Snap, Crackle and Pop!
Skyscrapers loomed over them, casting shadows over the peculiarly tranquil freeway. Andrew's mother, Meredith, looked at him with her bright eyes, his head against her shoulder and said, “You never told me you going to join the school’s Physics Club. I’m proud of you, Andy.”
“Technically I’m not going to join it,” Andrew said. “At least not yet. But I am interested, and you don’t have to be in it to be able to attend the meetings. In fact, students who aren’t in it are encouraged to go to see all the cool things that they do with the projectors and stuff,” Andrew said, taking his head off of his mom’s shoulder.
“I can’t argue with that. I want you to be as smart as you want,” she said, smiling.
“I love you, mom,” Andrew said, rubbing her back.
“I love you too, my little lamb,” she said.
“Guess you know I’m not a baad kid.”
“Of course no. You’re an amazing son. And I’ll do everything to ensure you stay that way.
Andrew laughed, rubbing her back again. His mom was such a mother goose that it made him angry at times. No matter. She won’t be able to care for anything pretty soon, he thought, scanning the roads for other cars, drones and for any pesky cameras. The nearest cars were several yards away and there weren’t any drones or cameras in sight.
“Oh, Andy, do you need me or your father to pick you up afterward?” his mom asked.
“That won’t be necessary, my friend Sam is going too. He drives, so that covers transportation. Besides, you won’t be driving anymore anyway.”
His mom looked at him, “What do you mean, Andy?”
“Nothing,” he said, counting down the seconds as the car approached an overpass.
“Well,” his mom said, changing the subject, “Now your father and I can really enjoy our afternoons together,” she said giggling.
Andrew winced inside. He hated that his dad was the one who really got his mom’s affections. Sure he had the right to, being the father in the equation, but now that he was around, the only kid that they could legally have his role was kind of as a mom stealer. He bought her all the gifts and won her appreciation meanwhile he was a moneyless kid who could only watch and wish that he could buy her something too. But that would soon change. No one, not even a natural death could take his mom.
“You won’t,” he said as flipped over the lid to the emergency ejection and swiped his hand over it. It glowed red, registering his hand prints as his mom’s due to the 3D printed copy of her prints that he was wearing.
“Andy!” she yelled, struggling to move his hand away from it.
“Love you, mom,” he said as the final second of the sensor registered his mom’s hand, bursting open the car’s roof, launching her seat out of the car, and splattering her beneath the bridge.
“Cracked like a goose,” Andrew said as he peeled off his mom’s prints, shoved them in his shoe and forced stopped the car. And then looking in the rearview mirrors and cameras he forced himself to cry as cars stopped in front of his mom’s body, which was hidden under a parachute. He forced himself to fake cry all the harder as drones swarmed the area like flies.
“Population Update: 4,458,845,623,” came a voice from the car.
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Canary word: Present
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Timmy here
This will be a short review as I don't have a lot of time, but still want to give you a review on this. So let's get started, and see what I can come up with.
You need to end that with a quotation mark.
Allow me to say that the emergency ejection seemed a bit unrealistic. Okay, not in the aspect that it wouldn't work, and that it wouldn't throw the person out of the car. But the reason for an emergency ejection to be in the car at all seems to be Nada. Not there. And if there was an emergency dissection, and it is this high-tech and everything... wouldn't it be pre-programmed into the car to merely do the ejection at the proper time? You know, almost like an airbag, where it feels the impact (or in this case, no doubt with cameras), sees the trouble ahead and gauges the potential accident to tell the car that it would be better and safer for the passenger to be ejected.
And why was his seat not ejected, too? I mean, isn't he a passenger in the car? I would have just assumed that he would be tossed out with his mother, since they are both riding in the same car. So I think you should work on that, and see what you can do. Just seems unrealistic that his mother is tossed out and not him - and yet there was no switch or off button he had to press to stop the emergency eject from doing it to him, too.
So everyone is wearing a parachute now? Seems rather odd, especially since I think it would be weird for everyone to be wearing a parachute. And it leads me to think this aspect of your story unrealistic, because she wasn't saved by her parachute... and they take a while to open, so it would seem rather useless to have one.
All in all, this was interesting and kept my interest. And I hated the main character, because he seemed so petty, like he was trying to find a reason to kill his mother. And I do think that you intended to do that while writing this part, and you achieved my hatred for your character all in one short snippet of a chapter, so yayyy. If that was what you wanted. And his comment after he killed his mom was so... casual, and how he used his mom's prints. Tells me that he has been working up this idea for a while now.
Sorry if my review was short and not really focused on character. I haven't read the other pieces, so I had to go from what I saw here.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hello,
Yeah, I was afraid the ejection procedure would still be weird. Hm. Maybe I could have him explain in his mind briefly that he had corrupted the passenger side ejection mechanism. As for the parachute, it is there because normally the person would be shot a good few feet in the air, but with a bridge overhead, Andrew's mom couldn't really get height, so she took a tremendous impact instead. Hm. Maybe I can also imply that the car has both an auto ejection and a manual one. Auto for things like obstacles and manual for the rare, car goes off rail and starts to plunge off a cliff or into a body of water situation. :/
Thanks for the read and review.
I knew it was coming, but I swear I almost choked! Andrew has some issues...
You may want to say his hands, and also the way this is worded is funky. I get that you're saying Andrew has his hands where the officers can't see them, but the sentence sounds wrong.Anyways, I have some nitpicks for you:
Typos. (And if I'm wrong about the starting, just ignore me.)
When you started into the location and time from the flashback, it might have been better to establish the setting first, using actions or straight out description. Maybe mention the car as well?
Either replace the comma with a period or a semi-colon. Two independent clauses should never be joined by a comma!
Was afternoon meant to be plural? Just asking to make sure.
I am slightly confused as to why Andrew has to put his mom's hand into the ejection compartment... It seems like an odd step for someone exiting a vehicle.
That's all the nitpicks I have. On other notes, I think I'd like to see more description in general from you (already mentioned that elsewhere though).
My last comment is that Andrew could use some explaining. He never seems to think much before taking action, even while he was narrating, which gives no justification for what he does. I think it's important to know why characters do the things they do, and whether that why is explained directly or indirectly is up to you. (Also, I get that he's sort of messed up, but in what ways is he messed up? Is he scared of people? Is it just an insatiable bloodlust?)
Whew... But aside from that, I'm glad you wrote this chapter. I knew something was up with Andrew's past, but it's good to see exactly how it played out.
Keep it up, and I'll be back!
-Buggie
Oh my, it scares me how such simple typos avoid my sight.
Haha. Anyway, hm, I was afraid the driver's hand mechanism would seem odd. I included the inserting hand part because I didn't want to make ejection easy enough to happen by accident. That would be extremely unsafe for a futuristic car. Some could fall asleep behind the wheel and launch themselves out and wake up on someone's roof. 
Anyway, I will brainstorm and see what other method of enabling driver/passenger ejections I can think of. 