z

Young Writers Society



I Hate Funerals

by Sassafras


This wasn't a poem when I first starting writing it, and it's still not quite a poem. But it's not prose. I don't know where it fits, but I'm putting it here.


Am I the only one that hears the men in the ceiling,
walking with their heavy feet and steel shoes?
The plaster is cracking.
Am I the only one who hears?
Above the noise of broken sobs and anguished wails -
she was going to die one day -
can you hear?
Listen closer,
please.
I can't be crazy.
Can you hear the men?

When the ceiling caves in on our heads
will you see them then;
the men that walk above this morbid scene?
Should one land on her casket
would you then believe?
There are men in the ceiling.
Angels? Could it be?
If one of them brought her back to life
would you see -
I'm not crazy.
I can hear the men.

The ceiling's falling.
'Don't land on me.'
The plaster's raining down from the beams
placed high above this depressing gallery
of shawls and suits and black dresses of lace
and disgusting clothing that does nothing but hurt your eyes and -
God!

Can you hear them in the ceiling,
above all the crying?
She was dying anyway.
If they swooped down and took me away,
flew me to their nest and left me there to sleep -
just sleep -
would you then understand me?
Believe me.
There are men in the ceiling.

I can't be dreaming.

I don't remember ever sleeping...

Or closing my eyes,
my ears,
to this weeping.

Mom was going to die someday.

There are men in the ceiling.
I know I can't be imagining.
The noise is too real for this not to be happening.

There are men in the ceiling.
And,
by God,
they're screaming.

No, I'm not dreaming.

I'm not insane.



The ending was "I'm not crazy" but I changed it. Still not too sure about the change though. Which one works better in your opinion? 




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7 Reviews

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Reviews: 7

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Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:30 pm
alexiss wrote a review...



Insane definitely. I like the title except it seems like it would be a title from a personal narrative. Try something like "The Men In The Ceilings" or "I hear them", Maybe even "The ceiling caving in" , Just something that isn't I hate funerals. Its just bland and blehh. Anyways, I did like it. Use some other forms of sensory detail, like "I could smell the pain, grief, and agony in the small, lonely place" I know I'm being a little harsh which I don't want to be that way because I don't want to be like those people on here that think they know everything about writing! I cant wait for some of your other writing! Let me know what you changed about it and if I helped! , Because after all I'm new to YSW! So yeah just keep me posted! Beautiful piece! Just remember, sensory detail & title change then you're all set! ;)




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Sun Mar 03, 2013 3:37 pm
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations.

Firstly, I really liked this. The wording here conveyed and evoked a lot of emotion, and some of the lines here were really, say, eerie.

I think this is fine as a poem. Free verse poems can really sound however you would like; I also think this sounds much better structured as a poem than it would as prose.


Am I the only one that hears the men in the ceiling,
walking with their heavy feet and steel shoes?


This is a really amazing opening. It evokes so many emotions and questions.

The plaster is cracking.
Am I the only one who hears?
About the noise of broken sobs and anguished wails -
she was going to die one day -
can you hear?
Listen closer,
please.
I can't be crazy.
Can you hear the men?


I'm not sure "hears about the noise" is exactly the wording you want here. Perhaps just "hears the noise of..." Also, "Can you hear the men?" sounds kind of repetitive, and takes away from "I can't be crazy?", so I would suggest cutting it out.

If one of them brought her back to life
would you see -
I'm not crazy.
I can hear the men.


I wonder if the last two lines would be better switched, so you end again with "I'm not crazy", just because of the ending of the poem is that the narrator isn't crazy, so the idea should be emphasized.

of shawls and suits and black dresses of lace and disgusting
(Vile!)
clothing that does nothing but hurt your eyes and -
God!


I'm not sure the word "Vile" is necessary here. It sort of takes away from the description, which is really well-written.

Can you hear them in the ceiling,
above all the crying?
She was dying anyway.


The repetition of "She was dying anyway" adds a really eerie feeling here.

Or could I be dreaming?

I don't remember ever sleeping...

Or closing my eyes,
my ears,
to this weeping.


The line "could I be dreaming" isn't as powerful as the lines before and around it. Perhaps something like "I am not dreaming" or some other statement, as opposed to a question.

Mom was going to die someday.
But did it have to be to-day?

On my birthday?


Hmm. I'm not sure that the mentioning that this happened on the narrator's birthday is necessary. The reader already understands the importance of the mom's death. The fact that it was the person's birthday, to me, doesn't really add any meaning to it. Perhaps, if you want to keep that, just word it more powerfully? Then it might be able to add more meaning.

Also, "to-day" is an archaic sort of spelling of "today" that isn't used anymore. Did you mean to create that feeling? If not, then the line seems better without the hyphen.

There are men in the ceiling.
And,
by God,
they're screaming.

No, I'm not dreaming.

And I'm not crazy.


This ending is relatively weak in comparison to the rest of the poem. Really, it's only the last two lines. Perhaps the "No" and "And" in the last two could be cut, and then another line could be added at the end? The declaration that the narrator is not crazy sounds good at the end because it has been repeated throughout the poem, but I think it should either be worded differently or another line should be added after it.

Well, that's all. I didn't really have much to say here; the poem is really well-written and powerful (although I'm not really sure if the men in the ceiling were supposed to represent something in particular). Good job, and good luck with any future poems! Feel free to PM me or post on my Will Review For Food thread if you ever have another poem you would like a review for.

Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes




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179 Reviews

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Reviews: 179

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Sun Mar 03, 2013 9:30 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Oooooh, this is weird! But quite cool..
guineapiggirl here to give you a little review.
This piece was very interesting. I thought it was going to be all about why this person hates funerals but then there are these men in the ceiling?
So the narrator is sort of... crazy with grief?
Or there are actually men in the ceiling...
I think it's the first option?
I like this opening:

Am I the only one that hears the men in the ceiling,
walking with their heavy feet and steel shoes?
The plaster is cracking.
Am I the only one who hears?

THis is a good opening. It's controlled and it introduces us to the men in the ceiling.
The rest of the verse feels a little bit thrown together. You seem to be trying to say everything in every verse (like that she was going to die one day and stuff) instead of exploring each theme separately and it makes the piece feel a little bit confused and jumbled.

"The ceilings falling.
'Don't land on me.'
The plaster's raining down from the beams
placed high above this depressing gallery
of shawls and suits and black dresses of lace and disgusting
(Vile!)
clothing that does nothing but hurt your eyes and -
God!"

I don't like this verse. Firstly, you should have an apostrophe in ceilings. Also, the description of the clothing feels a bit thrown in and the line lengths (and the vile echo especially) really doesn't work.

"Can you hear them in the ceiling,
above all the crying?
She was dying anyway.
If they swooped down and took me away,
flew me to their nest and left me there to sleep -
just sleep -
would you then understand me?"

I like this verse, with the description of the men like birds... THe line 'she was dying anyway' is really creepy. Did the narrator have something to do with their mum's death?
If so, excellent, expand on this and put in a few more hints. If not then you might want to reword it slightly.

So those are just a few thigns I thought about this poem. I found it quite interesting and disturbing!
Good job. Hope I've helped!





I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
— Spearmint