Young Writers Society

Difficult to work out as it really isn't in any sort of form, and a lot of the writing is weak, such as "they wouldn't listen if your neck was sore" you shouldn't let your rhyme scheme control your work. This poem is ambiguous, however it doesn't seem like this is deliberate, just not great. I would reccomended re-reading this as well as editing, because it doesn't seem like you are clear of the message you are trying to convey.

hey i will be reviewing your peom today

it's kind of incomplete and unclear but this is good as it is your first poem. You should work hard on rhythm a little bit, try to make to in a way so that you can convey your message and it goes with a flow. the ending should be the most meaningful part . You should try to tress more on the ending while writing yur next poem. But it was really great as it being your first one yet. If you want to know more about how to write poems try reading famous poems and you will get an idea of how to write them...all the best for your next one and keep on wrting...once agaun great peom

umaima

Hi aionicbonds!

Your name is hard to type somehow! It is a good name though, welcome to the YWS and I hope you're having a good time here! A good way to get about the site is to throw out some reviews on a couple of works and get to know the people. This can also be done in the chat room and Lounge, but the reviewing means it's more likely you'll be reviewed back.

So, I'm not sure what your poem is about exactly. I feel like your poem is about how a class clown feels inside. It's a pretty sad picture and I feel sorry for your narrator! He isn't getting much of a break here, since he can't even feel things without thinking that all people want is his humour. Or is this saying that he isn't funny at all (like your title points out) and because of that no one listens to him? In either case I think the story is a sad one, though I feel like you might want to work a little more on clarifying what you want to get across to your reader.

I think you got a bit excited by the idea of rhyming here! Your lines are pretty forced at the ends so that you can fit in the rhyme - your second line in particular ends without any real sense. I think you need to decide exactly what you’re getting across and completely ignore the attempt at the rhyme scheme. It’s working really hard against what you’re trying to say. I want to pretend that your awkward lines and rhyme are part of showing us that the persona is trying but it still isn’t working, but we’d still need the poem to make a bit more sense before that will fly!

In the spoiler I’ve made your poem into a paragraph, just by deleting the spaces between the lines. You can see here that it is incredibly confusing! We need some more punctuation so that we can make sense of what you’re trying to say and how the lines fit together. I suggest you begin by adding punctuation this way and then breaking your poem back up into lines. This should give you another idea of what you want to say and how you want to say it.

Hello there Alonic! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly if I may say: WELCOME TO YWS! I hop you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out. Anywho, on to ze review, this is a lovely piece to write about. Great creative topic that you used here. I think that at sometimes you straw a little from the main point, but we'll get there. Let's dive in now shall we?

Ok, the first thing I noticed is that you used no punctuation except for two commas in the third line and another in the fifth and eighth line. Now this is an extremely risky writing style to use, but when done right can be used effectively. However, the only way this poem will work without any capitals or periods, is that if it is clear when the sentence ends and where it starts. To make that work you'll need stanzas and put capitals at the beginning of sentence where a period should have been before. Otherwise your piece loses the excellent flow that you've set it up with.

The other thing, your rhyming, for the most part, was pretty good and I really don't have many complaints. However, there were sometimes when the rhyming sounded incredibly forced and it skewed your meaning. So when you say:

"at days you want everything away"

I was not entirely sure what you were trying to say with this line. It's confusing for two reasons: Firstly, because the wording doesn't make much sense. Secondly, because I thought the second line was a continuation of this one in terms of the same sentence. So I was doubly confused there.

You have some nice connections, but the one that confused me is the last two lines of the connection of "neck was sore" and "there wasn't any humor." Those two ideas don't really make a clear connection in this piece and it makes it a little difficult to understand.

All and all I think this is a good piece with a great stepping stone. With some more edits this could be some excellent writing. Be sure to try to stick to your topic of how "not being funny" really sets you outside of the social norms of society. I really can relate until I started getting good at improv... anywho! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh