Young Writers Society

Hi there!

Like Carbon, I had no idea what this was about, but it didn't really matter. I don't think the reader needs to know precisely what events are being described for this poem to have an effect on him/her.

My favourite thing about this poem is the imagery. Take, for example, your line:

kids rotting on seesaws

In four words, you created a complete and powerful image capable of evoking several different emotions from the reader. You achieved very good descriptions without wasting words. I applaud you, good sir.

Nitpicks:

we telepathied the jesus

The word "telepathied" really bugged me, even for a daring verb. But that's completely up to you.

The entire poem is void of punctuation except for three lines. Because the majority of the poem was clean, I found those few commas rather distracting. I really like the idea of no punctuation in this poem, though. It reflects the disorder in the content.

Like the punctuation, your capitalization is inconsistent. I think the lower case "jesus" and the upper case "Virus" were intentional to make a point. Don't correct me if I'm wrong. But then the last two lines are capitalized, and it didn't really make sense to me.

Your rhythm is very unsettling, if not nonexistent. Again, I wonder if you did that on purpose to reflect the content. But if not, either read it out loud to yourself or have someone else read it to you. Listen to the places where they stumble.

That's really all I have. But again, I'm grasping at things to critique.
Happy writing!
-Sea-