'll understand my style a little bit more, and it will make more sense. Thank you so much for the comments though, it's great to hear another point of view!
Thanks for the comment. About the intersection bit: I assumed you meant the person was flashing people (ie exposing him/herself). I suggest re-wording if that's not what you meant. And for the most part, I didn't mind your style except for a couple spots.
This is... wow. This poem is like drug for my eyes, especially the ending. It happens when life becomes pain in the ass. I'd love to read more from you, keep writing!
That is beautiful! I love the end. It is sad and touching at the same time. I'll be following you!
You could break it up a little more. But for the most part, it's fantastic. Love it. Love you.
Thanks emily!
This poem was extremely thoughtful and I really enjoyed it. I mean, seriously, it was REALLY good. The only critique(if you could call it that)is that you could try to separate into stanzas, unless having no stanzas was your point when writing it. I absolutely loved the poem, other than that small thing, and would definitely try to publish it or something, it's that good. Loved the whole idea!
Thank you so much Bandgeek101! I will definitely try out your suggestion. I am so thankful for such a positive reaction! thanks!
No problem! It really was an amazing poem!