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Green Smoke: prologue.

by Jonathan


Green Smoke: Prologue

“Sam!” His mother’s voice echoed through the house.

“Coming mom” Sam yelled back, normally if his mother called him it was either something he done wrong or something he had done right but normally it was something that he had done wrong she said “it’s time to have lunch” his fears reside after she said that but that would mean.

He glanced involuntarily at the clock and saw that it was 12 o’clock already he had been dozing almost all that time he said although he had already said it “I am coming mom” and got sleepily to his feet and pulled back the black curtains on the window and let the bright light come cascading in on him he put on his clothes and walked down the stairs.

He said good morning to his mom and brother and dad and after a few minutes of staring at his food he started to eat it.

His father looked at him and said “son you need to wake up earlier or you are going to get used to sleeping in late and when school starts again you won’t be able to wake up at the right time and you might even miss your school”.

“Well seeing as almost every time we have spring break I get sick so I might not even be able to go to school any way” Said Sam.

His mother looked up and said “you know I think you just make it up that you are all sick at the end of your break. I think your just plain lazy”.

George Sam’s brother looked up and said “but not me right mom” he said with a mischievous knot to his words.

His mother looked at him and said “why you’re worse than Sam why you have all these little excuses for being late for class like or Mr. Anger my mom told me to take out the trash and while I was doing it I knocked it over and she told me to take out every one’s trash”

Sam remembered when he had done that he must have been five hours late to get to school.

George was trying to look down cast but it wasn’t working so he said “it worked to you should have seen the way everyone looked at Mr. Anger like they thought he couldn’t be fooled by it and were wondering what his punishment for me would be and when he just said well get to your table they all looked at echo there like what on earth” and George started to laugh at the remembrance of it.

His mother looked at him and said in a disdainful voice “o stop it or you don’t get any more breakfast”


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Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:30 pm
halfmetal wrote a review...



You've created a very realistic family! I like it. There are a couple things that I would like to suggest. Some of the commas could be revised to fit the story better.

"'Coming mom,' Sam yelled back. Normally, if his mother..."

"His father looked at him and said, 'Son, you need to...'"

"George, Sam's brother, looked up and said, 'but not me, right Mom?'"

It isn't a big deal, though. It's still readable. I like the use of 'cascading' and 'mischievous knot'. If I may say so, the story could use a bit more suspense. I would suggest an argument between the brothers that may escalate into physical violence. You could end the prologue with a black eye or something along those lines. (If you don't like this idea, pay no heed to it. I don't care.)

This story has potential. It just needs a little support. Maybe develop the characters a bit more. You could draft a plot too if that's you thing. I hope this helps!




jordin says...


Thanks but really this story is not interesting in the least I mean what would make you want to read on.



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Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:36 pm
abelgaiya wrote a review...



This isn't really an interesting prologue. There is nothing that stands out in this story. It's just a plain normal family having lunch. You could have extended it, or infused funny remarks into it to get readers interesting in the succeeding story. Please, don't be offended, but this is what we do here. We define your mistakes to help you make your writing better. So, here is my review:

Only by reading the first two paragraphs, I can see that your use of comma is very lacking.

Corrections:
"Sam!" His mother's voice echoed through the house.

This is the beginning of the whole story, and it would be best if you don't add the 'His mother's voice echoed through the house'
It should be:
"Sam!"
"Coming mum"Sam yelled back... The following text identifies his mum as the caller, thus, making 'His mother's voice echoed through the house' absolutely irrelevant.

There should be a full stop after "Sam yelled back". Then the succeeding part should be another sentence. In fact, I cannot address all the mistakes in that paragraph in speech. So I'll rewrite it and capitalize the corrected parts:

"Coming mum" Sam yelled back. Usually, WHENEVER his mother called him, it was either he HAD done something wrong or he WAS GOING TO BE COMMENDED FOR SOMETHING HE DID RIGHT; THE FORMER OCCURRED MORE OFTEN THAN THE LATTER.

"It's time for lunch." His fears RESIDED (past tense) AT HER RESPONSE. But that would mean...

He glanced ('involuntarily' is unnecessary here. It doesn't even make sense within this context) at the clock and saw that it was 12 o'clock already. He had been dozing all that time...(I do not understand what was written here. It's very confusing)... He got on his feet sleepily and pulled back the black curtains. THE WINDOW LET IN THE BRIGHT SUNLIGHT WHICH CASCADED DOWN UPON SAM.
He put on his clothes and walked down the stairs.

HE GREETED HIS MUM, DAD, AND BROTHER GOOD MORNING, AS HE SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE. AFTER STARING AT HIS FOOD FOR A WHILE, he began to eat it.

This is where I'll stop. All you need to know is that:
1) End your quotes with full stops if they are sentences. E.g. "I don't like it(.)"Andy replied.
2) Learn to use commas and full stops when needed.
3) By reading many novels, you'll be able to level up your writing skills and conquer punctuational inaccuracy. You can also read the works I've written. That way, you could understand my point and I can continue to help you (and vice versa) in attaining ideas and reachng literary perfection.




jordin says...


Yeah I know It is terrible I see it has no interest dose it.



jordin says...


It is really not a good story.



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Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:22 pm
AlexaHarper wrote a review...



Hey, jordin!

First of all, before I go into any detail about the content, I would just like to ask: Where's all your punctuation? Your paragraphs are all just run on sentences!

Also, the purpose of a prologue is to introduce characters as well as give the reader an idea of what your story is going to be about. Your beginning needs to draw the reader in, make them want to read more. This prologue doesn't quite do this. It. All you're really doing is describing what seems like a normal morning for the main character. I recommend changing something to make him or his lifestyle a bit unique, which will make character development easier in the future. Make the story exciting. Prologues shouldn't be to packed with information though. Just start to introduce the plot of the story, because, no offense, but with the way it's going now, you might as well call your story "A normal day in the life of the average kid, Sam."

This story has potential, trust me. It just needs a bit of work and devotion. Good luck, and I hope you continue to work on this!

-Alexa




jordin says...


Sorry I am terribly at punctuation.



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Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:05 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hi jordin!

What is this. Seriously. What is it. No, I'd really like to know. I'm curious now. This has no semblance of plot whatsoever, no indicator of anything, it's just... bleh. A boy named Sam walks down to have lunch/breakfast, is scolded by his mother because he argues with his brother. Just... what. Tell me, does this sound like anything you've ever read before? It seems like a bad opening to a novel, but surely not a chapter. It's just... ridiculous.

It's so short it doesn't allow for time for characterization -- though I doubt you ever thought about something as complex as that. Furthermore there's no description. This is bland. Very bland. You should seriously consider things like what objects (and people) look like, sound like, smell like, and so forth. I know, it may be hard for you, but it helps.

Your grammar is also horrible.

“Coming mom” Sam yelled back, normally if his mother called him it was either something he done wrong or something he had done right but normally it was something that he had done wrong she said “it’s time to have lunch” his fears reside after she said that but that would mean.


What kind of opening is that? How even does it make us want to read on? Oh wait, I'm doing grammar here. First, there should be a comma after mom. Second, it should be had done. Third, and this goes for all the 'chapter'... use commas properly please. Oh and it's should be capitalized, full stop after lunch...

There are more, mainly pertaining to tense usage and such. I recommend you read more books before attempting to write your own. Know how it's done before trying.

Please just put this away somewhere quietly.

Hope this helped
~Ita




jordin says...


Sorry but I did say it might not be very good I thought someone would say something like that.:(



Auxiira says...


It seems that you hit one of Ita's many nerves. The points he made were valid, but he didn't have to be that ... aaaanyhow. That's all I had to say^^



LouisCypher says...


I do not have anything against you, jordin, let us be clear. However you need to understand what mistakes you committed to correct them -- consider it for your own good.



LouisCypher says...


I do not have anything against you, jordin, let us be clear. However you need to understand what mistakes you committed to correct them -- consider it for your own good.



LouisCypher says...


Iiii hate lag.



jordin says...


Yeah I know it really Is not that good I know that I should have waited a little longer.;)




Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle