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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi lumister.
I was looking for something to review, and I had this open, so I figured, why not?
The title was what originally attracted me to this piece. I loved it even before I saw the poem. That is a delicious title. It struck me in a way I don't quite know how to describe, but it made me feel a pang of emotion very vividly.
This poem is jam-packed with beautiful imagery and symbols. I almost don't know what to do with myself amid all of those pretty pictures you paint. I think, however, that-- in the first stanza at least-- the images aren't quite connected enough to make sense. I understand what's happening with this couple, but for example, you say that they're looking at the sky, and then one says "look at the ice falling on the brooks." Maybe I've got it wrong, but looking at the sky while saying to look at a river is a little strange? I don't quite see the connection.
And also the parts with the words and singers... though phrased eloquently, I'm struggling to find their relevance.Actually, wait, I see the connections at the end of the poem. Never mind. But that's a fair way to go before those things connect. Maybe that's a good thing.I really liked your second stanza. I think I was just waiting for that stanza because of the title. I kind of wish there was more of this star/comet/space/apollo thing in the rest of the poem, but perhaps that would be overkill: You are already talking about the sky in s. 1, and you're talking about the same burning kiss in s. 3. I just think it might be nice to mention Apollo again.
Something else you might want to consider (you probably already have), is why did you choose Apollo and Athena? And why did you seem to make "Athena" the narrator?Just kidding, I just read your response to Griff and that's a good enough reason for me.This was the one little technical thing that bugged me, perhaps because I easily lose track of the subject and I'm bad at comas. I thought the second part of this phrase was a command with the subject of the inferred "you." I might suggest putting an "and" before dance, because that really threw me off when I got to the next line and realized it wasn't the inferred "you." I had to stop and reread it to see where I went wrong, and that's never good.
Strange how that "one line" is actually on two lines.
Anyway, this was beautiful, Lumi. I loved the story and the details that you related so tenderly. It made me hurt inside.
Keep writing, always.
~fortoise
All good points. Yas.
The one thing I can explain for you is that I admittedly left out the hard image that they're on a mountaintop looking at the clouds, hence their ability to watch the clouds and brooks at the same time. In retrospect, it's very whiplashy without the foundation of the mountains. Will edit in the future.
Omg Lumi I love this...
here, have a cookie
*gives cookie and hug*
My eyes twitched at all the lower case "I's." Not fun.
Still, the poem reads well, and I liked how you formatted the poem so it would meander back and forth across the page, like a snowflake coming down. Maybe it was an accident, but if so, it was a good accident.
The use of Apollo and Athena didn't really make sense though. They're not lovers in Greek Mythology. Athena even has the title "Virgin Athena" because she never had consorts or husbands. Aphrodite is a better choice for love interests; although she was paired with Ares.
Overall though, I think it's really pretty; even if it doesn't make a lot of sense on the first read through.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
I chose Apollo for his association with the sun and, by proxy, fire. Athena was a choice based on the prompt I was given by @SparkToFlame: "a girl who lives in the mountains, surrounded by books all the time, muses about her love who sets fire to her heart."
So I connected Athena the wise to Bookworm and went from there. As a plus, her name flows with more beauty than Aphrodite...or anyone who mated off with Apollo.
It's still worth researching, I guess.
Are you sure you're not a god? This is divine.
I can't really criticize this very much, but as we all know, I'm a sucker for imagery.
Though this has a lot of fancy formatting and spacing, this really has three stanzas. Out of the three, the first is the weakest, though it almost has to be because the poem wants to be grounded in reality, I can see that. The transition period is nice, the last two lines of the first stanza really shift the reader's head into imagery mode, but the third to last line isn't quite doing it for me. It's fragmented a bit too much. I want it all to be one line, one quick fast line that runs together, but it's too logical, even for the grounded first stanza.
The last line made me stop. Wouldn't setting fire to the story be a bad thing? But I realized it is more like infusing the story with fire, with passion, the narrator saying that this other person is their muse. I might change the last line a bit, but this is your poem, Lumibear, and you know what you're doing, obvi.
Anyway, this is gorgeous, and I love it. Thank you for sharing it. It made my day better. <3
Oh!
Such a great piece you've written.
I fell in love with your first line
"If this isn't all a dream, i'll leave you kisses in the snow"
every stanza gives a beautiful vibe.
Great writing
Keep up
I want this on my gravestone
10/10 would kiss.