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12+ Language Violence Mature Content

Finding Love As A superstart

by Dynastyloves

''Val come sweetie time for your photo shoot'' 'que vien' I put on my shoesand headed into thephoto taking area, i was taking photos for my new album thatsgetting released next month called*standing threw the pain* the directorhad me sit on a stool with my shoes in my hand legs crossedand head on my knees looking depressed, once they took a couple of pictures they called in one of the male models he had to wrap his hand around my waste and i had to stand on my tippy toes with my arms around his neck while kissing him. while he was leaning in i pushed away "odio este sentimiento" (An-translated( i hate this feeling) i then ran out of the room and into my dressing room.

i know its a crappy begining but hey its going to get better

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18 Reviews

Points: 990
Reviews: 18

Sun Mar 03, 2013 10:36 pm
EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review...

Hey, EatSleepRead here. Hope you like it here :)

I hope I don't sound harsh or anything. I just want to help you so your story will be more appealing to read.

1: The first part I noticed was the lack of periods. Looking through, I only saw 2 periods in the whole story. It was really hard to read because it was just one or two big run-on sentences. I got confused at a lot of parts for it. So try to add in a lot more periods next time you post.

2: Second, whenever you have some dialogue, you have to start a new paragraph. To start a new paragraph, you have to press enter on your keyboard. It will be a whole lot easier to see when people are talking to each other if you start a new paragraph for dialogue.

3: Third, I advise you to read over whatever you write (either it's in school, or here, or anywhere) so that you can fix any accidental mistakes you didn't mean to make.
"shoesand, thephoto..." I know you meant to have a space there, but if you had read over whatever you wrote, little mistakes like that could be prevented. I used to do this too, you know.... My teachers would point out the stupid over-looked mistakes I missed and I would get points off for them. I learned to read over whatever I wrote once or twice, and turns out I had a lot of mistakes I had to fix from the first time. Soooo yeah, check over your work! :)

4: Fourth, homophones. I have a huge pet-peeve over words being used the wrong way. Throughout your story, I had found myself reading over something again because I was confused on what word you meant to use there.
"wrap his hand around my waste". I know you meant to say 'waist'. Words like these are called homophones. Lots of writers have this problem too, don't worry. And homophones are easily confused. Homophones are words that sound the same, but their spelling and meaning are different. In this case, 'waste' and 'waist' are homophones because they sound the same, though their spelling and meaning are different. I'm sure you know this stuff already, so I'll save you an explanation. Just make sure you are using the right words when you're writing. :)

So, I think that's it. Really interesting story though. :)

Hope I've helped! :)

Keep writing! :)

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:48 pm
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Loves! Dogs here with your review today, ok to start things off if I may say WELCOME TO YWS! I'm Tucker and I'm here to help you out with anything, If you need help, or some advice, or just a review, let me know and I'd be glad to comply! Okey dokey, on to ze review. Ok, let's start things off with the proper formatting that this should be placed in. Basically, you want to put in a new paragraph each time you start dialogue of some sort. So one example is when you say:

"while he was leaning in i pushed away 'odio este sentimiento"

This entire line should be on a new paragraph, just because it's a separate idea and action from the previous paragraph.

I think content wise that this is a great start for a novel, although the biggest issue you have in your writing is the grammar. Grammar grammar grammar is essential in your writing, especially in novels. Without the proper grammar, your piece is incredibly difficult to read through. So let's go over a few things:

"headed into thephoto"

Always put spaces in-between words. You have a similar problem when you say: "month called*standing..." you need a space in-between "called" and the "*". You have this issue a few more times throughout your writing.

"area, i was taking photos for my"

Ok, here is a problem that you're consistent with. If you're saying "i" in reference to yourself like "i go walking down the road." It always must be capitalize. "i" is a proper noun and must be capitalized.

The other thing is that the first sentence is just one huge huge run on. It should almost be four or five different sentences. Let's break it down.

"Val, come on sweetie. Time for your photo shoot." 'que vien,' I put on my shoes and headed into the photo taking area. I was taking photos for my new album that's getting released next month. It's called: "Standing threw the pain," the director had me sit on a stool with my shoes in my hand. Legs crossed and head on my knees, looking depressed."

I'm not going to keep going because I don't want to write this for you. Content wise this is a good start and has lots of potential, but the grammar in this piece is really going to slow down your writing. If you're having troubles with that, look this piece up in word and do a spell/grammar check on it. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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303 Reviews

Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

Sat Mar 02, 2013 5:03 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...

Okay, this is a first draft, so I'll give you some slack.

I do however deeply advise you to go and carefully review this, weeding out all of the little grammar mistakes, you have a lot.

Note: when posting, it's usually a good idea to get the title right.

Now, I have read stories like this before, about a superstar having a harder life than it seems from the outside. All of the one's I've read are great.
Though really not my type of thing.

And this is a lot like them.
Note: try to incorporate a bit of originality into your writing, it really helps!

But, keep writing, give it an original twist, draft it. And this could be a great prologue for a great story.

Keep writing!

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206 Reviews

Points: 1171
Reviews: 206

Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:57 pm
LadyPurple wrote a review...

Hello! I'm LadyPurple. I can see you're pretty new to the site. WELCOME!!!
Now, onto the review. I do think it could use some work. The spelling, grammar, and puncuation need some fixing.
"Standing threw the pain"
Would be more like,
"Standing through the pain."
Who's Standing and why are they throwing pain? Kidding :P
Perhaps you should run this though a spell checker. Also, I noticed that you kinda jammed words together (I do that all the time when I forget to hit the space bar). And remember to use apostrophes when needed.
Another thing, remmeber to capitalize the "I"s!
Sorry if this came off as mean I didn't mean to if it did and I'm kinda rushed. Keep writing!

Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson