Young Writers Society

Jalmoooooooc~!

It's been a while since we last talk, but it's always nice to collide with your writings. And yes, I am here to review. I like that this is organized in stanzas, the grammar is used correctly, and the punctuation is decently placed. However, I feel like there were things left to say in your piece, as in it was short and ambiguous. And I think that's because the rhyming is a little bit forced, which makes it sound more like rap than poetry (<.> that's the reason why I go free-verse, actually)... Okay, let me rephrase that; it's like this poem is more about the rhyming than the content. The problem is not that it's short; short can be good, actually... But this lacks something,~ something that makes the reader feel closer to it in a way that they can relate to your words.

I hope I make sense. XD But feel free to PM if you have any questions.

~GeeLyria

Hello, Jalmoc!

You embrace reality so well! According to your profile, you're seventeen? Well, I think this is poem is very beautiful. Since you're only seventeen, you have plenty of time to practice and broaden your experiences.

"When death’s wings descend from above,
it’s because someone died of love."

I especially love this line. This was the line that mainly caught my attention. Something about it stood out to me, maybe the truth to it? As soon as I read it, I remembered a video I made a short time ago for a suicide victim from my old school, named Scott Webb. He'd been so loved by everyone, a very popular student. Yet he'd lost two people who mattered dearly to him, his older brother who passed in 2005, and his best-friend, who died around a year or two before Scott. According to one of Scott's cousins I talk to, his letter did mention he was leaving because he missed them so much.
So, I suppose you can die from loss of love, too?

I like how it's short, also. A lot of poems are long and get dragged out way too far. When they're short, they're so much easier to remember! I can't wait to see your next piece of work. Do you also write stories, or only poetry?

Well, I advise you to read up on some more poems and get some new ideas! You're already wonderful at it. Keep it up!

Sincerely,
RedApril29th.

This was a very interesting way of describing this. Well done~!

I like this peom because it has really, really good descrpition of a broken heart. Keep writing more poems! You are really talented.

Hi Jalmoc!

Nice to see you posting some poetry for us to chomp on!

I think the rhyme pattern you have going is an interesting one. Having the rhyme only in the middle feels a little weird but perhaps you are making a larger comment about life, so the lack of rhyme is in birth and death and the action happens in the middle? Very meta! I worry a little bit that your lines are formed for your rhyme rather than for the poem. An instance of this is in the last two lines of the second stanza. The phrasing here suggests that death happens when someone dies of love, but what about all the other people who die without any connection to love? I know this seems like it connects on to the next stanza, which is a good use of an extended idea, but it still doesn't make much sense for me.

I like the imagery you have and I think that it works very well to what you're saying. Again some of the images like queasy, feel a little weird because of the connection to the rhyme but overall this is working for you. Consider extending the images so that we see more of the immediate happenings.

It's a cute little poem. I think if you wanted to do more with this you'd have to extend about what happens after or the kinds of people who die. Maybe explain what death is? You have death with wings, and then the light, does that mean death is an angel? Or is the word of death carried on a bird's back? Could you consider the kinds of people who are taken? Does everyone get the white light or is only for the good boys and girls?

These are cursory concerns; you have a poem here which says what it wants to very directly, which is a nice quality to have in a poem. You could clean it up by tightening your lines, removing anything which doesn’t seem necessary to the idea and working in some more relevant imagery. Some more specific details might help very much here. Otherwise I think you can be pleased with having written a poem about death which is not incredibly depressing! Nice work!

Thanks again for posting this! If you have any questions, queries or just want to chat, please hit me up!

~ Pen