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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Animal is here to
save the worldreview.Let's Begin...
LIGHT!!!
Nice that how you made a poem of a riddle. The best stanza here is-
This one is natural and so it was the best but I won't underestimate other parts of the poem.
This poem has a lot of
potentialriddling potential. I in a way like this poem.Spellings Correct. Check
-Ani
I think it would be important in a riddle to not use the verb form of the item you're trying to sneakily describe. So when you give everything away right in the first stanza: "i light up the night," we've really nothing left to play for. I understand it's not meant to be THE most mind-bending riddle ever, but it's maybe an unspoken rule of riddles that you don't say the answer. haha. So I'd definitely find something else to say there. Riddles usually try to talk around the truth. So you might say the light chases the night away and work with that metaphor.
I also think it's a little long to be a very good riddle! Hmm. We probably guessed what it was at least by the end of "I admire the sun" and that stanza. I think maybe each of these stanzas would make a good riddle about a lightbulb, but all together it seems like over kill. What do you think?
I would also say I like the beginning of the first stanza because it seems like it could just as easily be talking about a nightlight, which is a more specific and interesting object to write a riddle about. Maybe you could try writing specifically about that and see what else comes to you? Why would people put this important thing in a corner when the babies need it to sleep safely!? The juxtaposition of importance with a nightlight sticking out of a socket would be cool, maybe?
Anyway, PM me if you have questions or comments about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
Okay, yes, I put the word "light" in the first stanza on purpose. And I could not say that the light chases away the night because I had to write as though I was the item I was describing, I thought I did pretty good for a twenty minute English assignment. Also, no it could not be a night light because it goes on to state that I am in all factories and companies and that I am above your head, I wanted the reader to be unsure of what it is and you said I gave it away in that stanza as well, I was a light bulb so I couldn't have given it away completely. (Sorry just a comment on reviewing.) I thank you for your review none the less though.
Okay, yes, I put the word "light" in the first stanza on purpose. And I could not say that the light chases away the night because I had to write as though I was the item I was describing, I thought I did pretty good for a twenty minute English assignment. Also, no it could not be a night light because it goes on to state that I am in all factories and companies and that I am above your head, I wanted the reader to be unsure of what it is and you said I gave it away in that stanza as well, I was a light bulb so I couldn't have given it away completely. (Sorry just a comment on reviewing.) I thank you for your review none the less though.
YOU'RE A LIGHT! AHA!
Pretty good job of a difficult type of poem that can be very boring. Well done.
I have nothing really to suggest. Well, I have two things actually, but only little nitpicks because there was nothing much to improve.
"Oh yes, I love my job."
While I normally really like different last lines (there's a name for it that I can't remember...) and this is funny and it makes me happy that the light likes being a light... This just doesn't feel quite right as the last line, to me anyway. It's a good line but it doesn't feel quite right somehow...
The other thing is that, while your grammar was very good, you've put commas at the end of some lines where they shouldn't be. I only learnt this recently but you should only have commas if you would have a comma if it was written out in a straight line. If the next line is part of the same clause then don't ahve one. Basically, poem grammar should be just the same as prose grammar. I hope that makes sense. if not message me.
My favourite verse is this:
"Sometimes I burn all night.
No, it doesn't hurt.
When night comes around,
I feel like the sun,
on a bright summer's day."
This verse is really really good. Well done! Nice poem!
Yes, I was having so much trouble with that last line! I ended up writing that because, as you proved, I thought it would make the reader feel as though it were humorous and be happy for the light bulb. As for the commas, I understand where you are coming from and yes it does makes sense, I will definitely think of that in my next piece. Thank you for the review.