z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Greener Grass on the Other Side

by Anouk


Reason behind the story: - My sister gave me an assignment, she told me about this place with barren land, and on this land stood a long pole. But after 100 years this land had luscious green grass. How? That’s depends on how I want to explain it. It could be a scientific reason or even something magical. So here goes….. (It’s a narrative)

Greener Grass on the Other Side

“Long long ago in a far away land; greenery was as rare as finding a needle in a haystack. The barren land which was once known as ‘Barrenisia’ was now all filled with luscious green grass. It had inhabitants such as you and I living,” recited Maria, pointing towards all the children gathered around her.

Maria was a teacher. She was young, energetic and a free-spirited lady. Story-telling was one of her greatest interest. She could sit for days telling people about her stories. Today she had gathered a group of young children; to tell them the story about ‘Barrenisia’.

She continued, “Barrenisia was the most barren land in the world. The ground was never fertile. There was never enough water. The scorching sun would shine down and suck up what’s left of the water. The land had cracks in it. There stood a long ‘pole’ amidst all this barrenness. A pole so long that it touched the surface on the sun; when looked from below.

How the pole was there? Who put it there? Nobody knew!

It was just there. It had always been there. How? Who? When? Why? Nobody knew!”

“A few years passed and there was still no life in Barrenisia. No animal lived there. No plants grew there. Not even a cactus grew there.”

“The lack of water made Barrenisia a place unfit for humans, animals and plants. The pole however was still there. It had survived the hottest summer, the hotter spring and the hot winter. It appeared as if the pole was made out of an un-tamperable material.”

“More time passed… Barrenisia’s state was not getting any better. The pole however still stood tall and unharmed.”

“After what seemed like a 100 years, A Man; no, a Wanderer stumbled onto the land of Barrenisia. The poor fellow must have been lost; for he was so far away from civilization. He would never survive this place.”

“He looked around for something. What was it? Was it food? Was it humans? No! It was water.”

For days he wandered around Barrenisia in search of water. He never found any. His throat was so dry; he couldn’t find the strength to talk.”

“As he now dragged himself around Barrenisia in search of water. He chanced upon something; something ‘incredible’. It was the ‘pole’. It had been there all this time. It was tall and unharmed. He moved towards it; slowly but gradually he reached it.”

“At first he was astounded. As to how could something survive in this land?”

“Somehow he found the courage to touch it. To his surprise; it was cold. Not freezing cold. But, cold enough to make a chill run down your spine.”

“He then bent down to touch the ground around it. The ground was hot. So hot that it almost burnt his skin; the area around his hand was all red.”

“He was taken aback. He wondered as to how a pole could be so cold when the ground it stood on was hot?”

“It then struck him that there had to be water below the pole.”

“He got down on his knees and dug around the pole. He dug deep; till he was sure that he had dug deep enough.”

“Once he was done he stood up and pulled the pole out. At first it wouldn’t budge. But, he gave it a million other tries. And after what seemed like the umpteenth time he pulled the pole out of its epicenter.”

“To his dismay there was no water.”

“After what seemed like a minute; the ground below him crumbled. And He fell!”

“He probably would have considered the fall to be his doom. But, he was wrong; his fall was cushioned by what seemed to be as ground. And not any ordinary ground but a luscious, green grassy ground.”

“He looked around the alien environment. His eye caught hold of a huge pond; a pond with sparkling blue water. He got off his butt and ran towards it. As soon as he reached the edge of the pond he took one of the greatest dives into the pond.”

“The water was….delicious. It was sweet; and it was just the thing that he needed.”

“When he got out of the water he looked around the place. There was a lot of green. And there was a lot of water. The land below the pole was a magical land. Well it seemed like it atleast.”

“Soon the word about the land below the pole spread. It was inhabited by people. Civilization had come into being. The land below the pole was a very fertile land. Different crops could be grown. The land below the pole seemed like a good place to settle.”

“A lot of debate took place as to what shall the land below the pole be called. After a lot of thought the land below the pole was called ‘Poland’.”

“With that I come to the end of our story. I hope you all enjoyed it,” said Maria with a bright smile on her face.

----------- THE END --------


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107 Reviews


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Fri Mar 08, 2013 12:03 pm
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Poland. Wow. I was not expecting that. Your description is fantastic and the idea of taking a simple idea like this and turn it into the tale that you have made is great. Well done and I would say that this story definitly fits the requirments set by your sister.




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Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:19 am
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Kafkaescence wrote a review...



Ixnay on the storytelling thing. All it does is make an already unfocused piece seem even more pointless. This is a parable, but the story-within-a-story thing it's adopted here makes it seem like it's almost trying to escape that genre, like it's not satisfied with being just a parable. Your first step in making this a better story would be to cut out the character of Maria altogether.

Second, I have to single out the first line, because you're slaughtering the needle in a haystack idiom. A needle in a haystack pertains to something that is different because it looks like everything else around it, which, obviously, is not the case with greenery.

Third, what is this? A parable, designed to illuminate a human truth? Or a more in-depth narrative? The former would be more appropriate if your aim is for it to be a children's story, but that would also mean simplifying it and cutting away all of the (attempted) complexity in sentence structure and vocabulary. Anyway, you'll need to decide.

Also, that ending was frankly really bad. What was the purpose of the man, if the land was just going to spread anyway? And how would it spread? Upward, how? And where did the desert land go? You skim over so much many details that you really start to lose your credibility.

That's all.

-Kafka




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Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:49 am
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Gheala wrote a review...



Hello, hello! I'm Gheal and I have to say that I haven't reviewed anything for months. Your piece is going to be my first and I'm honored ^^
-----------------------------------------------------
Alright. I've loved the piece very much, interested in how you made the explanation you needed to put for the assignment quite... imaginative. I never am able to come up with ideas like that >.> And I think you did a good job with the idea and how it developed.

Nevertheless, I have a few teeny tiny thoughts about the literary part of it. That, of course, if you put here with the intention of having it read as a literary piece and not only an assignment.

First of all, I couldn't see the children. If this shall be treated as a short story or an insight or whatever type of literature where more than one person contributed in its storyline, then I must see all characters.
For instance, we have the teacher and we have the children before we ever have the barren land or the lucky man who found the water. I could see the teacher, but you described not one feature in one child's face. Were they smiling? Did they beam? Were they excited? Did any of them say anything, or maybe one of them was too energetic that she couldn't tell her story well?
Just try to show us the full picture, show us the person who's speaking and not only the story they're telling.

Second, I see that you used a lot of bold words in there. Hmm... Why did you need to do that? If you wish to emphasize any word or thought in your literary works, make them italic or describe how the speaker actually said them.

So, I'm only saying that you need to put more description in there and catch the attention of your reader by that. That, only, if you want to treat this piece as literary.

But I did like it a lot. You're creative in seeing how Poland became green.
Good job and thank you for giving me something to review!




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Thu Mar 07, 2013 3:57 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Anouk!

Shady here with your review.

“Long long ago in a far away land; greenery was as rare as finding a needle in a haystack.
~ Your punctuation is messed up. Use: ("Long, long ago in a land faraway, greenery was as rare as finding a needle in a haystack.")

Maria was a teacher. She was young, energetic and a free-spirited lady.
~ I tend to advise against starting a chapter with dialogue. This is no exception. I'd recommend starting with Maria. (Maria, a young, energetic teacher stood in the front of the room, looking into the faces of her awed pupils.) Then go in with Maria's story about Barrenisia.

His throat was so dry; he couldn't find the strength to talk.”
~ First complaint: There shouldn't be semi-colon. Nix it. Second complaint: his throat being dry has nothing to do with his strength. Third complaint: if there wasn't anyone around, why would try to talk in the first place?
~~~

Alright.

Rather than try to point out every error I saw, I'm going to just address the rules you violated regularly...

-1-

When you have extensive dialogue, such as this, it makes it easier on you, and your reader, if you cut down on quotation marks. So the rule stands: When the same speaker is talking for two paragraphs or more, each paragraph is started with a quotation mark, but it isn't ended with one until the speaker is finished, or is interrupted.

Which brings me to my next point...

-2-

If Maria is telling this story to children, she's likely to get interruptions. Someone squirming, awed gasps when he almost fell to his doom, something-- dialogue like this can get tedious if it's not broken up. Though, since this piece is so short, that isn't completely necessary.

However, it would flow more smoothly if you made your paragraphs longer. For example, my sentences tend to be way longer than your sentences-- the longest one of yours I saw was 16 words, and mine tend to run right around 30 or so. In fact, that last sentence was 32.

As a result, I typically aim for 2-3 sentences in each of my paragraphs. That's what you do too. Problem is, you write sentences half the length of mine, so you need twice as many sentences to make up the body of your paragraphs. Few people like three-page Faulkner sentences (I surely don't), but itty bitty paragraphs aren't good either.

So...I recommend combining paragraphs, and condensing. You repeat yourself a lot.

-3-

Don't use bolded, italicized words to make a point-- make your writing speak to us, don't try to draw our attention through fancy means.
~~~

Alright, I think that's all I have to complain about.

You definitely have a story to work with, but the technical errors make it hard to read.

If you have any questions or need any more help, feel free to wall or PM me.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)





Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
— SilverNight