Chapter One
The Mysterious Voices
Up until recently, I was the one everyone referred to as the prophecy child.
I don’t believe in prophecies.
Really, I’m just glad to still be alive, especially after everything that’s happened. But if I had the power to go back and redo it all, I definitely wouldn’t be in this mess.
Well, maybe I would.
Ω
A rush of adrenaline spiked in Rian’s chest as he heard the whisper.
For you to reach the choosing tree,
The forces of the spindle three.
Glancing over his shoulder, he spun in the desk chair to scan his new bedroom. As far as he could tell, he was alone. The eerie female voice, however, had whispered plainly in his ear.
“Hello?” Rian said, scanning the room again.
Nothing came. He rubbed his eyes. “I’m going insane,” he whispered to himself. He turned back to the desk, examining the broken clock again. He’d never seen a clock quite like it. The shape was that of a miniature oak tree with barren branches, the face of the clock neatly carved into the trunk. The hands had been stuck on 7:20 since Rian arrived the day before, and the second hand kept going back and forth with a faint tock, tock, tock, tock. Rian picked up the clock again, searching for a way to fix it.
Insanity has matched the face,
Of whiskers in the broken place.
Chills gnawed at his insides. Rian dropped the tree and quickly turned around again. There was no doubt in his mind this time, someone had said something. He got on his knees and looked under the bed. Nothing. He rushed to the closet and opened the doors—empty except for old, musty coats.
“Okay, who’s there?”
Nothing here but space and time,
Lonely stays the desert mine.
Rian felt a sharp sting behind his eyes as his vision reddened. Blood trickled from his nose. He swayed and then fell to the floor, the feeling of weightlessness pressing on his stomach. His eyes slowly closed as the ground rushed up to meet him.
Disoriented, he lay on the floor, roused from his stupor by Kathlene as she frantically rapped on the door. “Rian, are you all right?”
Images from the previous day flashed through his mind. The smelly, all-day bus drive from Chicago to Georgia . . . waiting for Blake and Kathlene at the dark bus station . . . the old, maroon Cadillac that smelled like cinnamon.
“Yeah,” he replied groggily, wondering how much time had passed.
“Goodness, you gave me a fright. I thought you’d broken something,” she said, trying to control her unsteady breathing. “Well, if you’re all right, lunch is ready. Valerie is already downstairs.”
Rian listened as Kathlene muttered to herself, her footsteps receding down the hall. She spoke with a peculiar accent, Rian thought. Not the southern type he’d expected, but sort of British, maybe Scottish, with an American influence. Then again, he didn’t know the difference between British and Scottish accents.
Rian’s heart thumped from the rush of falling. Or was it from his dream? He tried to remember what the dream had been about, but it slipped from his memory as quickly as water through sand. He could barely recall the number seven, a tall knotted tree, and a human heart pierced with a white, curved spike. None of it made sense, so he pushed it from his mind, trying to calm down.
Rian rolled over, rubbing his eyes. He’d only been in the new foster home for a day and his new guardian already seemed nervous he would break something. Technically, it wasn’t a foster home—according to Val. But so far it felt just like any other foster home to him. His expectations of the place weren’t high.
By the time Rian made it to the kitchen, Val sat at the table licking syrup off her fingers, already finished with her lunch.
“What have you been up to?” She asked, glancing at the remains of Rian’s bloody nose.
“Oh, not much,” Rian replied, ruffling his messy brown hair and taking a seat. “I heard a voice in my room, then passed out. I think this place is haunted.” He added in a whisper.
Val rolled her eyes. “You think every home we go to is haunted.”
“Not every home,” Rian replied, piling his plate with waffles. “Only one. And I’m serious; there were zombies in that basement. That was the worst home.”
Val looked at Rian with a raised eyebrow and slightly smiled. He knew that look—she didn’t believe him. He knew what he had seen, though, even though it had been five years ago.
“So how long do you think we’ll last here?” Rian asked through a mouth full of sticky waffle.
“Oh come on, give them a chance. They won’t be like the last few foster parents. Besides, they’re Mom’s relatives!”
“Yeah,” Rian answered, “since anyone related to Mom is going to be such a good parent.”
“She wasn’t always crazy, Rian.”
“I know, I know,” Rian sighed, leaning his cheek against his fist. If they kept talking, they’d soon be shouting at each other—a common occurrence when they talked about their mother. “But Val, it’s been eight years. She should be over Dad by now.”
Val stood up. “Are you over it, Rian?”
Memories of the past eight years resurfaced. At five years old, he saw the chaplain at the door bearing news of his father’s disappearance. He understood now what that meant—though, watching his mother fall apart should have made him realize sooner that his father would not be coming home.
“No,” he answered quietly.
“At least they requested us, and we weren’t bounced here from someone who didn’t want us, like the last five homes,” Val added in a whisper as the front door opened.
“Did you enjoy your lunch?” Kathlene asked as she walked into the kitchen carrying a basket of fresh green beans.
“Yes, ma’am,” Val replied, forcing a smile. “Thanks.”
“Oh, enough with this ma’am nonsense, we’re family after all.”
Rian still couldn’t place her accent.
“You can call me Aunt Kathlene. Have you had enough, dear? There is plenty more, and milk or orange juice in the fridge.”
“Yeah, I’m full,” Val replied.
“Well, you just consider yourselves at home here. We’ll do everything we can to make sure you stay with us as long as you like. Oh, it’s nice to have children back in the house.” Aunt Kathlene set down the beans and walked back outside.
“So you think this place is haunted?” Val asked, changing the conversation as she headed toward the fridge.
“I haven’t decided yet,” Rian said. “I need to do some investigating. But if I keep hearing voices in my room, then yes. If so, I’m going to sleep somewhere else.”
Val smiled mischievously, pouring a glass of chilled orange juice. “What did you hear?”
“The voice just said things that didn’t make sense. Like, ‘the insanity of whiskers is broken’ or something like that.”
“Do you think they have an insane cat named Whiskers? Ooh, maybe the cat can talk, and that’s what you heard.” Val laughed.
“Val, I’m serious. I thought there was someone in the room. I didn’t imagine it.”
“Did you hit your head this morning or something?”
“Well, I dropped the broken alarm clock on my head, but that’s all.” Rian answered.
Val glanced at her watch. “Your alarm clock is broken, too?”
“Yeah,” Rian answered, interested. “It’s weird, I’ve never seen a clock shaped like a tree.”
“That’s not too weird, I’ve seen those before.”
“You have?” Rian asked.
“Sure,” Val replied. “But I’ve never seen a clock that is shaped like a real daffodil.”
“Yours is a flower?” Rian let out a laugh. “At least I got the manly one.”
“How are trees manly?”
“They’re manlier than flowers.”
“Whatever, they’re broken anyway.” Val finished the last swig of her orange juice.
“I bet we can fix them—why would they keep broken clocks that can’t be fixed?”
“I don’t really care,” Val asked, shrugging her shoulders.
“There wasn’t a slot for batteries on mine. Or a crank to twist or anything,” Rian added absentmindedly. “I couldn’t get the time to change from 7:20,”
Val sat up straighter. “Mine stopped on 7:20, too.”
“So, what—they both decided to break at the same time?”
“I don’t know, but that might be better to investigate than your ‘haunted’ bedroom.”
“I’m not crazy,” Rian said. “I need to do some digging. Then I can tell you if it’s safe to live here. But you’re right—we should investigate the broken clocks.”
Looking for the perfect time,
Will lead you to the ancient rhyme.
Rian whipped his head around, looking over his shoulder. “Did you hear that?” he whispered.
“Hear what?” Val asked.
“Shh!” Rian said softly. “I heard the voice again.”
Val smirked, raising her eyebrow again. “Rian, there’s nothing there.”
Whistles and bristles, Electio. Let the boy be! A new voice whispered into Rian’s ear, though it sounded less eerie. You know the damage you can cause to his mind with a prolonged connection, the second voice wheezed.
Rian stood from his chair and started opening the kitchen cupboards. Electio—so the female voice had a name.
I cannot leave the chosen three,
They’re needed at the choosing tree.
“Rian there’s nothing there,” Val hissed.
“There are two voices now,” Rian whispered, opening the fridge and peeking around the door.
If you bring them here, I can’t help them, said the voice of the old man.
Rian got on his knees and glanced under the table—nothing. He opened the dishwasher—also empty. Blood rushed to his head as he stood up straight, his vision dimming. He grabbed the counter and balanced himself as the room started spinning.
They’ll find their way into the land,
If I lead them by the hand.
Rian shook the dizziness away and climbed onto the countertop. Blood started to trickle from his nose as he searched above the cupboards.
“Rian, get down!” Val shouted.
“I’m not crazy, Val!” Rian hissed back, wiping his nose. “There is something here!”
Can’t you see you’re hurting the boy?
Spots of light danced across his vision as the dizziness returned. Rian tried to steady himself again, but he lost his balance. He fell backward onto the floor, losing consciousness.
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi Ben! I’m really sorry this has taken so long—uni work has very efficiently been eating away at my brain.
I like this opening—it intrigues with the fact of the prophecy, asks what happened recently to change things, and gives a sense of character with the final line. Swell.
I found this rather sudden. He’s hearing voices, then all at once he’s on the floor. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy saga, as it probably does happen suddenly, but you could order events a bit differently. Take the first sentence: you have two things there, the sting behind his eyes and his vision turning red. These are both very important, so they should each have their own sentence. The last two sentences repeat each other, as you say he fell to the floor, then say his eyes closed as the ground rushed up to meet him, which is basically saying that he fell to the floor. I think you should expand the beginning and trim the end. Maybe reword to something like, Rian’s eyes began to sting. He swayed, his vision reddening, blood tricking from his nose. He tried to take a step towards the bed, but his feet slid out from under him and he fell. His head hit the floor with a thud, and his eyes rolled back into his head. Of course it doesn’t have to be exactly like that, but you could make it more vivid.
This is a bit confusing. He’s just collapsed, but now in the same sentence he’s disorientated and roused from his stupor. Which is it? Is he still conscious when he falls or has he just woken up?
So far this has all been in Rian’s POV, but this bit snaps us right out and into Kathlene’s head. Stick with Rian; don’t tell us anything that he doesn’t know. Maybe he can hear her unsteady breathing through the door (though that would be weird), but he wouldn’t necessarily know that she’s trying to control it. Telling us so is putting us in Kathlene’s perspective.
There is no ‘British’ accent—Britain is a bunch of countries all with their own accents. ^_^ I’m curious about Kathlene now, because I assumed that she was his wife, but now it seems not.
Ohh, he’s still young. I thought he was a young man and Kathlene was his wife and maybe Blake was his son. I can’t really pinpoint why—but could you maybe say ‘foster home’ a bit earlier on?
Should be a small letter on ‘she’. Also, if a kid’s just arrived in a foster home and he has a bloody nose, wouldn’t she be more concerned? (Oh ok, she’s his sister. I thought she was the foster-mum or a carer or something).
It’s not easy to be subtle about a character’s appearance, but this way is very obviously just so we know what colour his hair is. It’s not really necessary this early on, or at all.
---
This was very enjoyable! It kept me reading, and it’s a good start to a story, introducing the main character and a beginning of conflict very well. Your writing is very smooth, although a little bald on description. Your dialogue is very realistic as well, particularly between Rian and Val.
Although you do a good job of showing the story and the characters, some of the character revelations came a bit late. As soon as you introduce a character, even if it’s just a name, readers will build up a picture of that person in their head, so you need to get in quick before they have a permanent idea of the character that’s completely at odds with how they really are. From the first few sentences, I had a picture of Rian as a young man who’d just moved into a new house with his wife and small child. Then it turns out that he’s a kid in a foster home and the wife is actually his foster-parent. It’s a bit disorientating because I could see the grown-up and married Rian really clearly, and I was already picturing the story as a Stephen King novel. Maybe it’s my head today, but clarifying some of those points early on will really help. Just saying ‘foster-home’ will help—it could go here:
and say “since Rian arrived at the foster-home the day before.”
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Hello Ben,
I'm sorry this is so late. I tried to get around to it sooner, but I've been busy. First of all let me just say this was a very enjoyable read. I like that the story is told mostly through dialogue, I write in a similar way. These characters feel real to me by their dialogue and interactions with each other. You've also created a good atmosphere with the voice and the bedroom.
With that said, here are some things I noticed that I think you could improve on:
First thing I noticed is the word "had". I'm not sure what your editors think of that word in prose, but I've learned that many editors consider it a "forbidden word" in writing. Now that sounds silly, but what they mean by that is the word "had" slows the pace of the scene/story. There are often words that can be used in place of "had" that get the same meaning across and flow better in the writing.
Now I'm not saying to get rid of every "had", but to only use it sparingly when referring to a time sequence. (and use it in dialogue too). This means that you should remove the last "had" in the example above. "Had been" is clarifying how long the clock was broken, but "Rian had arrived the day before" flows better as "Rian arrived the day before". (Since "before" clarifies the past and makes the "had" unnecessary.)
You could even try to re-write the sentence to remove all of the "hads" if you wanted to. Something like this: "The hands were stuck on 7:20, the same as when Rian arrived the day before..."
"as when" is a little awkward too, but I hope you get the idea.
That was a little hard to explain, so I hope it made some sense. Here is a link to an article about "forbidden words", there is some more discussion and examples of "had" in there: http://www.absolutewrite.com/novels/forbidden_words.htm
Again, you should cut that "had" and read the sentence out loud. It reads better without it.
Shouldn't this be "a sharp sting"? It's a little picky I know, but using "ing" without knowing what, who, or how Rian is being stung feels off. Also, you could replace and with "as" to better connect the two events if you want. Good description with "his vision reddened".
Should be "lie" on the floor. I forget the correct usage of lay vs. lie all the time. But "lay" implies setting something down, while people and animals "lie" down. The past tense of "lie" is still just "lie", haha. That's why it's so confusing.
The first sentence is excellent, but I would re-write the second to eliminate the "had" and replace "Rian" with "he". (Since you already used his name in the previous sentence.) "He noticed/thought she spoke with a peculiar accent." Or something like that.
Then, re-write "he'd been expecting" as "he expected".
This is very important clarification that he doesn't understand the difference between the two accents. I would just get rid of the "had" with "he could not tell the difference between British and Scottish anyway", or something similar.
OK, this is good info, but you convey this through the dialogue just a little later on. So I would cut this part. The interaction between Rian and Val at the table tell us all of this in a more natural free-flowing kind of way.
Cut the "up". It flows better. ("up" is also a "forbidden word" haha)
OK, this chunk needs some work. Now I'm not trying to be mean, but this came off as an "info-dump". I do the same thing all the time. Are you familiar with the writing phrase "show, don't tell"? If you are, sorry. I'm not trying to be patronizing.
The problem is you have dropped the characters perspective here and you're now speaking to the reader as the narrator. You need to somehow convey this information to the audience through the character's actions and dialogue. This could be tricky, but you may have to save all of this info for a later chapter.
Maybe you could have Val or Rian start a conversation with something like "do you miss mom and dad?" And then have all of this info come up through natural conversation. Because as it stands now, it feels like a brief history lesson. (I'm not try to be mean! The story itself is good, it's just the presentation of this part is too "telly").
This feels a bit unnatural to say right in front of the kids. I could picture her saying it to her husband, but not to them so much.
That last part is a a little redundant. You mentioned earlier what her eyebrow gesture means, so you don't need to repeat it's meaning.
This is picky, but you should spell out "refrigerator" here and only use "fridge" in the dialogue. The narrator often can't get away with common slang, or shortening of words like characters can. I think this is one of those situations, but I could be wrong. It's up to you.
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OK, I hope that wasn't too harsh. I really did enjoy the story
I will try to find time to read the rest and review for you. This is a good start to the story and I'm interested to see where it goes.
-Dude
Thanks for the info! Yeah, I've heard phrases like "show don't tell" and "info dump" before. I think that section of info does need some work. As for the rest of your review, I'm impressed. Thanks for taking the time - you have a good eye as to what should be changed and what not. I'll run it by my editor and see what she thinks. Thanks!
Well my goodness gracious! Never before have I been offered four whole reviews. Why the situation is just so deliciously tempting, how could I possibly refuse! (Sorry I've been watching Anna Korenina) I'd be pleased to review all of your chapters, do keep in mind that every single one of my notes will be nit picks to the extreme. Let's dive in now shall we?
"I definitely wouldn't be in this mess"
Ok, nice start to this piece. I like the idea of how the prophesier doesn't believe in prophecies, great little sense of irony there. Perhaps this is just the love for old British mystery movies, but I think "I certainly wouldn't be in.." flows better than "definitely"
"examining the broken clock again. He'd never..."
You use fragment sentence usually quite well in your writing. Although, if you ever get the chance to avoid using a fragment sentence, do so. In this case I would connect these two sentences with a comma.
"He tried to remember what the dream..."
Again, minor nit picky thing, but say "recall" instead of "remember." It's just one of those things where it flows better.
Wowsers, apart from those tiny notes I really have nothing to say. Certainly your dialogue is the strongest part of your writing here. It really compliments the piece, the only thing that I'd say is that you should describe Aunt Kathlene and give us a mental image of her. That's really the only part where I'm a little loss. Anywho! On to the next chapter
TuckEr EllsworTh
This is very well written, and I'm finding it rather hard to find anything I dislike about it. but I can note that the character does have a thing with falling unconscious!
I really like how the ghost talks in rhymes, I think it really adds to the creepiness. and rain's nose bleeding in the ghost's presence is something different. I've read several stories with character reactions to ghosts, but nose bleeds are a first!
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you found things in it that you liked.
Hello, how are you? I am Flora and I will review your writing.
I found it to be rather mysterious and sketchy. I loved the plot it was a good way to start a chapter because it is a sure way to keep my interest. Not many people can do a good job but at the same time add realistic situations and you did just that. As i was reading about the voices and the clock stopping at 7:20, I started to feel chills. I will be waiting for more.
Thanks for the review!
Hey, it's my Mentee!
~ Ooh, I like this. I never can seem to make these little...whatever you call them. The little rhyming prophecies/bits of advice/important information. This is very nice.~ Hmm...there's kind of a big difference between British and Scottish accents. Irish and Scottish accents can get mixed up, but...not sure how confusable British and Scottish is.
~ xD. This bit actually made me laugh. I think I'm in love with Val.
~~~
Okay!
Your characters are believable. I could totally see a thirteen year old boy and his fifteen year old sister discussing whether or not a tree was manly. xD That part was adorable.
The ghosts, too, had very distinct personalities, which I liked. I have a feeling that old-man ghost is going to become a favorite of mine as the story progresses. He has that feeling of a character who will stick around for a while.
So, anyway...yeah, I liked this quite a bit, and I'll be moving on to Chapter 2 when I get a few minutes to review again.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hey, thanks for the comment! I'm glad you see the characters clearly, and were able to connect with some of them! Also, thanks for the compliments. One thing with the rhyming couplets - they're basically nonsense, so they weren't very hard to write.
On the subject of accents, I totally hear you. If we're talking London versus Edinburgh, there is a stark contrast (kind of like Brooklyn Vs. Texas). But if you go more in the middle, say near Middlesbrough, the accents get mixed together (sort of like New Jersey vs. Brooklyn). The point of the sentence is that he has absolutely no idea what British or Scottish sound like in separate contexts (I didn't at age 13, did you?).
However, if that still confuses you, I'll take it into consideration when I'm revising.
Thanks for the reply!!