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The One

by MACarpenter

It was a cool winter night when I first saw her. A thin layer of slushy, melting snow covered the ground. Her auburn hair cascaded down her neck and over her shoulders. Her brown eyes outshone the stars that surrounded. Under her small nose sat light pink lips, which I had an overwhelming desire to caress. Her pale, but elegant skin made her look more beautiful than anyone I’d ever seen.

Even before the first words left her lips I knew I wanted to be with her forever. My heart had officially fallen, fallen for a girl who I had no chance to be with, a girl who would never even know me.

It was the night I passed a girl in the park.

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21 Reviews

Points: 2238
Reviews: 21

Fri Jun 28, 2013 5:20 pm
singingwriter1673 wrote a review...

This is cute :) I like the detail and I think you should write more of it. It has the potential to turn into a really cute love story. The word "outshone" was the only thing that stopped me from reading this piece for a moment. It didn't sit well with me but that's the only thing that bothered me. I like the last sentance, I just think that it should pack more of a punch and lead into whatever is to come. Maybe make the reader have to think about what's going to happen next for the boy. Good job :)

:D Sarah

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10 Reviews

Points: 707
Reviews: 10

Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:10 am
BookLover33 says...

This story is really good! I like your detail, and smooth the story line is. Although it could be longer, I don't really see any problems. I'll DEFINITELY be looking for more of your writing.


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8 Reviews

Points: 995
Reviews: 8

Wed Mar 13, 2013 5:12 pm
HajarR wrote a review...

I like the way your last phrase sort of stands out from the all text , but I fear that I didn't have enough information before that , I would have appreciated a little more description of the environement, her , and even the narrator.

It's frustrating because the way you write is truly beautiful and as a reader I can feel this overwhelming desire the narrator has , how he finds her beautiful , the atmosphere of coldness and the meeting of a girl he falls in love with so the writing style is very fluent and it's pleasure to read it but it all feels too short.

The comparison with the stars was well chosen but you could have extended it so we could have a more accurate vision of those eyes which kept his attntion.

When you say that this girl would not even know the narrator you give an ending key related to the next sentence . It's all very cleverly thought but it comes all too fast . As a reader I'd prefer to wait , to read long descriptions , to put myself into the environement , before the fall at the end of the short story.
In a sentence my advice is : Make it longer .

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241 Reviews

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

Tue Mar 12, 2013 4:45 pm
Jonathan says...

I agree with BlackNether12.:).

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303 Reviews

Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

Tue Mar 12, 2013 3:55 pm
StoneHeart says...

Okay, if this is a quick description of love at first sight, then it was great.

If it was a prologue-for-a-book type deal, then I'm afraid to say you need more detail. (Yeah, I know, that's probably just me & my style kicking in).

But! The ground was slushy, okay, well, add something else, where there any tree's, what were they like, was there any wind, was it hard, soft, cold, warm . . .
Little describing sentences tossed into a quick little intro like this really make a HUGE difference, and you want to give more detail on what he's feeling, this is a pretty dramatic moment!

Okay, but really, good work. My advise isn't really necessary, just perfectionist.

But I can see this as an intro to a great story!

Keep writing!


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89 Reviews

Points: 625
Reviews: 89

Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:25 pm
abelgaiya says...

A nice description of love at first sight.

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20 Reviews

Points: 543
Reviews: 20

Tue Mar 12, 2013 5:19 am
ScribbleBug wrote a review...

Hi! Welcome to YWS!
This is really descriptive, but it is really short. I mean, this hardly qualifies as a short story. I think if you'd put a little more time into it and make it a bit longer, I'd be really good.

Okay, this sentence is a little off:
"Her pale, but elegant skin made her look more beautiful than anyone I’d ever seen."
You don't need the comma between pale but elegant. It makes it really choppy and awkward.

"My heart had officially fallen, fallen for a girl who I had no chance to be with, a girl who would never even know me."
I don't like this sentence. "My heart had officially fallen, fallen" I don't think this part works or makes sense. Your heart doesn't fall, you fall for the person. I think you should change, "My heart" to "I". That could just be me though.
Good piece, but really short. Thanks for writing!

*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits