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Young Writers Society



Thin

by theironnovelist


breath from tight lips poised for a perfect kiss
fleshes out my body from the lightest touch--
a whisper, a secret to give me life;

forthwith, my delicate frame reflects
the sun's harsh rays,
fashioning them into brilliant rainbows;

translucent beauty lasting only moments,
drifts above the settling air
before an outstretched hand
reaches to prudently hold me;

and--there,
I've burst!
my life thin as my shell.

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131 Reviews

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Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:53 pm
godlypopo wrote a review...



Hi, here for a review.
You use lovely descriptions to tell the story of blowing a bubble(defiantly didn't cheat) in an enhanced detail which just makes the whole thing a very beautiful read.
and-- there
The double dash creates that reflective pause for the reader as they try to work about wether this was a pause of sadness or excitement. Just remember that you don't need the space between -- and there.
My only other nitpick is that you need to give breath a capital B and my needs a capital M. Also maybe try include a few stops so it isn't just one long sentence.

I found that you could also take this as a story about emotions. This speaker could be very emotional and only have a thin shell to protect them from tears. I can't tell wether you burst because of a breakup or because of falling in love. An example of this theory is when you say: my delicate frame reflects the sun's harsh rays. You could look at this as if you are trying to bounce back harsh comments towards you. By doing this, you feel better and your emotions turn into a rainbow of crude delight.

Well, that's my take on the story behind your poem. I enjoyed it ^-^

That's all from me,
Godly






thanks! i appreciate every word:)





thanks! i appreciate every word:)



godlypopo says...


No problem!



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863 Reviews

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Mon Jan 05, 2015 5:25 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, theironnovelist!

This is just lovely. A poem about blowing bubbles. It made my heart happy!

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to look more closely at.

flesh out my body from the lightest touch--
According to the rules of grammar, "flesh" should be "fleshes" here. Because the subject is singular, the verb needs to be in present tense. "breath... flesh out" is what you've got here. Watch out for tenses!

and fragile my delicate frame reflects
Take out the first two words in this line. It's repetitive, as delicate and fragile are synonyms. Besides, and doesn't go after a semicolon in the rules of grammar and stuff. :)

colorless beauty
Hang on, didn't you just say that you fashion the sun into rainbows? While the bubble is less colorful than the prism effect that it has on the light, contrasting colorless with a rainbow isn't quite working for me here. Find another word to describe the color of the bubble. Perhaps iridescent?

reaches to touch me;
You use such nice language throughout the poem, and then there is this line. Reaches and touch could be switched out for more descriptive words, and that would fit into the poem a little better than what you've got now.

I'm not feeling the vibes of the punctuation you've got going on in the last stanza. I think it might be better if you changed it a little. Try doing something like this:
and there,
I've burst!
my life's as thin as my shell.

The second line in that stanza didn't have quite enough oomph in it, is all, but keep in mind the power of exclamation marks. They become juvenile very quickly if one uses too many, which is why I simply moved it instead of adding another.

Altogether, I really liked this. It was floaty and fun, and made a nice break in my day. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!






thanks! one thing I'd like to mention: when I wrote 'flesh' I was thinking in context of the plural 'lips', so 'lips flesh' rather than 'lips fleshes'. Should I still change it? I agree with everything else you had to say. I even found a typo I missed early as I went back. wrote this poem laaate last night....xD



magpie says...


Well, lets look at the structure of the sentence. What is the thing that is giving the bubble life? Is it the lips or the breath? Let's see: "breath from tight lips..." And I don't have to go any farther. Because the breath is coming from the lips, the breath is the thing doing the fleshing out. So yes, change it. Though I can see where you're coming from! Sentence structure can be quite confusing sometimes! :) When I took traditional grammar, things like that were always tripping me up.





Ok I see what you mean




This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot