Young Writers Society

Hi there, I know you've already had three reviews and that's normally quite enough, but I read the first two sentences and decided I had to review this. So, first of all, spelling and grammar:

"Hot enough to make the grass radiate slow heat beneath us through the blankets we spread over it when we were laying on top, watching massive heavenly bodies radiate distant light in the inky sky that had stifled the dusk."

This sentence felt a little under punctuated, I feel like it could do with an extra comma somewhere. I guess it's not exactly an impossible sentence, but I can imagine that somebody reading it out loud might mess up their cadences trying to read it properly.

"I felt slight and lean like the dandelion fluffs we blew into the wind, light enough to fly like when we were on the swings and let loose of the chains and felt our survival instincts kick in for a brief moment in the pit of our stomachs before our feet collided with mulch"

Similar problem here, though I'm wondering now if perhaps this was intentional? I've heard eight year olds who start a sentence and keep going till they run out of air, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

"Wanna on the swings?"

Again, 8 year olds sometimes talk like this, so it's up to you whether you want to add 'go' after 'wanna'.

"theyconnected"

I'm gonna blame space radiation for the omission of a space here. It probably interfered with the upload or something.

Anyway, on to my favourite bit of the review. I really liked this story, as it captures the innocence of such an event perfectly. While there were a few little issues with sentencing, your language was so beautiful that it doesn't really matter in context. A few things stood out that I had to mention:

"Amber radiance streaming through gossamer trees, shadows twisting around each other in the corners of my eyes "

"mint leaves crushed beneath bicycle wheel tires"

"the clean galaxies on either side of your nose deep like scintillating sea waves, and you knew"

The description you use builds the scene perfectly, giving the image of idyllic youth in beautiful surroundings. I don't even know what scintillating means, but I'm glad you used it. The second person was good too, especially as we don't get to see it until the boy is introduced. It gives the reader the idea that it's just the two of them in this little universe, especially in the last of the three quotes I picked out. Your technical ability as a writer really shines through here.

So overall I really liked this piece, it's a theme I haven't really seen before around here and the way you build up atmosphere and use description is very good. Once again I'm left wondering if I should read the dictionary a few times over, just as an attempt to use language like this.

Ah well, I'll get there.

Good work, and I'll be sure to read your next story

i love this piece of writing so much words cannot explain! first kisses, young love. you wrote this so perfectly i felt like i was there. I could feel the warm heat of the day, the sweet taste of ice cream and sticky fingers. I felt small and innocent and like a child once more. This is truly incredible! i enjoyed this immensely and my own melancholy feeling of not being a young child anymore brought a tear to my eye. The imagery you used for this story is outstanding. For a rushed or quick release of creativity it is amazing! I wish I could write like this. you have a gift so don't waist it. thank you for being such a wonderful writer keep it up xx

I'm going to make a radical suggestion here and insist that you omit the first two paragraphs of this story. Just get rid of them. And before I tell you why, go back and look at just the first three paragraphs of your story and guess why I would think that the third paragraph makes for a better intro than the first one. Just give it a second or two before looking into the next paragraph of this critique and I'll tell you. Ready?

Paragraph 3 is filled with action, paragraph 1 is filled with abstraction. And the strongest pieces of your writing will always be the least abstract. Sure there are a few acute details like the mint leaves, or the playing cards against tire spokes, but it still reads like a giant info dump because nothing has really happened yet. Writers have a tendency to spend hours setting the silverware for the big feast when all the readers care about is the food. If you want to hook your readers in and keep them engaged you need to get to the action right away.

Now, when you do get to the sentence "I remember staring at my arms and realizing how small they were," your story starts building momentum. Now all of a sudden we have a distance remembering narrator reminiscing about childhood. Your description of the playground is unique and colorful and in a way makes the reader feel as if they are looking through the eyes of an eight year old. There're still some parts of the text that seem painfully nostalgic, but I think that can be fixed in revision once you figure out what this story is about.

Which reminds me, what is this story about? I get that the narrator is reminiscing about a childhood crush, but what I don't get is what the conflict is. What's hanging in the balance for the narrator? A story without something at stake isn't really a story at all. It's a vignette or something. Who is this girl to the narrator? It was a girl right? Holy crap, we need to know what sex the two main characters are!

I guess the overall message to take away from this review is that flowery prose cannot take the place of action, conflict or characterization. You're writing is very beautiful in some places, but it needs direction if it's supposed to mean anything. I don't doubt you can figure out how to give it direction when you revise this.

As-salamu alaykum. And keep writing.

First review, ho (mine, that is)! I do not accept responsibility for any misplaced opinions. Think of it as a jumble of random thoughts, for which I apologize heartily. =P

I liked it, really. The way you juxtaposed a childlike view with a wider, more universal perspective was quite a nice touch - the wonders of adult hindsight, perhaps, and a very powerful one too. There was a very strong sense of nostalgia here, nicely conveyed in the images and general tone. However, the first paragraph confused me somewhat; would the air really be filled with 'sounds of playing cards wedged against tire spokes' , or were they very stiff playing cards? The birds seemed reasonable, and I liked the unconventional images, but it's just this sound that seemed off.

The last few paragraphs have some minor proofreading errors - 'thin t-shirt' for 'thint-shirt', for example, and 'Wanna [go?] on the swings' for 'Wanna on the swings,' unless it was a deliberately embarrassed fumble on the other kid's part, which would be cute. 'Chapstick' as a brand name would be ChapStick (nitpicking, ho!) - the capitalization just made me do a doubletake and think you were referring to the general, decommercialized-brand-name term for lipbalm. Just 'chapstick' would be fine, and read better. Also, the image of a ribcage expanding and contracting seems needlessly morbid and anatomical to me - perhaps you could substitute 'chest' instead?

Overall, a nice, well-written and evocative piece, if in need of a bit of touching up formatting-wise. As a general abstract memory it worked for me. Well done.