Published March 26, 2013
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Dang bro!I'm not that good at poems but i actually understood this one.It sorta reminds me how I feel right now.You are really good with words so keep up the good work.Even though I am no expert from a normal human being Irate this a five star poem.
I like this. My favorite part's probably "With one breath I could tell you I hate you and another I do." That's so cute, in an awesome sort of way. A problem I have with the poem, though, is the bulkiness of the third and fourth line. They just don't flow as well as the rest. Also, in the third to last line, I think you mean quiet as opposed to quite. And, if you're going to have a metaphor about sound, I think you might have to elaborate a little more or extend the metaphor as opposed to just having the one line about sound after such a strong, interesting metaphor with the bricks.
Hope this helped.
Overall, I love the feel of this poem overall; the confusion of the narrator, switching from pure hatred to unavoidable love. Keep up the awesome poems!
Hi Renee and welcome to YWS! This is a great place to give and receive feedback on your writing. I hope you join in the community soon!
Now, onto the poem itself.
Content-wise, this is a common subject, so it's easy to relate to, but it's also easy to fall into traps of overused images and phrases. This piece has a good concept going on, with the mix between love and hate, but it's rather vague and doesn't say anything new. I'd try to use more specific images to engage the reader and make it more unique. What does this person do to make you love and hate them? What happens when you two interact? Something more unique to this story will make the piece stand out.
I like this line. It hints at all the other things you wish he had (i.e. physical), which might be an interesting direction to go.
First: did you mean "buried"? Second, I like the bricks image, but I think you could do more with it. For example, maybe he's re-building his own life, not even realizing he's buried you? Are these bricks symbols of the old relationship? If so, what did they build? Were they sturdy or easy to knock down? There's many directions you can take this if you use the bricks as a metaphor.
Now another general note: I think the rhyme scheme is not helping this piece. There's no real structure, which makes the rhyme feel tacked on and forced. In the future, try not to let a rhyme dictate a piece. If it is, consider free verse.
Also, the punctuation is sparse. I generally advise punctuating in poems as you do in prose. There's no set rule about this, but it makes it easier to read so the words stand out.
Overall, it's a somewhat cliched stories, but there's some strong pieces and I think you could play with images and metaphors to make it stand out. Feel free to PM me if you have questions. Keep writing!