Hi lumister.
I was looking for something to review, and I had this open, so I figured, why not?
The title was what originally attracted me to this piece. I loved it even before I saw the poem. That is a delicious title. It struck me in a way I don't quite know how to describe, but it made me feel a pang of emotion very vividly.
This poem is jam-packed with beautiful imagery and symbols. I almost don't know what to do with myself amid all of those pretty pictures you paint. I think, however, that-- in the first stanza at least-- the images aren't quite connected enough to make sense. I understand what's happening with this couple, but for example, you say that they're looking at the sky, and then one says "look at the ice falling on the brooks." Maybe I've got it wrong, but looking at the sky while saying to look at a river is a little strange? I don't quite see the connection. And also the parts with the words and singers... though phrased eloquently, I'm struggling to find their relevance. Actually, wait, I see the connections at the end of the poem. Never mind. But that's a fair way to go before those things connect. Maybe that's a good thing.
I really liked your second stanza. I think I was just waiting for that stanza because of the title. I kind of wish there was more of this star/comet/space/apollo thing in the rest of the poem, but perhaps that would be overkill: You are already talking about the sky in s. 1, and you're talking about the same burning kiss in s. 3. I just think it might be nice to mention Apollo again.Something else you might want to consider (you probably already have), is why did you choose Apollo and Athena? And why did you seem to make "Athena" the narrator? Just kidding, I just read your response to Griff and that's a good enough reason for me.
i praise the gods for your hands, dance among the melting frost
in thought of your voice singing to me.
This was the one little technical thing that bugged me, perhaps because I easily lose track of the subject and I'm bad at comas. I thought the second part of this phrase was a command with the subject of the inferred "you." I might suggest putting an "and" before dance, because that really threw me off when I got to the next line and realized it wasn't the inferred "you." I had to stop and reread it to see where I went wrong, and that's never good.
Strange how that "one line" is actually on two lines.
Anyway, this was beautiful, Lumi. I loved the story and the details that you related so tenderly. It made me hurt inside.
Keep writing, always.
~fortoise
Points: 4984
Reviews: 621
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