Young Writers Society

I adore this!
Keeping the rhyming pattern simple yet strong made it even more enticing.
Overall great poem!

I must admit this is an awesome poem. It really did touch me.

This was wonderfully written, poem and simple.

I don't have much to say that I don't like.

Hey Fall!

Shady here with a review for your lovely poem!

I liked it. Short, sweet, and to the point. My kind of poem.

I liked the emotion and power behind this piece. It captures how I feel very nicely. Your rhythm and rhyme-scheme is very nice...except for your last stanza. I can't say I'm digging it. I think you just broke the rhyme.

I mean "truth" and "roof" kind of rhyme, and "breaks" and "pace" do too-- but not as well as "door" and "poor" do, and it feels like a bit of a let down after such a strong, obvious rhyming of earlier in the poem.

Your language was wonderful, my dear. If you hadn't said so, I never would've guessed that English wasn't your native. You do very well with it.

However, I'm strong in the technical/grammatical side of writing-- and I'd be willing to go over any of your other pieces, if you want me to.

If you need any help, don't hesitate to ask.


Keep Writing!

~Shady

Hello there Nightfall! Dogs here with your review. Alrighty, to start things off I'm impressed that you write something that isn't in your native language. Certainly not an easy task, and this poem is pretty good. If I may ask what is your 'native language?' Just out of curiosity. Anywho on to ze review. To start things off I think this piece is good but you can add more to it. There are some key lines that are a little ambiguous and make this poem difficult to get at the end. Let's dive in now shall we?

Interesting start, again a little ambiguous, especially with the: "Words coated with sugar but poisonous inside," bit. I think more because of the fact that you never specify who is saying the sugar coated words. To go along with the theme of governments, perhaps state that politicians are stating the poisonous sugar coated words. Whatever works.

"the same lock is opened by the same key."

I don't really see the purpose of this line other than the fact that it's used for the rhyme with "be" and sounds cool. You're rhyming is pretty spot on, unlike a lot of the rhyming poetry I read, but it's a line like this that confuses me, because the line doesn't seem to add anything to the poem or do anything other than state the obvious.

"the peaceful unity between rich and poor."

This line doesn't really connect to your poem at all when I read through it. Reason being is because in history when have the rich and the poor ever gotten along? In any history of any nation. The only time I think that the rich and poor get along a little bit is in communism in which case there is no rich and poor, every one is equal. The upper and lower classes really don't get along perfectly well because they usually never interact with eachother. Rich thinking the poor are lazy and perhaps unfortunate and usually not making moves to help the poor. The poor thinking the rich are stuck up money nabbers who do anything for a couple more bucks. So than this line doesn't make sense in the context of the point you're making with your poem.

All and all a nice poem, a bit of a paradox in the ending but well written apart from the confusing bits. I enjoyed reading it and I hope my comments were helpful. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh