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Sing With Your Fingertips

by EyesOfZeus

He sits alone on his bed. 
      Fingers playing with the strings on his guitar
       the others hold the pick.
He looks to the window of his room
And it's raining.
His eyes watch as water seeps into the screen,
onto the glass...
Trickling further down to reach the pane.
Yes, that's what he feels.
A pierce in his heart.
    Eyes avert the window and he's staring at his fingers again.
Fingers playing with the strings on his guitar
  the others hold the pick.
As he's going through the motions
singing through his amp.
Singing through his fingertips.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:00 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Eek! Um! First! The window pane is the glass that makes the window. Usually windows are in sections, so one of those sections is the pane. o_o So I don't see how if the rain touched the glass it would trickle to reach the pane. That's something that has to be fixed. D: Ah~

I like, to a point, this quiet image. I don't know that it fits that he's singing? As he's playing the guitar? Like, the use of singing through his amp actually draws out images of him sitting there singing into a microphone, not through the guitar. I think it's a difficult jump to make because a guitar is music related and so is singing, so we take singing literally unless! it's applied to the object and not the person.

The guitar is singing. We could get behind that.

Um. So~ Maybe you could also consider that people always always always associate rain with sadness? Or not always, but it's one of the easy jumps people make, and very common, so to pair the two in your poem verges on cliche. D: I think the movement of the rain would pair better with the movement of his fingers, both in that trickling sort of way, if you really wanted to write about this kid.

And lastly, I don't know if this is constructive, but due to the word that you chose (pick) and unfortunate other closely-spelled words and the boy sitting alone on his bed and the importance of fingers, it kind of comes out sounding dirty in the first stanza, like it's all a different sort of metaphor. eep!

PM me if you have any questions or comments, please.
Good luck and keep writing!

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825 Reviews

Points: 29151
Reviews: 825

Wed Mar 06, 2013 7:14 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, Zeus! Welcome to YWS! It's nice to have you.

This poem is pretty decent, and with a little more polishing, it'll be really good.

I enjoy the wordplay in the middle there, and you have hints of great images all throughout the poem, but you never really break into full-fledged imagery, which is what I waited for throughout the whole poem.

What I want you to focus on is showing and not telling. "He sits alone on his bed," "He looks to the window of his room," "and it's raining" are all examples of telling. What you want to do is make the audience understand what is going on without them consciously acknowledging that they learned what is going on. Be sly in your descriptions. Don't say, it's raining. Say that raindrops tap the window in a calypso. Or raindrops patter on the warped glass (if he's in an old house, this also gives us a clue into the setting). Also, make sure you focus on what's important to the poem. Is it really important that he's sitting alone on his bed? I don't think so. If I were to rewrite the first bit of the poem, it might look something like this: "raindrops tap the glass in a wild calypso,
dripping down to the window pane
(or pain)
to stab holes in the heart
of the boy with the Fender on the
blue china bedspread
who sings a slow lament
through his fingertips."
Now, even if those aren't the images you want to use, you can really see what's going on now, yes? Try to incorporate the actions and the descriptions into one. And you don't have to tell us that he's looking out the window, or that his eyes see the rain. What's there is there, and the reader is the person who looks out the window, not the boy.

Also, within the poem, since you're talking about music, perhaps throw in some music references. That's why I chose calypso to describe the raindrops; it's a style of music.

I can't wait to see this poem when it's more polished. If you ever have any questions, just PM me. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy writing!

I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
— Homer Simpson