z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

All is Not Fair (Spoken Word)

by indieeloise


A/N: I wrote this as a spoken word poem for an English project, centered around The Odyssey, as Homer recited his work “back in the day.” This is told in the perspective of Penelope, the wife of Odysseus. The first stanza was a little parody of how the actual epic begins.



Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story

of that woman, stranded for years on end;

the stoic, skilled in all ways of tarry,

after she bid farewell to her husband.



My name is Penelope,

the indispensable. I 

am a woman, but not 

one expendable; like the 

last letter of my title - I am 

that ‘e’ that refuses 

to be silenced.


In the morning, I weave together

the twisted words of those 

men who tether their incentives

of greed to our home. 

While you are away, 

weathering the monsters 

of politics and war, 

I, myself, fight perversion

five steps from our

bedroom door.


At night, when Helios 

abandons his flight,

I unthread the deadline

that reads forfeit, the

cutoff date for your

never return. When 

the needle slips, the drops 

of red that fall from my fingers

remind me I am alive.


The clock is ticking, 

Odysseus, and the void

in our son deepens 

with each morning chariot

ride across the sky.


Life is not 

as the saying goes -

all is not fair in love 

and war.


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Sun Mar 03, 2013 4:22 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Diee!

Shady here with a quick review for your lovely piece! :D

I'm really bad at history, and scarcely better at poetry, but I hope that this will be helpful to you anyway.

...Okay...nix that. I'm not even going to try to comment on the content of this piece. The flow of it was very nice, however. And, though I'm not really familiar with this story, I could feel the vibe of emotions going through this piece.

The pacing is very nice, and this poem interested me, even though I'm not as familiar as I should be. I just might need to brush my skills up.


Keep writing!

~Shady 8)
~




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Sun Mar 03, 2013 1:18 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Indi! Tucker here with your review as requested. Ahhhh the Odyssey, I do recall reading that book. Quality literature, although a little difficult to get through at times. Quite a vividly violent ending in my opinion. I'm not not sure what the parameters of your assignment were, but I'll give you a good strong review to the best of my abilities. Let's dive in now shall we?

To start things off, I think your poem all around is pretty solid. I think the biggest problem I have with it is that you don't capture Penelope's iron will well enough (unless I'm thinking of a different book.. but I'm pretty sure Penelope was rather B.A). Feel free to take quotes from the book and incorporate that into your poem. Describe some acts more, take material and scenes from the book and root it into your poem. Unfortunately I am incompetent and haven' read this book in about four years, so I can't exactly think of some good examples that you should use, but really draw from scenes and more specific events to really frame Penelope's character.

Content wise I think this piece is top notch, I only have a few minor notes regarding that, but again. Find a scene and draw from the events to show us 1: Penelope's B.A personality. 2: the desperation in her as she really needs Odysseus to return.

The first four lines of the second stanza are just stellar. Great word choice, excellent rhythm, and it gives the reader more plot line. Expand upon that, describe the vile actions of the suitors that come and take Odysseus' home. Do keep in mind that in Greek culture, living in someone's home with no permission and eating their foods/ living off their goods is the worst thing you could possible do. Just the ultimate definition of sleeze bag and people of no morals. Really try to capture that in your writing.

"At night, when Helios/ abandons his flight"

Thank you! Thank you so much for not describing Helios as "the sun god," because he IS the sun. Such a common mistake for people to make and one of my pet peeves. A good way to use Helios as an expression of how long Odysseus is gone.

"When/ the needle slips, the drops/ of red remind me/ I am alive."

Ok, so maybe here describe the needle piercing her skin and the crimson liquid oozing out of her wound. Just for clarification purposes.

I cannot remember if the last stanza is a quote from the Odyssey. I feel like it is... anywho, if not end this piece on a famous quote. That's a good strong way to bring closure to your writing. All and all a great start for this, but you're missing some extra information. I don't see as much emotion being expressed from Penelope as there should be. Don't be afraid to really flesh this poem out, you have much more leniency in slam poems to make them longer than the usual poems that we read. If you look up slam poems, most of them are at the least three minutes long of talking. That's a lot of writing to take up three minutes of talking even with pauses. Add some more info in here that really puts out Penelope's emotion and you'll be good. All and all great writing that just needs some more pieces, I loved reading this piece and I wish you the best of luck upon your endeavors. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman