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Love Strikes

by tteele


 
 
Sometimes arrows are slow , 
they cut through the air 
slicing it into halves , 
but heavily like air was full.
Full of other arrows waiting to get there
all getting stuck in one traffic .
Making  people wait,
wait for love.
 
 
But then one day ,
the red light turns green
and the arrow gets through.
He hits you exactly
perfectly on the spot
and then there isn't  much to change.
The arrow is stuck, you can't pull it out.
He makes you face it,
face your heart's thought. 
Love  the guy you wouldn't expect
 
 
Suddenly  he seems to perfect
every piece of him
his brown , silky hair , 
the confused look in his eyes 
the dreams of being in his arms...
The arrow paralized you, 
to study him,
to look at him 
and find out
Find out how well you fit,
how complete your life
would be if you added him .
 
 
The arrow doesn't rot,
it doesn'tleave
till all the juices are out of him .
Till it's all in your blood,
in your heart 
and your mind is stuck
stuck on him ..
And  when that happens,
when your heart and soul
get trapped together with his
you can look at the horizon 
and see a dot in the space.
You whisper " Thank  you..."
to the  strike that changed your  life. 
 
 


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Wed Feb 27, 2013 10:32 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



HEY! guineapiggirl here to review. Firstly though, welcome to YWS! I hope you're settling in happily. oh, and well done for doing loads of reviews already!
To be perfectly honest, I didn't like this poem. I found it uninteresting and the grammar needs a little bit of work.
Sorry to be harsh, but criticism's how you improve, right?
Let's start with the grammar, because that's simple. Grammar in poems should be just like grammar in normal writing. There should be full stops at the ends of sentences and commas at the ends of clauses. Interestingly, you've got it almost completely right in the second stanza (apart from there should be a comma after exactly) I'll just look at one of these verses that particularly bothered me:


Suddenly he seems to(o? Do you mean too perfect? Or do you mean to perfect? I think too perfect makes more sense... Here's a link: http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_c ... too_to.htm )
Every piece of him;
his brown , silky hair,
the confused look in his eyes,
the dreams of being in his arms... (Personally, I hate dot dot dots in poems. They feel lazy)
The arrow paralized you,
to study him,
to look at him
and find out
Find out (I don't like the repeat of find out. I'd cut it. If you keep it you need a comma after the first find out) how well you fit,
how complete your life
would be if you added him.

So, there wasn't an awful lot to correct there. You've got it right for the most part so it would seem that you know it but maybe just don't know that you know it?

My favourite verse was the second verse. I thought it was quite poetical. The grammar was nearly all correct and you had that interesting red light metaphor. I think this is the most interesting and insightful verse.
So, I think you have potential as a poet. Other than the little grammar things, you've a good style, and you're still quite young.
I hope I've helped a little and you don't think I've been too harsh!




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Tue Feb 26, 2013 11:10 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I appreciate your effort to bring back images of cupid mythology, but this poem is going to need a lot of work before it can be called good.

I think to begin with, you should focus on the metaphor of the arrow. And bring Cupid into the poem. Don't just mention the arrow and not the archer. The first stanza focuses on the arrow quite narrowly, and when you bring in this other person, things get confused and jumbled.

Also, if you're going to talk about falling in love slowly, you need to change the metaphor altogether. Arrows are swift because they have to be. If released from the bow slowly, the arrow is going to fall at your feet. Also, why is the arrow in traffic? If you're going to use a stuck in traffic metaphor, it is better to use something that is actually in traffic.

It does seem as if you're talking about falling in love slowly. In that case, "Love Struck" is an inappropriate title for this poem. You can't really be lovestruck if you fall in love slowly.

In the second stanza, you need to define "he." I know it's Cupid, but it would be nice to know for sure that you're not talking about Green Arrow or Hawkeye.

Suddenly, he seems too perfect

Don't describe anyone as perfect. There are so many ways to say that a person is wonderful and good without saying they are perfect. Use images that connect with the person's loveliness. For example, in one of my poems, I described the other person's lips as "two petals / dressed in dew." Find images that hold beauty for you and apply them to this person. (the bold is for changes you need to make)

till all the juices are out of him .

Okay, so I'm sure that you didn't mean for this line to be sexual, but it definitely reads that way. You need to change that. Pronto. Unless you did mean it that way. If you did, you need to find a gentler way of saying that. It sounds pretty vulgar as it is.

So from what I'm seeing, your first stanza shows the most promise. I think you should focus on how unexpectedly one falls in love, though perhaps don't talk about yourself or your personal experiences with it. Explore different kinds of love through the arrow, though make sure they all have the characteristics of an arrow. Metaphors exist because two things share similar characteristics. Don't draw connections where none should exist (i.e. arrows and heavy traffic).

I hope that this review was helpful to you. Have a nice day!




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Tue Feb 26, 2013 10:26 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Alright, so for my initial reading, I jotted down some notes I'd like you to have on the poem.

Commas and other punctuation should be against text, not with a space. This goes for commas, periods, quotations, and more. Sticking to this general writing rule for English helps people connect with the poem and believe it's serious.

If an arrow was shot slowly, and straight, it would fall flat on the ground. Arrows have to be fired at high speeds in order to go in a straight direction which 'cutting' would suggest is happening in this poem. If they aren't going straight, and they are fired at a lower velocity, they need to be angled into the air to get any sort of distance.

The use of the arrow imagery for love is rather vague. I'm not sure to begin the poem why it is so heavily based on this arrow, and throwing in love suddenly at the end of the line makes it seems like it was an afterthought that this arrow is supposed to symbolize something.

The arrow stuck in traffic is confusing as well because you are talking, originally, about an arrow shot from a bow. Arrows being propelled forward suddenly stuck in traffic is a backwards mindset because we've already shot them forward. There is no mention of a quiver either so it makes me question the poem too much with pointless nit-pick things like, why didn't this come first for chronological order? Is the quiver the car? Why are these metaphors stacked? Why would an arrow be driving?

How do the arrows symbolize love? You never reference anything else, or introduce any adjectives that would paint this arrow as love, so it suddenly being an image of love without any previous hints is jarring. I almost want to believe that it is Not love just because you had to tell me it is love instead of letting me figure it out on my own.

Too= too many, too perfect, too few, an abundance of
To= To do, to go, to see, an infinitive attached to a verb.

...= omitting information (although in this generation it has been morphing into a pause, (personally, I still like the comma for that)).
..= typo (in my eyes).

If you are deleting letters for the spoken word's sound, I would suggest using an ' to be a placeholder.

The last stanza has at least one blatant mature symbols in it which you may want to temper with a language warning. "till all the juices are out of him." I know you're not being 'explicit' but it could be taken that way so you might want to play on the safe side, or rework the area to make it sound more emotional love instead of physical love.

The last imagery of a dot on the horizon is too unexplained for me to gather what the dot is. I want to guess that it is cupid, but it could also be 'him' or the arrow, or any number of different things. I would suggest spending more time with it and really explore it.

I'm not a fan of repetition when it comes as two words that are the same right next to one another, 'stuck/stuck' or "find out/Find out" I feel like there are enough ways to say things in English that we don't need to repeat ourselves so blatantly. "wait,/wait" is another example. These things just annoy me and I skip the second word all together.

What happened to the arrow?

Alright, so the overall poem I felt had some good points. First, I like how you decided to call back images of Cupid and old mythology, but I think you could do more with it than you did. Also, I'm not so curious about who or how this love plays out, but the feeling of love and what it causes when it first 'cuts through the air'.

I would suggest trimming it down to one metaphor as well. Really just explore how love cuts through the world around us, and play with just that in the poem. I think that will really help you clarify how an arrow is like love, and perhaps explore new territory.





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