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For a mother and her child.

by arianaSarroyo


A mother's prayer.
 
 
Oh Lord,
 
Will you hear my pleas?
 
Protect a mother and her child
 
From the deathly pestilence that
 
plagues the night,
 
guide them across stormy seas
 
 
 
Will you hear a cry
 
for a mother and her children,
 
Miles and miles away
 
And send a guardian angel
 
To keep her in all of her ways?
 
 
Oh Lord,
 
Will you answer a prayer for a mother
 
And her children, whom she
 
holds dearest to her heart
 
To never let her and her
 
children to be apart from you



 


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Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:47 am
Hannah wrote a review...



This is what I first wonder about this poem: why is the listener miles away? That gives him a physical presence. What, in your subconscious, separated the land where this mother and child lives from where the physical presence of this prayer-listener is? That is something that is burning me up with curiosity, and I hope you think about it a little and experiment, because that kind of delineation would be something new and vivid.

Now, aside from that, I'm wondering why this poem was more than one stanza. It seems it can be condensed. The same distance that you mention in stanza two can be the distance across the sea they travel. That way you can condense those two ideas into the introduction of one stanza. The fact of the matter is, the pleas are actually pretty identical: keep them safe, keep them safe, keep them safe. You don't say anything distinguishing to say what he should keep them safe from, except for the specific mention of a pestilence in the first stanza, which I might assume to be your main concern. If it is, I would say that deserves development, not the idea of a plea. It's clear: it's a prayer, they are asking for safety. To be interesting as a poem, we want to know what they need to be safe from.

I hope these ideas will be helpful to you in your editing process. If you have any questions or comments for me about my review, let me know in a PM or on my wall, please!

Good luck and keep writing. (:




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Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:34 am
MelawenWillow says...



Hey Ariana!
Okay, so I thought that the message was really clear. Your language was beautiful, and the words were touching. I feel that I should tell you that I'm not a pro when it comes to reviewing poetry, and yours sounded pretty near perfect to me. Now for the big BUT...
"Will you hear a cry, for a mother and her children." I had trouble figuring out where the cry was coming from. Is it the cry of the mother, the children, or someone else?
Anyhow, well written! I really enjoyed it!!




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Mon Mar 04, 2013 1:32 am
dogs wrote a review...



Why hello there Ariana! Dogs here once again with your review :). I enjoy this piece, good smooth writing and you have some cases of using just excellent vocab words which I always look for in poetry. Although, keep in mind the purpose and point of your poem and what exactly are you trying to prove. Is it just suppose to be a poem about a mother preparing to the lord? What's the extra "umph" that you need in this poem? Let's dive in now shall we?

"From the deathly pestilence that"

Here is the vocab use that I really enjoyed. Great word choice here, I love that style of writing in this line that you use. Well done.

Back to my original point, where is the "umph?" It really depends more on what is your strengths in writing poetry? As for myself, my greatest strengths are in imagery for poetry. Really setting up a gruesome scene. For your it might be emotions or philosophical topics. Once you determine your strengths, write a poem that really exemplifies your strengths. If I were writing this, I would add in some more bits about how the mother has been abused. How she's black and purple with bruises with cuts of crusted blood stretching across her cheeks. Of course, your greatest strength may not be imagery, so write and edit to whatever exemplifies your writing best.

Personally, I would like to know more as to why the mother feels so discriminated and threatened. What has driven her to this point of desperation? Give us a little bit more info in that regard and you'll be looking good. All and all this is a great poem in need of a few touch ups and couple more bits of information, I enjoy reading your writing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:51 am
Mjdwrite says...



I wish I could understand poetry enough to give you a proper critique, unfortunately, I am unskilled in that particular field and feel I would offend you if I tried! I think it sounds wonderful!




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Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:50 am
Gravitaxis says...



Nice poem I really enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.





"For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein