If I were a chocolate,
I could sit and watch you.
Whilst you were eating my nougat center.
We’d be there together,
Just like we used to be.
But differently, you wouldn’t know,
That I, could se.
I, could, see that, you were glad.
But everytime I try.
You, just, eat, my,
Nougat center part.
But only, if I were a chocolate
And could sit and watch you
Whilst you were eating my nougat center.
(long middle play)
I, could, see that, you were glad.
But everytime I try.
You, just, eat, my,
Nougat center part.
But only, if I were a chocolate
And could sit and watch you
Whilst you were eating my nougat center.
Whilst you were eating my nougat center.
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HI! i don't know the original of this song and I couldn't find it on Youtube so I'll just review this as lyrics unconnected to the- oh wait, i was searchiing for the chocolate song, not the painter song. found it!
these are quite funny lyrics! i think it would be funnier if i knew the song well, but they're good anyway. There's not a lot of content (the only really interesting line is whilst you were eating my nougat center) but there isn't in the original either!
ONe bit that I think needs some work:
We’d be there together,
Just like we used to be.
But differently, you wouldn’t know,
That I, could se.
I, could, see that, you were glad.
But everytime I try.
This whole bit doesn't really have anything to do with chocolate or, well, anything, and feels a bit too vague. I think you need to make it make more sense and be more to do with chocolate
I hope I've helped!
I like it! Especially the commas when you write 'you just eat my center part', it reminds me of a pop song, a very cheerful one. And the topic, can't forget the topic. Reminds me when I'm eating chocolate, I eat the chocolate off first then eat the nougat separately, so I think it's nice that you chose a topic people can relate easily to. And the mood of the lyrics suit it as well with its short, snappy bounciness.
I'm quite sure that if it's possible to put a tune into words then I would have a better base on judging your lyrics (many songs have horrible lyrics that sound amazing when put to music).
All I can say right now is it feels very jazzy, and I love the ending, I can imagine the music fading into silence as the last line is sang. One question: have you got a tune for it? I'm curious. xD
You do realize this is a parody on an actual song? xD Seems as if I forgot to type it here. Anyways, the true song is Norah Jones - Painter Song.
This is just for a contest, so bear in mind that it is not one of my most well-made works :3