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The Song of Mankind

by Sparkle


Cry once for the poor,
Cry twice for the rich,
Cry thrice for the man
Lying drunk in the ditch.
 
Scream once for the war,
Scream twice for the peace,
Scream thrice for the wonders
That never will cease.
 
Yell once for the cross,
Yell twice for the star,
Yell thrice for the hopeless
Who never get far.
 
Laugh once for the strong,
Laugh twice for the weak,
Laugh thrice for the Earth
That belongs to the meek.
 
Fight once for the same,
Fight twice for the change,
Fight thrice for the innocent
Who get within range.
 
Sing once for the sword,
Sing twice for the pen,
Sing thrice for the song
In the hearts of all men.
 
With the laughing, the crying,
The scream out of hell,
The singing, the fighting,
The incessant yell,
 
With all voices raised
For death and for birth,
Let our song be heard
All over the Earth.


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Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:00 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



HI. I've a few little things to suggest and say.
I found that all the verses with once, twice, thrice got a little bit boring and some of them the rhymes felt forced.
Examples of that:

Scream once for the war,
Scream twice for the peace,
Scream thrice for the wonders
That never will cease.

and

Fight once for the same,
Fight twice for the change,
Fight thrice for the innocent
Who get within range.

these two felt very forced. Now I did really like the format of this poem though, and i like the way you change it at the end. It's very effective.

"With the laughing, the crying,
The scream out of hell,
The singing, the fighting,
The incessant yell,

With all voices raised
For death and for birth,
Let our song be heard
All over the Earth."

THese last two verses feel particularly powerful because they break the trend.

Good job :D




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:03 am
UnCrystalClear wrote a review...



Interestingly enough, this made me think of Les Miserables. I can see all those crazy rebel guys yelling this out over their barricade, lol. While reading it, I was wary of the repetitive stanzas becoming boring, simply because the 'once, twice, thrice' thing was almost overused. Personally, I didn't have the other reviewers problem of wanting to skim over it because I was curious to see how the other stanzas would end, and was pleasantly surprised by the last two because you switched them up and left them as a bit of a word punch to the chanting of the six others.
Really, I don't have anything negative about it, except to say that I think some of the other reviews might have approached their words a little stereo-typically when they went to think about what to say.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 4:33 am
YouTranslated wrote a review...



Over all, this is a really good poem. The rhymes flowed and it maintained a consistent rhyming scheme throughout. There are a few things that could be changed to prevent it from becoming repetitive. Things in poetry work well in 3's, you could put a non "Once, Twice, Thrice" stanza between the first three and second three "Once, Twice, Thrice" stanzas to break them up and still keep all of your writing there. I really live your final stanza, it both sums up the poem and leaves you thinking. As I said earlier, this is a great poem I'd love to read more!




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:57 am
KarlinKJ says...



The rhyme flowed nicely, something that can sometimes get in the way for some poems. I also really liked your format. Nicely done :)




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Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:20 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Sparkle! Dogs here with your review today. Well, lovely poem you have here, I think the first stanza is my favorite, I really like the use of the "once, twice, thrice" idea in your writing. On a separate note, your rhyming is astoundingly smooth and it fits rather wondrously in your poem, gives it a great song like feel. I loved that bit. Although I had a few issues, let's dive in now shall we?

The biggest and primary issue is that in every single stanza except for the last two you use the "once, twice, thrice." For six stanzas in a row you use this writing style which is an issue because it makes your poem become predictable, which should be a huge red flag to you as the writer because once your poem is predictable, you face the chance of it becoming boring. The reader will always tend to just glaze over the writing and skim if they know what it's going to say, which thus causes your poem to lose its wonderful effect on the reader because they're not reading as closely as they should be.

It was a little difficult for me to get through the entire poem because with all the repetition of the once, twice, thrice, everything really seems to lose its power in your poem. Just because it's so difficult to differentiate the important bits from each other in all those stanzas.

Other than that really this is stellar writing, just try mixing up the "once twice thrice" stuff. I think it's wonderful and should certainly be used in your poem, but just not nearly as much as you did. Try editing that out and you'll be on the right track, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:03 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Repetition is a useful tool. Especially in groups of three, it seems often like the perfect number of repeats to help us remember a sequence or a word.

There is a limit, however, to the usefulness of repetition, which maybe you have experienced when your parents remind you over and over to please do the dishes when you're finished, and soon you just start blocking out the sound of their voice and never remember to actually do the dishes.

The same thing happens when we read poetry. If we catch on to the repetition, we start skipping it. We say in our minds, "I know what happens next, so I'm just going to skip to the important, changing parts". Which isn't very good, since poetry, more than prose, needs to use and squeeze use out of every single word that is used.

So if I take out your repetition, I've got this:

Cry for the poor, the rich, the man lying drunk in the ditch.

Scream for the war, the peace, the wonders that never will cease.

Yell for the cross, the star, the hopeless who never get far.

Laugh for the strong, weak, the Earth that belongs to the meek.

Fight for the same, change, the innocent who get within range.

Sing for the sword, the pen, the song in the hearts of all men.

With the laughing, the crying,
The scream out of hell,
The singing, the fighting,
The incessant yell,

With all voices raised
For death and for birth,
Let our song be heard
All over the Earth.


And you know what happens? The rhyme is just as strong with out all the unnecessary words. Think carefully about what you choose to repeat. If you do repeat, do so only as many times as people will continue to read. Don't write what people won't read. It doesn't make sense!

As for the point or message of this poem, I'm wondering about that. What do you want people to feel after they read this poem? What emotion did you want to impart? You're basically listing all men on earth and all aspects of it, and begging the readers to speak. Is that the extent of your message? We might speak about anything. Are we speaking for justice or for mercy killings? Do you want to dictate that?

For me, something that bothered me too much to let me really get into the poem was the lack of parallel structure. This idea is that in a list, everything needs to be of the same form. So you wouldn't say: I like running, swimming, hiking, and mystery novels. It seems a little off. In the same way, after the first stanza, you've often got either two people paired with a noun or two nouns paired with a person in a stanza together. Consider what that does. What you mean it to do. Does it accomplish that?

Ahh~ Anyway, I hope this was helpful.
PM me if you have any questions or comments, please!

Good luck and keep writing~




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Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:30 am
OliviaWhoWrites says...



This poem was really enjoyable to read! It sounds like it would be the mantra for a non profit charity of some sort. I really liked the repetitive format, it had a nice ring to it. The last stanza was definitely my favorite. Overall a very good poem.




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Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:24 am
GrapeNerd wrote a review...



Oh my goodness! I love this! I love the concept of this poem, I don't rhyme words very well, but you do! I especially love the this stanza
"With all voices raised
For death and for birth,
Let our song be heard
All over the Earth."
It's just so beautiful! And I love how you ended it! Your capitalization, grammar, and punctuation is very good, if not perfect!




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Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:00 am
illitar wrote a review...



Sniffle, I loved this. I have a rel issue with rhyming things and you put this into the perfect format. Makes one think about a lot of stuff that you brought up.
the last two phases threw me off though. you had a rhythm then the two just turns you different way so to speak. though overall i loved it





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