Young Writers Society

Hello there Bull! Dogs here with your review as requested. I'm glad I could get to this before the end of the night. Okey dokey, i think the imagery that you use in this piece is certainly the strongest aspect of your writing here. you use great imagery and excellent vocab. Glad we could scratch that off the list, although on a side note, you don't have to capitalize every single letter in the beginning of each line. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the writer, but I think it looks a little sloppy and having the variation of sizes between the lowercase and uppercase letters looks much better than the straight expected capital every sentence. Ok, now then on to ze review.

Tonight, I show thee my naked/ Innocent snow-like fresh"

Most of my notes are going to be nit picks, but in this instance I think you use one too many descriptor for your character's flesh. It makes the beginning a little bit choppy, maybe cut out "snow like" from the second line and it'll fix up the flow there. Also, you need a period or comma after "flesh" in this line.

"Let Lust restrain your mind"

This line is a little contradictory, firstly "lust" shouldn't be capitalized. Secondly, to restrain means to keep on in control or prevent one from doing something. Which I certainly don't think is what you're trying to convey here. Maybe try saying: "Let lust pollute your mind" if you really want to push the feel of it all.

"Do as you please,/ please as you go."

I see what you are trying here, but if you say the second line out loud to yourself, it doesn't really make much sense. Maybe you should put in "tease as you go" here instead. It has the rhyme and makes sense.

I'm curious as to why you decided to describe the colors of his clothes in such a way as you did. You could really push the disgusting realm of this piece but describing those colors with "gross" things. For example, mustard is just revolting to me and makes my skin curl, so that's why I got that interpretation from those lines. Although I love raspberries, so it feels contrasting and I'm not sure how to feel about the air of this poem.

"Now my feet"

Your writing is pretty darn solid throughout the rest of the piece, although when I read this part i just squirm and freak out. To most people, foot fetishes are just skin peelingly revolting. Me included. Yes I get that your poem is suppose to make the reader feel uncomfortable, but that might just be one step too far.

All and all a wonderful piece, nice ending there. A little ambiguous though as to what actually is the scar that he left... but nice writing. I enjoyed reading this piece. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

there is a typo..the line "end with a stare" should be under "Our rare affair has"

Oooooh, this is really quite disturbing...
I will never be able to think of drawing on paper in quite the same way again.
So, Guineapiggirl here with a review.
I thought this was very good.
I got what you were doing with the fresh- the paper is fresh, it is unmarked- but it did sound a little odd. I might have used another word... I'm not quite sure what.
This poem feels very dirty. Yes, you have definitely made me look at a blank piece of paper quite differently...
I thought that most of this poem was very good. You used very descriptive language to describe what was going on. One bit that I didn't like was this:

Dominatingly, you grasp me assertively
Submissively, I surrender.

It read a little funny. I kind of like it because of the mirroring thing of the two lines and the illiteration on the second line and stuff. However, I think it's a little too similar.

What have you dare done?

This should probably be what have you dared to do?

You have stained my innocence,

I'd like to hear more about how the paper feels about this. I'd like to know whether it feels let down or like it's done the wrong thing, or disappointed, that it wasn't what it expected it to be.
Or does the paper like what's been done to it?

I don't like the last couplet:

The night...the affair...my affair-
Our affair will be exposed by dawn.

Personally I'd just cut it and end on 'On my fresh'.

So, in conclusion, very good, very disturbing, very dirty poem. I hope I've helped a little

Tis a review.
The first time I read the use of the word "fresh" I thought it was probably a typo. The second time I read it I was still thinking okay maybe again. The third time I knew it wasn't a typo but then I was sort of confused. I get that it's supposed to be synonymous with flesh, but I don't quite understand how. This isn't a bad thing because it obviously means something to you and as a reader I may never know what, but that's the chances you take in reading poetry. I love the descriptive nature of the piece and as a whole I really like it. It's not everyday that you read a current poem that uses Old English, and I was even taught not to use it, but what do teacher know anyway? That was lovely.