Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I used to think I had attained
immortality
when I ran my fingers across your porcelain cheek
and felt so clever when I played against the odds,
and while I know logically that you were probably warm,
I can only remember my hands cold
stiff and frozen, arthritic like the hands of the clock I used to stare
at while I gritted my teeth and tried to force those days
to tick by.
I remember when we tied a noose
and hanged that dog
from the lighting rig in the school hall.
Pretty fucked-up for tenth-graders,
but all in a day's work for a drama teacher.
I am beginning to forget
that you smell like the same dried rose petals
that sit in a bowl on my coffee table, and your skin
feels like new parchment and crinkles at the corners
of your eyes like the edges of your sighs
when we used to sing each other to sleep,
and the click of your heels on the hardwood floor
like that persistent clock that seems to be the only one
who doesn’t know it’s only right twice a day,
and the peal of your laughter that sounds
like that glass bell before I dropped it
but if I used the shards to cut my throat
and dusted my lifeblood for fingerprints
I have no doubt I would find yours.
It was dark, emotionally depressing and had a bit of death to it. I liked it as one that also writes things like this but in fantasy stories. the story was good and the poem prompt was perfect for this type of poem.
I liked
"I have no doubt I would find yours."
like the suicidal thoughts were driven by the one closest to him. that is in most cases reality. you did a great job on pertaining the thoughts in such a short poem
Hey... I'm here to review this although I'm a bit scared after your comment on the last reviewer's review. Anyway, onto the poem.
It's really really good. THis is a great poem, really nice. I really like the story you're telling, and all the little details you have.
I think that for the most part the varied line length and doing a line break in the middle of a bit worked really well but there was one bit that I thought didn't quite work:
"I can only remember my hands cold
stiff and frozen, arthritic like the hands of the clock I used to stare
at while I gritted my teeth and tried to force those days
to tick by."
It just doesn't feel quite right. Those middle two lines of that section feel wrong and I think to fix them you need to re line break the whole bit.
The verses I really liked were the one about the dog and the one where all the things the narrator is beginning to forget are described. It feels like it must be based on a real person, you've got so many little details. :O you didn't actually hang a dog did you?
I like the way the second to last verse is all one sentence. I think it fits in well with the kind of suicidal (I think?) feel of the last stanza...
The last stanza took a few reads for me to understand it, and I still don't quite.
Is it sort of saying that the person the poem's about is responsible for the way he's thinking about killing himself?
Interesting poem. Very good. Well done 
I hope I helped.
Okay, first thing is first, first letter of the title should always be capitalized. Also, the first two lines should be one considering, the second line is one word and makes the stanza look bumpy. Then in the same stanza, these lines:
"I can only remember my hands cold
stiff and frozen, arthritic like the hands of the clock I used to stare"
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! But yet again the lining took away from that, personally I think it would look better like this:
"I can only remember my hands cold stiff and frozen,
arthritic like the hands of the clock I used to stare"
All through out your work you have longer lines, and using short lines just seems wrong. "hanged" should be "hung". "at the corners" should be on the next line.
Your poem has so much power, I absolutely loved it. It was cold, and twisted, one of those poems that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The lines about hanging the dog was what got me the most. I can not say how much I loved this poem, it was simply beautiful. I can't wait to read more of your work! Hope you don't take any of my criticism to heart, just trying to help your formatting for such amazing pieces.
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