Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I always knew that I had something special in me, just didn't know what. I barely knew my parents, brother, or any kind of family. As long as I could remember I lived by myself for pretty much all of my life for about 20 years. I live in a trailer out by Chicago pier and a sexaholic. My home didn't consist of a lot of things. All it had was a fridge with a toaster in the back with one bed. I never really cleaned up the house so the place stinked pretty bad, clothes were torn throughout the trailer, not a single piece of carpet was left untouched. Make the wrong move and you would be swimming in a wormhole of some nasty shit.

I came home that day from my usual routine. I was a drug dealer on the streets but didn't use ant of it for myslf. The only reason that kept me moving from day to day was this old sword. I really didn't know what to do with it, I tried throwing away but it always came back to me. I'd consulted a doctor but all he said was that I was totally insane and I had a mental illness called.

I am a little unsure, but when you say nephalem, do you mean the word for human in Diablo? xD Just asking :3

Hi there, Stella here! Firstly, welcome to YWS secondly, since I'm giving you this review I hope you will feel compelled to go on and help another writer in need!

So this is super short and I don't have a lot to say, but I do think that you need to think a bit more about your main character. I mean, they've lived alone their whole life- since they were five? Four? Who raised them? I found that a bit of a hole. I also wondered about the drug dealing- people don't really become dealers without first trying it- and how did they get into that business anyway? Lastly- was that sentence deliberately ended there to cause suspense? It didn't really work for me!

I think that you're trying to give an overview of your character here and it's not quite holding together. Why not? Because there are questions you need to ask yourself about the character that until you know the answer to, we don't know the answer either! This is why it's always important to plan before you write, and to think in between the lines. Don't just think about the situation your characters are in at the moment- think about how they got into that situation!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

If you're meaning to title this based on the Judeo-mythological sons of fallen angels, the word is spelled "Nephilim," or in Hebrew נְפִילִים. I just wanted to correct that.

If you have any questions, let me know.

First off : Welcome to YoungWritersSociety.

Black here for a review.

I think the name should be "Nephalem" with a capital N.
Your paragraphs are well written, though I'd advise breaking them down a bit (It would sound better and look bigger).


What does what he's addicted to have to do with were he lives? Probably should separate those.

I'll leave the rest of the tiny nit picking details to someone else.
Overall this was a promising start, if you keep it up, don't just drop off here, you might go somewhere great with it!

I'd advise adding a bit more to it, it has plenty of space still.


So keep writing!
And good luck!

"As long as I could remember I lived by myself for pretty much all of my life for about 20 years."

Holy department of redundancy department batman! You're using three phrases which all say/imply the same thing, pick one.

"I live in a trailer out by Chicago pier and a sexaholic. "
This doesn't make any sense, this makes it sounds like "sexaholic," is a place, but you don't have it capitalized. If that's not what you meant then you need to break the sentence up, and he's addicted to sexahol?

"I never really cleaned up the house so the place stinked pretty bad, clothes were torn throughout the trailer, not a single piece of carpet was left untouched. Make the wrong move and you would be swimming in a wormhole of some nasty shit.
"stank" is the word you're looking for. "Torn throughout" doesn't make any sense, and "wormhole" isn't the word you're looking for.

"I came home that day from my usual routine. I was a drug dealer on the streets but didn't use aNy of it for mysElf."
The fact he's a drug dealer could be an entire chapter, and you just brushed through it in one sentence.

"I'd consulted a doctor but all he said was that I was totally insane and I had a mental illness called."
Calling a patient completely insane how. . . professional (that's sarcasm), no real doctor would ever do that. You also forgot a word at the end.

I'm not going to lie, this piece needs a lot of work. I pointed out the major stuff, but you have some serious structural and language problems as well. If this is meant to be our introduction to the main character, why are you just telling us everything in short, simple sentences? In fact, this piece is completely made up of short, simple sentences.

Your wording is also really clunky, which makes it impossible to get into a good "flow," which in turn makes it painful to read.