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Facade

by Nook


My many, many faces,
swirl around like a montage,
but my true one
lies directly behind my
laughing face,
hidden in blue-black tears
on the rare occasions 
I break.
 
Someday,
I hope that my real face
would see a shaft of light;
gets a hand that pulls it out
of the ocean it's drowning in.
 
And maybe then,
I can laugh,
and enjoy the time I have on Earth,
sincerely,
without thinking otherwise,
without thinking myself
a shameful lie.
 
But I can't help but 
let out a dry, sandy laugh,
and scold myself
for thinking the impossible.


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Tue Mar 19, 2013 5:00 pm
SkyeJane says...



I found you!!!
And I remember this!!!!!
No more caves!!!!!!!!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!
And this poem rocks!!
Can I turn it into a song!!!!?
please.




aqua1213 says...


My pleasure! xP



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Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:05 am
Pencil2paper wrote a review...



Hi aqua!

Pen here with a review.

First of all, a great poem wityh a relatable, interesting message. The disjointed feel to the poem only enhanced the feeling that you are conveying.

However, things can always be improved.

First of all, in the phrase 'lies directly behind my', directly, in my opinion, could stand to be changed. Maybe change it to something like 'discretly' or 'silently' to help convey that it is there even when no one notices.

In the stanza, "Someday,
I hope that my real face
would see a shaft of light;
gets a hand that pulls it out
of the ocean it's drowning in.", 'would' should be changed to 'will' to keep the tense consistent. For the same reason 'gets' should be changed to 'will get'. I also think 'it's' should be changed to 'I'm' because it sounds more personal and more urgent.

Overall I think this is a great poem with an even better message. Always keep writing!

~Pen




aqua1213 says...


Thank you, Pencil! XD



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:53 pm
Pencil2paper says...



Hi aqua!

First of all, a fantastic poem. I

Oops. Computer freaked out.




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:58 pm
Sparkle wrote a review...



Hi, aqua!

This is a very interesting poem that I think a lot of people could relate to. It does not have a very rhythmatic flow, but I think that that works in the context of the piece. It seems very personal and conversational. I especially like the last stanza. It is very clear and to the point, and not overly dramatic.

You are a bit repetitive in parts. You use the word face a little more than I think is necessary, which I found distracting. It's a bit of a hiccup in the movement of the poem. I like noninjaspresent's idea of using "laughing facade" instead of "laughing face".

This is a really good start, so keep writing! I can't wait to read more of your work!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:22 pm
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KylaThompson wrote a review...



Hello, Kyla here to leave you a review.

I want to first start off by saying that it is a very lovely poem, and I enjoyed reading it. It does look like you worked hard on it. Now, if I say something misleading or I am mistaken please do not hesitate to correct me or help me have a better understanding. I would like to break it up into pieces and explain what I read. I see in all the paragraphs, you only have 1 period and I am quite confused with that first off. (You don't have to make these adjustments, but to me it seems a little cluttered and need more periods to clean it up a bit.)

For the first paragraph, I personally think that instead of "My many, many faces" I think I would have held a different tone to it and put something such as "Oh my, many faces". (With a comma.) I would have then continued with " Swirl around like a montage." (Yes, ending with a period.) I would have then continued with "My true one lies directly behind my laughing face." You can tell there is a separation with these punctuations and it makes more sense to me as an outside reader looking in. "Hidden in blue-black tears on the rare occasion, I break."

Now on the second paragraph, I think I would have gone with "Someday I hope that my real face would see a shaft of light; get(s) a hand that pulls it out of the ocean, it's drowning."

Now the next one I wouldn't exactly have a comma after "And maybe then". I think it flows better and nicer if you did "And maybe then I can laugh and enjoy the time I have on Earth." I was confused with the Sincerely ? I would go with "Without thinking otherwise, without thinking myself a shameful lie."

I like how you put your comma after "dry" and then "sandy laugh". I think it would look better if you did "But I can't help but let out a dry, sandy laugh; Scold myself for thinking the impossible."

I hope that some of these remarks helped, I really do like this poem all in all! I think that there is always room for improvement, but you do know how to write. I will definitely have to read more pieces from you. :) Like I said before if I said something out of order, please do tell me and I am very sorry if I did.




aqua1213 says...


Awesome review! Thank you! ^^



KylaThompson says...


Hey didn't see your comment. You are very welcome, I hope that my advice helped :)



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 2:51 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi! this will be a rather short review i'll just make minor suggestions.

Firstly i love your poem in general, it has a lot of emotion and an honesty to it, which many people can relate to so it's realistic in that sense.

The only suggestions i'd make are, in this stanza;

"And maybe then,
I can laugh,
and enjoy the time I have on Earth,
sincerely,
without thinking otherwise,
without thinking myself
a shameful lie."

It's good, just a bit repetitive in the second half, so maybe change the words slightly, like;

Without thinking otherwise,
not seeing myself
a shameful lie

Something like that, but you get the general idea.

I liked your closing stanza, the tone of it in particular.
Overall good poem, keep up the good work!
If you want another review you can PM me or something hope i helped :D

-Infinity x




aqua1213 says...


You're right. That repetitive part was necessary. >u< Thank you!



aqua1213 says...


You're right. That repetitive part was necessary. >u< Thank you!



aqua1213 says...


WAHH. O.O I... meant... un...necessary... O.o



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:21 am
Chrisoh99 says...



Hey... Review:
You wrote a very nice poem. I like your style. It's just the voice. While reading, I felt that the poem was silent. No one was there. Furthermore, the stanzas are quite organised.
Nice!




aqua1213 says...


Thanks. Short and sweet. ^u^



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:19 am
Chrisoh99 says...



Hey... Review:
You wrote a very nice poem. I like your style. It's just the voice. While reading, I felt that the poem was silent. No one there. But it's really good.




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:11 am
brittbritt12347 wrote a review...



My name is brittany and im here to review you. :)
I know this comes from your heart and I can tell by what it is saying.
A few errors you have are, it does lack tone and voice.
To make it better I think you should make the poem where it doesnt have repitition of the same word like noninjapresent said before. Maybe you should also try and make it have a rhythme or a beat to bring out the voice in it you're trying to get people to see. :)
Above all it was a good poem.
Have a good night!
Happy writing!




aqua1213 says...


Thankx. X3



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:04 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo there! I'm here for a shorter review today. :)

This is obviously a rather emotional and personal piece. I'm not entirely a fan of reviewing those as I feel a bit edgy about criticising personal thoughts. What a generally find with personal pieces is that they aren't as a crisp and tidy as normal pieces. So be warned, all criticism is of the work itself. Please don't take anything too personally.

There are a few good metaphors and similes in this piece. Flow and rhythm have been thrown out the window, so unless you plan to rewrite it to give it at least a bit of flow, figurative language is the strongest suite in this poem.

A bit of a tip: try not to repeat certain keywords in the one stanza. An example of this is "face" in the first. I recommend looking through a thesaurus any time that happens. A nice fix for the first stanza would to put "laughing fa├žade" instead of "laughing face".

Tone is also an important part of poetry. The sarcastic tone in the last stanza is a good point. The tone is really strong and matches the words. Try highlighting the different tones in the other stanzas.

Right now, I can't really think of anything else to say, but I do hope this helps. And as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




aqua1213 says...


Thank youuuu! Lol to the funny whatever at the end. XD



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:19 am
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Omnom wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Omniyus, and I am going to review this fine review today! I have great strength in this, I will review, I must review!


This poem is a very nice poem. It is an original poem, without any dark sense about it like any of the other poems I have read today. This is something that happens to everyone, and anyone who denies it is a liar. This is a great piece on interpreting it and delivering it. You are truly a poet.


I don't have anything else to say about this, so I will just end it on this.


I hope this helped you a little bit,
Omniyus




aqua1213 says...


I don't think I'm a true poet...>///> But thank you!



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:22 am
tteele wrote a review...



Heyo there ;)

It's true. Alot of people have a face they use around their friends , to cover up their real face . Or their real 'me' . The 'me' that screams and cries into the pillow at night , the one that has cuts on its wrists and a scarred heart. I thing you got the idea of that really to the readers and probably (sadly) alot of people could relate to this. Just one tiny idea :) you use some nice literary devices already , but they are all metaphors and smilies , try to use some more different ones like smybols or onomatopoeia . They spice up the poem and make the reader focus and think about the poem more. Different things make people get stuck , they can't just scroll through the poem , they read and think . So yeah , that's all the advice i can give to this amazing poem :)

- tteele




aqua1213 says...


I know... actually I wrote this poem in Math class, when I was bored. ^^"
So I didn't get to actually deepen or perfect it. ^6^



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:15 am
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review...



Hey aqua ^_^ This is a great poem, I really like the content :) I think everyone can relate to having a different face behind the one we sometimes show our family and friends.

There were a few parts in this that I thought could be fixed up, but I'm really not the best with grammar in poetry so take what I say with a grain of salt!

And maybe then,
I can laugh,
and enjoy the time I have on Earth,
sincerely,
without thinking otherwise,
without thinking myself
a shameful lie.

this stanza I thought had too many lines that ended with a comma. For me, when I read poetry I try to read it with pauses where the commas are just like in a book. So for me it sounded like

And maybe then, I can laugh, and enjoy the time I have on Earth, sincerely, without thinking otherwise, without thinking myself a shameful lie.

Maybe you could try something more like

And maybe then I can laugh,
Enjoy the time I have left on Earth without thinking otherwise,
Without thinking myself a shameful lie.

but that's really just a personal preference of mine! That's about my only complaint with this poem, is that the structure could be cleaned up a bit.

My many, many faces,
swirl around like a montage,
but my true one
lies directly behind my
laughing face,

Again,

My many, many faces, swirl around like a montage,

I ended up pausing a lot x)

Alright, I hope this review was helpful! Thanks for posting ^_^




aqua1213 says...


Thanks for reviewing, Blackie! :D
(Watching Chihayafuru right now and loving it! XD)



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:04 am
Hannah wrote a review...



It's definitely something we've all experienced. It's a common human feeling to feel like we've got a couple of selves working in our body, or that we have to wear a mask when we go out in public. But the fact that it is something so common in the human experience means you have to bring something new to the topic if you choose to write about it. There's nothing new in this poem. We have to go deeper.

I suggest starting from the feeling of the mask drowning in the ocean, a shaft of light, and a hand. That, aside from being almost your only image in the poem, is your strongest. It serves to anchor us in the feeling of being isolated from everyone else, because even though water actually carries sound really well, when we imagine being in it we imagine silence. As I said, it's an anchor, and that's what any other images you choose to add would be as well. Images serve as anchors for readers to meditate on while they're trying to digest any narrative or philosophy you're throwing at them, and since you seem to want to delve in the philosophy, you're going to need more anchors to keep us interested.

But, even if you just added images to this poem, it wouldn't be good enough. You've got to smooth the philosophy and make it deeper. So what if you're living a lie on Earth? What makes you not want to enjoy your time? Do you ever think about living completely in the mask, and what feeling keeps you wanting to be the real person and not the masked person? Give me more of your personal experience. As you said, everyone feels some version of this, so personal feelings in the poem will help make it unique.

And after all that's said and done, try to merge the images with the tone, the message, the feeling of the poem. If your image reinforces a philosophy of loneliness, it is not only playing the part of an anchor, but strengthening the tone of your poem and leading the reader further into the feeling that you want to evoke in them as they read.

PM me if you have any questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!




aqua1213 says...


Hannah, thanks for your suggestions! I know this could be a lot better. >///>



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:01 am
Glauke wrote a review...



Hi there. :)

First of all, let me just say that the imagery you used here is beautiful. The message is concise, and it comes through loud and clear. Your final two lines leave a lasting impression on the reader. This poem is powerful and I really really enjoyed it.

Thank you so much for writing and posting this. It's really brilliant.




aqua1213 says...


Pen, you were the first! Thank you so much! :D




What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines