z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Moonlight Part II

by justtheboy14


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 2

Down in the street, a huge house cushioned the event of the evening. A party was being held, but it was not the party that the average teen was already accustomed to, as usual. No, these weren't no-names. It was a special day for one of them, and they were putting another of these gatherings out for a deserving cause. The girl was there in her white dress, drinking off her glass of wine while her friends acquainted themselves with their other guests.

Not so productive, but for the beginning of the party, it's still as indulgent. She shakes her glass minutely, holding it between her two fingers as she scans over the man nearest her. He was not familiar to her though. Perhaps, he's from a different school.

Well, I wouldn't call this bliss, but this... This is indulgence. All the same, this is merely an appetizer. The night still holds so much. This is why it captivates me so.

"Evangeline?" The boy wearing the striped top with long sleeves, called the girl's attention.

"Yes?" Evangeline smiled. Hers was not an open and inviting one, nor was it distant. She looked at him as if she was measuring him, and observing whether he cut the bill. What exactly was on her mind right now, was the question that was especially on the boy's mind.

"You seem awfully amused," he smiled back, pointing out the look that was on the girl's face. He was quite a distance away from her, but he leaned even closer with a grin on his face. "Fancy someone around here, Eve?"

Evangeline's eyes darted towards the boy's for a brief split-second. His smile remained, unceasing and ever so confident. He loved calling her by that name; it was one of the names that was exclusive to him alone. The guy next to Eve went closer, until his utterance was privy between his ears and hers, and until their words were only known to them alone. "Perhaps," he said slowly. "Might it be the man next to us? He is getting a lot of attention... And his looks and fair build might be of interest to you too."

Evangeline smirked. "His presence does speak of certainty and dominance; the girls in this room may also see just how much of a male this guy is." She went on, slower with her tone being a little more playful. "For a no-namer, he's got quite the looks."

The boy remained silent, watching the person they were both referring to, from a distance.

Eve cut through the short silence. "As to your question, I'd still have to say no." She laughed softly. "Sadly, he just isn't my type."

"Oh?" The boy raised his eyebrow. This time, it was his turn to show amusement.

"He's a neanderthal. He looks pretty stupid to me. You know I look for more than that, Evan. Character is what's important to me; I prefer an interesting, different personality compared to a tired rehash of a kind of person I've already seen."

She ended, giving the boy a knowing look.

"Oh, so picky," Evan mused, his smile growing wider now. His eyes caught hers, and they remained locked, both of them at a standstill. The tension was evident between them, even if it was subtle and they didn't say much. They didn't have to. They didn't follow through their words, but they talked through that hidden display of emotion, and that exchange of secrets between them.

She brushed her hair, and looked at the ground with a pleased smile. Are you going to keep looking at me? Evangeline felt something slipping.

"Is this why you fell for me when you did?" He continued with the smile he knew was his strength, as his eyes met with hers. "Sometimes I wonder, what led you to me in the first place."

The girl felt something touch her.

Slowly, and gently, he held her hand and pulled away the glass of wine she was drinking from. Her hand was already hanging low all the while, and forgetting that she had been drinking, she saw why his sudden gesture had taken her by surprise. After all, Evan had his way with words, and this added to his delight even now.

After placing the glass on top of the nearest table, he pulled her towards him, not too close, but just enough for some visible space between them. Still holding her hand up, he moved closer and whispered in her ear. "I missed you."

"The crazy things we did, and the dangerous secrets we keep... Not one escapes my mind right now," said Evan. "...and seeing you uplifts me all the more."

"Heh."

"Let's dance." Evan offered, as his hand lay on her waist. Evangeline pushed away his hand, however, with delicate gentleness and gave her signature smile, full of high esteem, and a feeling of what they call down-looking on the part of whoever was on the receiving end.

Their eyes met each other, not one of them backing down. Evan was silently observing Evangeline, beholding her exquisite grace. His eyes glimmered, as if he recalled things that happened back in the past, and things came to light.

"Why... Why'd you go?"

There was a short silence, yet one that they understood all too well.

Evan smiled, as he looked at the girl. "You're still as beautiful as you ever were," he said. "You're intelligent too; you're such a gem. It'd be a shame for any guy to let you slip away easily."

"Be careful how you flatter me," she warned. Then she smiled.

"You don't mean what you say."

"Excuse me?"

Her smile remained, with Evangeline caught up in her thoughts and confident in the words she just uttered, whether they be spoken or unspoken.

She turned to see that Evan had grabbed her hand again only a while back. With authoritative and fluid movement, she effortlessly pushed Evan away. She turned her back to him.

"I'm sorry, what I meant to say was-"

Evangeline glances back at Evan.

"I'm tired. Let's keep the dancing for later. We haven't even started, right? The party's just beginning, so cope for a feel of the place."

The golden haired girl gestured towards their left, to the table just right by the staircase. A group of women were close together while whispering to each other; apparently, they were eyeing Evan.

"I'll just head up to one of the bedrooms, conduct myself for the evening. Keep yourself with company; they're waiting for you."

Her silhouette then escapes Evan's eyes just as the women who were observing him earlier now approached him. His eyes struggle to catch up and see where she had gone to; they dart around. To his dismay, she was gone.

"...Evangeline?"

--

She was blackening her suit. Well, not that it wasn't already black, but, damn. She really pays attention well, to her looks. A chief criminal, and a promoter of madness like I... My own partner-in-crime.

"Come on, Alex. What are you waiting for?"

"Oh. Done already?"

She untied the bands that held her hair together. Slowly, it came loose, and she showed the light brown that took over all her hair, with darker streaks in between.

This, would be my long-time friend, Kristine. Master of mischief and fun to be with whenever I go out with friends, mad genius when it comes to just about any sort of idea. She's pretty smart too. Shows traces of being a goth, and at the same time, is so cool that no label can encapsulate the bag of fun that is Kristine.

Heh, this is going to be fun.

"So, Countess, what's the agenda for tonight? Crash a party? Travel to Salem's Isle, in the middle of the lake this late at night?"

We have this thing going, well... I call her Countess and she calls me Count; it's pretty much a pretend play for us. We addressed ourselves as if we were vampires of the night, and after all the crazy things we did? We definitely are.

"Well, Count..." She paused, looking at me with a certain glimmer in her eyes. "Tonight, is going to be a special night. So let's enjoy ourselves in the company of the other, and do what we want. Yes?"

She looked at me, as she waited for my response.

I, in turn, nodded in understanding.

"Good," she grinned. "This'll be sweet."

"What's the occasion anyway?"

"Shhh. Secret," she teased. She stopped in front of me and turned her head towards me. "You'll see." The Countess looked back in front of her. For a moment there, I thought I caught a glimpse of her not smiling, but rather... I saw an expression of sadness.

Her enthusiastic giggles, and her tug on my hand snapped me out of my thoughts. I can't be too sure that I wasn't really just seeing things, but in any case, I'm here to make her feel better and give her no regrets that she brought me along tonight. That's why I'm here. I'm her friend, after all.

I grinned. Kristine came up with plans that were always exciting for me. My mind raced with thoughts as to what we would be doing now. Have a look at the Grand Gaming Center maybe, spend an awful lot of cash? Take a peek at the ol' hideaway for misfits?

My thoughts then strayed off to other topics. Like vampires. Yes, if Kristine and I had anything in common, it was our interest in the supernatural. We marveled at our fond love for ghost stories, and we would discuss a various set of mythologies, like that of the vampire. I recall her saying that we'd even go vampire hunting sometime soon. Not that vampires exist, but hey, as long as I'm with her, it'll still be fun either way.

Now I guess I'm really drifting off! Laughing to myself in my head, I looked back at the girl who seemed excited, yet had been silent the past minute or so since we walked. Doesn't seem like her; we'd usually talk about something - anything - right now.

I was about to call her name, then I looked down and saw her holding my hand. I realized my hand was really sweaty, so as if by instinct, I immediately withdrew from her hold. Noticing this, she turned to look at me.

"It's okay, let's just walk," I said, laughing shyly as I did so. Besides, there's no rush.

"Alright, let's," she said. She adjusts her pace, and soon, we were walking beside each other. It was awfully quiet for a while. I looked up at the moon, which seemed to be larger than usual; I realized how different this night felt. It wasn't that something wasn't right. I couldn't quite place my tongue on it. I just felt that something different would be in our company before the night was over.

"So how are your daily escapades going?" I asked, cutting through the silence with a thick knife.

"They're pretty fuckin splendid. They're damn great, actually."

"Met any new guys today?"

"Just like every other day. I met some very interesting girls too; I think they'd be your type."

I looked at Kristine, observing her, watching her closely. Whenever she'd say something like that, she'd usually be all up and pesky about it. She'd enjoy teasing me like usual, as it always was when it ever had to do anything with girls, relationships and my life. Yet there was no trace of that now on her seemingly blank expression. Actually, she was looking down now with her hair covering her face from this angle, so that I couldn't get a read on her at all. I knew something was wrong.

I grabbed her arm, and she immediately raised her head.

"Kristine...?"

"Huh?"

"Are you alright?" I said with a look of concern and worry in my eyes. My hand stroked her arm lightly, as if to re-assure her of whatever it was. I didn't want to force it out of her, but whenever I asked if she had a problem, she'd come spilling them out to me and I'd help her. Console her too, of course. I sighed. This was routine now; she did this to me and I did this to her. This was how we were. We were open to each other like an orphanage was to needy children (my God, what a comparison, I know).

She looked at me for a couple of seconds, her deep brown eyes blazing and burning into my own. Then she smiled. Soon, I saw the old Kristine come back and come into life before me.

"Yeah, sure!" she exclaimed. She laughed. "I'm fine; don't worry about it! I was just thinking about something deep that time. You know how I get sometimes... How we get."

I sighed in relief, and nodded. Yeah. We also have this habit of lavishing in depth, whether it be about the meaning of life or detailed, complex discussions on art. Things like that. We can be so deep in thought and contemplation, that sometimes, we would just wander away where our minds would lead us, when we were with each other. Sometimes, I'd wonder if she was my long-lost twin, due to the similarities we had.

"So, yeah. I'm fine!"

"Uh-huh."

"Hey, how about you? Tell me some about you."

"Ah, what, life at home and all? I can't even tell you much; nothing ever happens there and you know it. My ol' sis, she's probably wiskin away at some college party, like usual."

"So she still goes home late. Why am I not surprised? You know what, you might as well be living alone, since you two barely bump into each other anyways."

We both laughed.

"You know, I have an idea..." Her voice trailed off, as she played with her own hair. "Do you want me to come over to your house? It must be so boring alone anyways. I might as well come and liven things up."

"Well, I dunno... Sometimes, my sis is there. Even if she's not, I still have to ask permission." Then, there was also the question of whether I was free. I don't have much free time as I used to. Ah, the good ol' days, when we had nothing better to do. Yet the things we'd do together were still better than a lot of the things we do now.

After a short pause, I nodded and gave her a cheery smile.

"You're on! Sure!"

She gave me her "can't wait for it" smile in return.

"Great!"

I grinned. My sis knows her well enough anyways, so it's a sure shot.

"Looking forward to high school?" she asked, changing the topic.

"Yup!"

"Oh boy, they better prepare for you."

I shifted a little as I walked, and laughed. Hahaha, funny.

"Can you tell me one of your crazy plans? It's getting dull anyway, and I'd wanna hear it from you."

She turned to me with those open, eager eyes, like that of a child's, one who was anticipating and awaiting his gift, which would come any moment now.

"Hmm, alright, let's see."

The leaves cracked and rustled in the air. The wind seemed to be blowing stronger than usual.

My good friend raised her arms, and put her hands to the back of her head as she walked.

"Freshman routine and fellow peeps lay it out like this: I'd go to school in a flurry of confusion, not knowing what to do. Some Seniors, and a few bullies, will take advantage of that and make attempts to embarrass me on my first day in high school. Of course, these attempts are designed to keep people wary and away from me, so good luck with me making friends. Even if I did, there's also my shame and self-respect to worry about. I'll probably be BV the whole day."

BV, short for "bad vibes". Kid slang: pretty much alludes to a person being in a foul or bad mood. So I'd be all bad vibes for anyone who comes across me, like in instances where I just got into a fight with my sister.

"Wait, hold on. Remember, this is your first day, so you have to make a good impression," she said, interrupting me. Well, she sounds like my mom. At least, she sounds like what a mother would be like to me.

"If someone tries to bully you, or is looking for a fight, what would you do?" She raises her eyebrows.

"You know me, Kristine. I'll fight! I'm gonna kick some ass!"

She puts her bridge between her index finger and thumb, then shakes her head. "You just can't get out of a fight, can you? Damn your dad, getting you into such a state and all." Note: she says that jokingly.

She laughs afterward. "Seriously, man, that is one habit you'll have to break. Like, seriously."

She sighs. The night seemed to be whispering and playing melodies again. Weird; the scene seemed awfully romantic tonight.

I turned towards her. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. The two of us... We've been friends for as long as we can remember. We're like vines entangled with each other. We're one and the same.

Man, I'm so grateful to have someone like her.

"Where were we again?" She asked.

"Oh, right, vampires," she cut in quickly, changing the topic before I could respond.

I sighed. Another discussion concerning those bloodsuckers; here we go again.

"Do you think they're dangerous?"

"What?" I asked, surprised by her question. "Well, they kill people and drink their blood, right? Of course they're dangerous."

She shook her head.

"...but that's not all that they do. Also, the vampire as portrayed by modern fiction and the media is very different now; quite far from what I think vampires would be like in real life, if they were real at all. How they are portrayed is laughable, I must say."

I looked at her as she said that.

"What I'm saying is, they aren't actually going to be the nicest, kindest creatures if ever we do stumble upon a real one. They're the predator, and we're the prey. They do it for survival, so no hard feelings, but they'll kill us right off the bat. No stories will be built there; no romance, none of that shit."

"Give those other people a chance to dream," I replied with a chuckle. "Who knows? Maybe vampires do exist, and one may just fall in love with the creature. In this world, anything's possible."

"Naive, aren't you, child?"

"Oh, shut up."

I shivered. It's so cold, I thought. I looked around us; we had turned round a curb and we were now in a well-known, isolated part of the neighborhood. Where was she taking me?

"Do you think vampires are to be feared, or to be pitied?"

I looked back at Kristine.

"What? Why do you think that?"

"Well, it doesn't seem like they have a choice when it comes to food, do they? They have to drink blood. They're a slave to it, really. Imagine that: instead of food and water, you thrive on blood now. You thrive on murder. Makes me wonder if vampires will ever be worthy of redemption, even if they wanted to be redeemed."

I shivered again. It must be my imagination, but I can't help but feel as if a pair of eyes were watching us. Then again, I come from a superstitious lot and a culture fond of such stories, so it's no surprise that my imagination is this untamed.

They were basically slaves to the darkness now, I thought in response to Kristine. Wait, why are we thinking about this? This is fuckin creepy. We've been readin and watchin too much again.

"Haha, that's sad," was all I could say afterwards.

"Yup, indeed. Vampires are such sad creatures." She turned to look at me.

"Do you think immortality's worth it?"

"Well..."

"Think about it. You live forever, but people will grow suspicious so you can't be out in the open forever. You have to learn to lie low, and if you're capable of it, you change identities too."

I no longer tried to butt in, but instead, I was thinking about what she just said. I waited as she went on.

"That's not the sad part though. Think about your life now: all your family, friends, everyone you care for and love. Even in the off chance that they accept you once they find out you're immortal - no, a bloodsucking fiend - that still doesn't change a thing. They'll grow old, crumble and die, while you're left there to watch time pass you by like an old ghost. It must hurt seeing all the people you care for die, and leave you behind, alone by yourself."

The feeling of loneliness cut through my heart like a knife. I could almost feel it, as if I was the firsthand victim himself, cold and desolate. I stopped empathizing, not wanting to know what it was like to be left alone like that.

In the far off distance, howls of wolves and the gruff threats of dogs could be heard.

I couldn't help but smirk. "Heh."

"What is it?" Kristine turned to me, noticing my amusement.

"Nothing... I just realized something."

"Well?"

I grinned, and it was obvious to her that I wasn't gonna tell her what it was I thought of.

"Darn you, we've known each other this much, for so long, and you still have secrets to hide from me?"

"Yeah."

She pushed me aside playfully. Looking to get back at her, I pushed back too. It soon ended with either of us trying to push the other off the sidewalk, pretty much like children. Next thing I knew, we were in each other's arms, laughing our heads off like hell. Oh, God.

We let go of each other after that, then we kept walking, with an unspoken mutual agreement to be silent for the time being.
After a while, I looked up. We had reached a clearing, right at the end of a street known for its abundance when it came to residents. Well, it was the opposite, really. There were barely any houses in this place, and empty lots and weed-infested fields came into view instead. This was the kind of place any kid would stay away from, not only because of protective parents who wished no harm to come to their children. I've heard a lot about this street. This street was the subject of many ghost stories told to each other, every time Halloween came around the corner.
Ahead of us, beyond the road, houses, and whatever infrastructure that signified safety and security still remained, was a place void of any human interference. We were heading towards the forest.
Well, this is new. We're definitely not gonna be doing the usual routine, now are we? Though some of our peers would still rather not be here, I didn't mind. We weren't them anyway; Kristine and I had different tastes, and we were old enough to protect ourselves. I didn't really care about the scary hearsay regarding the place. If anything, it excited me more; if any of those tales were even true, then this is a good place to go to tonight.
Still, I was really curious about where we were going.
I looked around us, and realized what my partner was doing. She was already pulling me into the forest.
I pulled back for a second.
"Woah, woah. You sure you wanna go there?"
"Yeah," she said with a confident smile on her face. She was really going to do it.
"It's okay," Kristine said as she gripped my hand tightly, reassuring me. I was still hesitant about joining her in this expedition. I mean, it's not like this was the first time we did something of the sort, and yet, the red flags of sanity went up inside my head. It was quite late, and we probably shouldn't be out here. I can't imagine that the forest also makes for a comfortable environment. All this, and my tendency to be lazy has a habit of kicking in at the worst times.
I looked into her deep, brown eyes. Then I remembered just why I was with her in the first place, and what our agenda for the night was.
I sighed, and gave in. "Alright, let's go."
"Yippee!" She cried in delight, and hugged me. She took me by surprise; seeing her reaction, I told myself that whatever it may be or whatever this night held for us, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
I tapped her shoulder afterwards, and pointed to the darkness that greeted us beyond the trees.
"Shall we? Show me the way."
"I'd be glad to."


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254 Reviews


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Reviews: 254

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Sun Dec 29, 2013 3:11 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Hello, justtheboy! I'm Griff, here to review this work of yours.

First off, like therealme said, the point of view changes were confusing. The beginning of the chapter is from third person, but then switched to first. I would keep it the same throughout. Also, you switched between past tense and present tense frequently. For example, (these two sentences are near each other)

She turned her back to him.

This is in past tense, but then you wrote,
Evangeline glances back at Evan.

And then you switched to present tense. I would also keep this consistent throughout the story.
As for the actual story, I think it could be improved quite a bit. I got really confused by all the different names, Kristen, Evan, Evangeline, Alex, etc. I would make it more clear which character is which, and remember, keeping your tenses and point of views consistent will really help with this.
Overall, I think you have a good idea going here. I think it can be improved a lot, due to the grammatical errors, but you have potential. Good job. :)

Keep writing and being amazing! Go Beasts!

~GC




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 12:31 pm
therealme wrote a review...



Never fear i am here! with another review :D

I really like all your characters and the way you've built them so far, you've done a really good job in this area. I like how you gave me slight hints into Alex's family life, as well as told me here and there about how close Alex and Kristine are. well done!

There were a few slight things that confused me which i will point out. please let me know if i've upset you or said something wrong in any way.

I found I had a hard time adjusting to the point-of-view change. After reading the first chapter which was in Alex's point-of-view it took me a while to realize that i was reading a new character's point-of-view. I kept wondering 'where's Alex?' and 'who am i?' and 'am i a girl now?'. Maybe somehow make that a little clearer at the beginning? just a thought. I did very much though enjoy the characters at the beginning of this chapter, don't get me wrong! and I found myself curious as to what happened with them in the past. It left a lot of mystery for the reader which is excellent.

One of the parts of conversation between these two characters at the beginning that i found quite humorous was:

"The crazy things we did, and the dangerous secrets we keep... Not one escapes my mind right now," said Evan. "...and seeing you uplifts me all the more."

"Heh."

I found her reply brilliant and funny ;) Anyway, moving on...

In the part with Eve and the Evan, one of them had said "Why... Why'd you go?" and I didn't know who had said it. I'm pretty sure it was Evan who had said it but i dunno. If it was him that said it then my advice is to put it in the earlier paragraph which refers to him, so that the reader is sure that he was the one who said it.

Chapter one of this story was written in third person (e.g. Alex went for a walk) whereas this chapter has been written in first person (e.g. I went for a walk). I think it would be better to stick with only one of these throughout the story. So make up your mind :)

Okay, now for Alex's part in this chapter...

In one part you wrote: 'For a moment there, I thought I caught a glimpse of her not smiling, but rather... I saw an expression of sadness.'
The 'but rather' doesn't really make sense. you're basically saying you though you caught a glimpse of her not smiling, but you didn't, and instead you caught a glimpse of her being sad. Not smiling and being sad are similar things and normally you don't find one without the other. i would have written instead: 'For a moment there, I thought I caught a glimpse of her not smiling, and even possibly an expression of sadness.' I'm not saying to write it exactly like that but i wouldn't use the 'but rather' part.

'I looked up at the moon, which seemed to be larger than usual; I realized how different this night felt. It wasn't that something wasn't right. I couldn't quite place my tongue on it. I just felt that something different would be in our company before the night was over.'
Here you have used good foreshadowing and i want to congratulate you on that. It's not obvious foreshadowing which can be very bad for stories, it's just enough to get the reader nervous and excited. In a way it's suspenseful.

'She puts her bridge between her index finger and thumb, then shakes her head.'
Is this supposed to be the other way around? normally you would put your fingers up to the bridge of your nose, not the bridge of your nose to your fingers.

'She laughs afterward. "Seriously, man, that is one habit you'll have to break. Like, seriously."'
I think that you only need one 'seriously' in what she says. having the word 'seriously' in both the beginning and the end of what she says is a bit repetitive. This is just my opinion so don't feel like you have to change it.

The way you built up the weather all throughout when Alex and Kristine were walking is awesome! like how the air got colder and the wind picked up etc. I love how you slipped mentions of it here and there every now and then to keep the reader believing that things were happening and the mood of the night was changing. pure brilliance i must say! I also love the relationship between Alex and Kristine, they work well together. I really like where the story in heading and am really curious as to what the two of them might run into in the night. can't wait to read more :) xx





The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket