Young Writers Society

I Dont think this can be called as a poem?
Rhyming is not necessary but look you didnt use capital letters for the beginning of the sentences

I Didnt get the lines
will she vomit facts and causes?
Try to use sensible words.
You could use puke instead of vomit
But you need alot alot of practice.
KEEP GOING

Hey!

So I am back and reviewing this again because you put a thing on my wall! Okay! So I like what you've done with this! I'm not sure how I feel about "my other selves come out in cursive" because I feel like the line would be more effective to lose the "come out in" and use "are" instead? So "my other selves are cursive"? I think it gives a new dimension to the poem - suggesting that the poem's narrator is actually the poem itself? I know that isn't what your poem is saying but I enjoy the double play.

I'm also not sure how I feel about your final line, I think that I'm just not happy with the "but" here although there's nothing intrinsically wrong with it. As for the rest of the poem, I think it's come into its own, there's a good sense here of what the poem is intending to say and how it wants to say it. You've kept the delicious lines I liked before and I enjoy them still. I think this is a triumph of a poem, you've made some good changes and I think they're solid ones. Consider reading it out aloud? I feel like the middle might be a little off in rhythm but otherwise I really quite like it.

Thanks for letting me know you've edited this, it's great to see the changes happening.

Your 2nd 'stanza' (I'm not sure what to call it since you're not really using stanzas, but you get what I mean) sticks out like a sore thumb. The ambiguous style is never used again, contrasting directly with very literal stanzas such as your 4th. I think your last stanza is a good marriage between the two, however, and that it would give the poem unity without limiting creativity to use that style throughout.

You have a good theme here, humanizing someone whom others would simply dismiss as crazy.

The repetition of 'here' in the 2nd stanza is awkward and I don't quite follow the grammar there. Also, 'but I am greater than the sum of my parts' doesn't really answer what the people are whispering. The line would fit better if you removed 'but' and therefore the line's link to its predecessor.

I like the 'ghosts blossoming out of her head' line. The imagery is very striking for the reader.

All in all, a good poem. Write on.

Oh why hellohello!

Thanks for telling me this was here, I get the notification on the Wall thing but sometimes my eyes skim right past! This IS very different to your other poem, though it does have some very specifically wonderful qualities. This feels less polished, less well put together. This reaction may just be that I don't like this as much as the other one? But let me stop comparing this, one should never compare poems, they are their own entities!

You have some super clever plays on words, and I particularly enjoyed "here light on my feet" and "here as angry and stinging as a wasp" not for the words - I like the light on the feet one though - but for the repetition of 'here' and how well that set a rhythm, how it set a good sense of tone. This strong, almost defiant but explanatory tone which your narrator holds well through the poem, despite talking about their own many voices. I dislike the examples, or more particularly I dislike the second example because it isn't an interesting or vivid image. Dancing about a bull is interesting and gives us a distinct image, the wasp isn't distinct at all, it's not living up to what the matador gives us. I also suggest a less passive first line, only in altering it to 'my other selves are cursive" because it is a shorter, sharper line and says the same thing just a bit different. You don't have to do that, it's just a suggestion.

I think what this poem is missing is a centre of self. Perhaps it's because of what you're talking about, having so many voices, characters I assume. But I think that this is in one distinct voice and that voice isn't sure enough, it feels like you still haven't decided this is how you want to say these lines? Maybe that's a silly thing to point out, we're forever editing poetry for that reason. But this poem in particular feels weak, like it doesn't have a spine keeping the lines up. We get it in sections, the Here and your first line, I am greater, and the patchwork puzzle girl; these are solid lines with a good sense of self. Your other lines are less sure, they don't know if you really want them.

Some of it is because of verbose? Not terrible, probably not even importantly to a lot of people, but I feel like you could say "people cross the street/when I walk down the sidewalk" OR even better perhaps "people jaywalk during green lights/when I walk down the street" because it gives image, an interesting word and a suggestion of how bad the narrator is, that they'd jaywalk while cars are moving to avoid her?

Almost forgot! "academic humorous philosophic" is lovely. I almost want this in brackets? But that's because I dislike ending on "of" in the line above and I could justify it more strongly that way. It makes sense with what you're doing, making the strong lines start with strong words, but it is a pet peeve now, a petty one! You could actually just remove the "of" and then you'd have another double meaning.

Oh! You could strengthen the ending by moving the sum of parts line to the end. It sets off the stanza very nicely and reinforces the message/meaning of the poem. Maybe you'd feel like it's too much, too much obvious meaning. If so, ignore me!

This is good, I hope my comments have helped a little bit! It's hard to know what to talk about and how, so I hope I'm not overwhelming you at all. I like your poetry and I enjoyed the tone of this. I think it's well done, despite all my picky comments.

Thanks again for posting! <3

~ Pen

I'm in agreement with the others who have commented here; I very much enjoyed this piece! (The last stanza, especially.) I would offer critique, but I am rubbish at poetry, and see nothing whatsoever wrong with it.

Omg. I have 3 words for you; I love it.
It's perfect, strange, and mysterious, but perfect.
Write on.

~Swiftfur

I am not sure about the other selves but it makes it a little spooky.

And the (will she vomit facts and causes)sound really strange but more spookier.

(but I am greater than the sum of my parts) what parts.

Hmm spooky but interesting.

Keep writing..