Hello there Toe! Dogs here with your review today, interesting piece to write about, you have some lovely writing and certainly a true talent in your writing. Although let's address a couple of issues that we certainly need to mend here in this poem. Content wise, however, it's rather spot on. Anywho, let's dive in now shall we?
So I noticed that you attempted to add in some rhyming to your poem, while that is good and most of the time the rhyming feels smoother, there are several lines were the rhyming feels forced and doesn't really work. If you're using rhyming and you the rhyme doesn't work or sounds choppy, it really effects the flow of your poem which is counter productive to what rhyming should be doing for your writing. For example when you rhyme "weak" and "week," it sounds a little off because rhyming a word with the same word doesn't show your talent and the challenge in rhyming. It also sounds a little odd.
Also, when you rhyme "poems" with "home," that rhyme doesn't work because if you say it out loud the don't fit together. So try fixing up that issue. There are also a few other times when you rhyme a word with the root of that word. Like "ever" and "forever," which again doesn't show your talent in rhyming and sounds a little choppy. Other than that your rhyming is spot on and you use some great vocab at times.
On a separate note, I believe I've given you this note every time on your poems, but it becomes more essential on this one. You need to shorten up your liens in the stanzas, this is truly essential to do especially in your rhyming poetry because with the long lines that you write with the reader loses the rhyme and the rhythm of your writing. As I read through this it again feels more like just prose rather than verse because of the way you choose to format the writing. You almost always have at least two commas in each line, try putting a new line at the start of the second comma to help out with the rhythm of your writing.
All and all a great poem, you again have some just excellent description, but just need to do some minor editing with the rhyming and the formatting of your writing. Other than those two notes this was great writing my friend. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
Donate