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16+ Mature Content


by elcuidador

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.


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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:39 pm
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Toe! Dogs here with your review today, interesting piece to write about, you have some lovely writing and certainly a true talent in your writing. Although let's address a couple of issues that we certainly need to mend here in this poem. Content wise, however, it's rather spot on. Anywho, let's dive in now shall we?

So I noticed that you attempted to add in some rhyming to your poem, while that is good and most of the time the rhyming feels smoother, there are several lines were the rhyming feels forced and doesn't really work. If you're using rhyming and you the rhyme doesn't work or sounds choppy, it really effects the flow of your poem which is counter productive to what rhyming should be doing for your writing. For example when you rhyme "weak" and "week," it sounds a little off because rhyming a word with the same word doesn't show your talent and the challenge in rhyming. It also sounds a little odd.

Also, when you rhyme "poems" with "home," that rhyme doesn't work because if you say it out loud the don't fit together. So try fixing up that issue. There are also a few other times when you rhyme a word with the root of that word. Like "ever" and "forever," which again doesn't show your talent in rhyming and sounds a little choppy. Other than that your rhyming is spot on and you use some great vocab at times.

On a separate note, I believe I've given you this note every time on your poems, but it becomes more essential on this one. You need to shorten up your liens in the stanzas, this is truly essential to do especially in your rhyming poetry because with the long lines that you write with the reader loses the rhyme and the rhythm of your writing. As I read through this it again feels more like just prose rather than verse because of the way you choose to format the writing. You almost always have at least two commas in each line, try putting a new line at the start of the second comma to help out with the rhythm of your writing.

All and all a great poem, you again have some just excellent description, but just need to do some minor editing with the rhyming and the formatting of your writing. Other than those two notes this was great writing my friend. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:12 am
Hannah wrote a review...

So, I know you asked me to review your rapist's note poem, Toe, but I think I'd have largely the same things to say about that as I would this poem, and it may just be a matter of our differing tastes, so I will say this first: if you disagree with the rest of my review, that is fine and you should keep doing what you're doing and trying to improve within the realm you've consciously chosen for yourself.

If you're not so stuck to it, I'd say you would probably benefit from getting down and dirty with your subject matters. Obviously they are deeper, darker, and more difficult than getting down and dirty with the pale brown color of wheat in a pastoral paradise on a summer's evening. People can get so down to the molecule in their examinations of that sort of topic, though, that it really comes alive even though in the end it is not as interesting as some kid who feels like his family is hell, and finds even more hell when they have to resort to drugs and a darker side of life.

But neither of these topics garner interest when viewed from miles and miles away through stilted language and cheapening rhyme schemes. You say, "I've seen Cocaine's demons", but I haven't, so you need to show them to me for me to garner anything from this poem other than "I've had a bad life". Bring me into your world, make me feel it, and I will be right beside you agonizing and crying and burning, and then I will hold on to this poem and the moment I had with you. But you have to get specific, courageous. Don't hold back, and don't be afraid. Face what is hardest to face to get your best writing. It's a pretty good rule for everyone. Even if it's not better on the first draft, it usually accesses something deeper and truer that readers will like to get their hands on.

I hope this was helpful. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

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22 Reviews

Points: 776
Reviews: 22

Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:27 pm
OliviaWhoWrites says...

This is a hauntingly lovely poem and the rhythm is wonderful. I could really feel the bitterness and pain in the descriptions. My favorite lines are "Then came the devils I called friends for my aid, Supplied my drinks, drugs, and even got me laid." These lines really resonate with me.

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12 Reviews

Points: 256
Reviews: 12

Fri Mar 22, 2013 8:14 pm
Seastormy wrote a review...

I loved the rhythm and tone of this poem immensely. Oddly, I prefer writings like these.
The description said it was "your life the past 8 months," and if it is, you've done a splendid job in relaying bitter thoughts into well-structured sentences. "Coke-covered nose, and shroom poisoned body, I strolled," I just love that part.

Two things I found off (probably in my own opinion, honestly):

"Then came the devils I called friends for my aid,"
Shouldn't it say "to my aid"?

"Supplied my drinks, drugs, and even got me laid."
There's nothing wrong with the sentence, It just sounds odd to me the way it's written. I think maybe it'd sound better like, "Supplied my drinks and drugs, even got me laid." But that's just me ^^;

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss