Young Writers Society

Well, this is certainly disturbing; you conveyed that remarkably well. I'm not marking this as a review, since I don't really know much about poetry, and the previous reviews covered things quite well.

My only critique is that the rhythm is off at times; I kept getting hung up on certain parts of it, and had to re-read many of the lines.

I didn't really see any problems as far as spelling or punctuation, and it takes guts to write about something like this so candidly.

Keep up the good work!

I love this Toesy!

Ok! You wanted my review, here it is!

First, I will say kudos for you to being so graphic with such a taboo subject. Secondly: you must keep 100 internet feet away from me at all times, from now on.

While it tells a story, there is no rhythm. I think this would have a more powerful effect on the ears and mind if you could find some sort of metre for it.

Tomorrow is the day Death visits my shell,
Oh! I can picture it now, as I sit chained,

1. Leaning on his sythe, draped in depthless night,
2. His skull sways along with my emotionless body,
3. As I smirk by his side enjoying the spectacle,
4. Glancing towards me, letting out a puff of laughter,
5. Handing over his dark trident, I blush, honored,
6. Time halts, a bony smile, a chair suddenly appears,
7. Politely gesturing to take a seat before he speaks,
8. I obey, with bat-sharp ears to prepare for command,
9. "Now tell me son how it felt, for I have witnessed,"
10. Bloating with pride to tell my tale, my lips part.

1. Fresh as morning coffee the boy was, I say,
2. Dazzling, his red stained skin was in dark light,
3. Ah, yes.. His struggles and screams were tamed,
4. By displaced knuckles and my strength of course!
5. Left an obvious imprint in him, and oh how he loved it,
6. Sparkling, sticky blood covered my legs and basement floor,
7. Yelling my young friend's name, I can't seem to recall.
8. As his shouts grew the harder I went, feeding the beast in me,
9. I knew he wanted more, his tears begged for it silently,
10. Without hesitation I fulfilled the little boy's dream.
11. Although, unlike the others he started to gag and twitch,
12. Then realized, that you, Grimmy, stood before me,
13. Thrusting, scratching, punching, with all my might until,
14. The boy's soul twitched itself out of his shell, towards you.

1. Tomorrow comes and I stand innocently in a room,
2. Willingly fitting the noose, a smile towards a two-way mirror,
3. I stare at the trapdoor under me with childish patience.
4. I see you, Grimmy, at that corner, but who's beside you?
5. A small fragile body, so familiar, so desirable..
6. Oh? Can that be my young little friend for more?

Hello there Toes! Dogs here with your review as requested . I just realized that your name actually is "Toe," but I think "Toes" just rings better, do you mind if I call you that? Anywho, on to ze review. I think this is certainly some of the best writing I've read from you, although I haven't had the pleasure of reading much of your writing unfortunately. But from what I have reviewed this is certainly your best piece, the topic is a great one to write about. It's unexpected and really gives a grant demented twist in your writing in this piece. It was an excellent touch calling the Grim Reaper "Grimmy," just in that one little pet name you give your main narrator lots of character. Anywho, I think where you run into trouble is with some of your long lines and your word choice. Let's dive in now shall we?

That second stanza is great, really excellent imagery and a wonderful way to bring the reader into the piece. (Stanza after the first two lines), my only complaint is that you really hurt yourself a little with making that stanza one giant run on sentence consisting of only commas. It makes it sound choppy with a "and than this happened... and than... and than..." sound. Of course I'm over exaggerating, but I would suggest that you add in the periods here at the end of the second line, fifth line, sixth line, and seventh line of that second stanza. It'll read smoother.

Now in the second line your explanation is excellent, some great writing you use here. I would suggest, however, that whenever the man is talking put his dialogue in italics. It will make it a little easier to read.

"Dazzling, his red stained skin was in dark light,"

Because you're writing is pretty darn good in this piece, I have to get a little more nit picky. In this line you should use stronger words instead of "red" and "dark." Ebony is one of my favorite words to use in place of "black" or "dark." Also, perhaps say "crimson" or some other blood like color instead of "red."

"Thrusting, scratching, punching, with all my might until,"

This line really insinuates that 'Grimmy' is putting most of the effort into taking the boy's spirit away. I would suggest rephrasing this to something more chilling, such as having Death just stand there and as the boy is brutally abused he'll walk away with his soul when it's time.

Now the ending is excellent, a well done way of creating a huge chill on the reader in your poetry. The only really glaring issue is that this piece, with the longer lines, sounds more like prose instead of verse. Seems to lean a little more to short story instead of poetry, I'm not entirely sure what is the best way to fix this issue. Perhaps try omitting all useless words in your lines. Just try to shorten them up a tad bit more for your next poem. Good writing here my friend, I enjoyed reading this piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

I'll review this later. However, all I can say right now is this:

Holy crap! This was incredible.

I am in love with this! The character that you choose for this is just amazing. This really made me think and I just couldn't stop reading it. It's Gruesome and that's what makes it amazing.

Oh wow, do I love a good and gruesome story? It is written perfectly and I love the character, the way everything is worded and just the utter perfection of the story. The Poem is like something original,since most come from the pitiful victim point of view but from the rapists... it is a riveting tale! I loved the way he talked to the Grim Reaper, am I correct?, and how it seems like he really believes there is nothing wrong with seeing such things.

I would love some more work and I think the idea can maybe be expanded because of so much possibility but even the way it is currently is impressive! I'd love to read more of such work

This is amazing! I loved every bit of it! The way you write- oh my, it can't be explained, but it is pure genius! I couldn't stop reading.

WOW!
The poem was heart touching....i really could understand the meaning in every word.
It was a good topic to write about, i really liked the way you wrote it.

But, the only advice i can give you is - many things had to be read again and again for the real meaning to be understood, so next time just be more careful in explaining things or putting them in a more clearer way....

That's all for this one. Keep writing, you really have talent and all the best for future work!

-Asma