z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 24

by Rook


Chapter 24

~930 words

Jay peered behind him, after getting over the shock of being on Earth again. There was no purple portal on the sidewalk. “How are we going to get home?” Jay asked. But Cabot was too busy craning his neck, trying to see the tops of the buildings. So was Fleta.

“I didn’t end up in a place like this before…” he murmured, awestruck.

Jay could see he would get nothing of use out of Cabot. He noticed the train station down the block a ways. Jay had been to Chicago once before. His mother had wanted to see the sights and to visit relatives. They had taken a plane out to O’hare airport, driven to the suburbs to visit cousins, and then taken a train to see the city. The train station was immediately recognizable, with its glass front spewing surges of people. “Come on,” Jay said pulling on Cabot and Fleta. They stepped forward, as if hypnotized.

When Jay had visited the city before, he had developed a kind of uneasiness about the place. There was a kind of sadness and desperation that clung to the buildings and hung in the air. Perhaps it was the lack of trees, or the fact that no one looked at you except the homeless people who begged for coins. Smoke scented the wind, and while the sidewalks were generally clean, dirt had worked its way into every crack and every corner.

Jay led Cabot and Fleta through the revolving doors of the train station. He located an empty bench and sat them down. Fleta looked like she had seen a ghost playing a flying piano next to a chimpanzee doing calculus with his eyes shut.

Cabot, at least, was finding strength to speak. “It’s not possible,” he moaned. “I came here before and all there was were cornfields. And the second time I came it was snowy. And the third time I was in a forest. Those buildings… they’re monstrous! Obscene! Impossible!”

Jay put a hand on each of their shoulders and waited until they met his eye. “We have to be calm about this,” he said. “There are things in this world that you can’t imagine. It’s a shame we had to land right in the middle of them before I could give you warning, but here we are. It exists, it’s existed for hundreds of years. We just have more technology and more knowledge of science. Pull yourselves together.”

Cabot immediately sat straighter, but a haunted look remained in his eyes. Fleta just set her gaze at the floor and refused to make a noise.

“Now, how do we get home?” Jay demanded.

“Oh, there’s a way, but I will not tell it to you until we get that dagger,” Cabot said.

“That’s another problem. The dagger, if it exists, would probably be found in California—where the movie it was in was filmed. We’re in Chicago, which is halfway across the country.”

“I never said this would be a short trip. I hope you’re wearing shoes suited for much walking?” Cabot glanced down as if he was checking Jay’s shoes.

Jay laughed. “There is no way we’re walking to California. It’s not going to be possible.”

Cabot looked troubled. “Then how will we get there? There isn’t a river that brings us all the way there, is there? And horses… well, they’re a lot more trouble than they’re worth. I can’t abide horses.”

Jay laughed again. “Good luck even finding a horse in Chicago. And no, there’s no river. We’re going to have to fly.”

“Don’t jest with me.” His eyes took on a fiery anger. He yanked Fleta by her hair—at which she yelped—and snarled, “Do not forget that I have the bargaining token: your friend’s life.”

“I’m being serious. We have invented great machines that can travel across countries in just a few hours, flying through the air.”

“Impossible,” Cabot said, but dropped Fleta’s hair. She shot him a nasty look and rubbed her head.

“It’s very possible.”

“Then let’s fly. Let’s go!”

“There’s a problem,” said Jay. “We don’t have any money. From Earth. And everything here is based on it. We can’t fly if we don’t have lots and lots of money.”

“We’ll just sneak into this great flying contraption!” proclaimed Cabot, pounding his chest.

Jay nervously looked around, hoping desperately that they weren’t being noticed. They weren’t. “That won’t work,” he said. “They have intense security procedures on airlines. They won’t let us on unless we pay for it.”

Cabot’s eyebrows knitted together in frustration. He ripped a large pouch from his belt and threw it on the ground with a heavy thud. “Fat lot of good all that will do now.”

Jay picked up the bag, looking into it. Gold and silver orbs winked back at him. If only we could use this money, he thought. Then an idea hit him. “Cabot, are gold orbs really made of gold?”

“Yes,” answered Cabot tersely.

“Well gold is valuable here too. We could probably sell these to a gold-buyer. There seems to be tons of those around recently.”

“What are you waiting for, then? Let’s get some of your earth money!” Cabot roared.

This time when Jay turned around, people were staring. Quite a few of them. He gave a weak smile and a little wave to them. They turned back to whatever they were doing, but Jay could see they were slipping peeks back over their shoulders.

“We’re going to have to be a lot more careful in the future,” said Jay.


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Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:43 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First off, Cabot and Fleta reacted perfectly to being in Chicago. I haven't been in their position before (obviously), but I can kind of relate to it. I live in themiddleofnowherebetweentwofarms country. So the first time I went deep into the city, I was thrown off by all the tall buildings and busy streets. I feel like that's what they're feeling at the moment.

It's really quite funny to see Jay in charge now. He spent so long in that other world following around Shep and trying to find all of these sheep that it's strange seeing him like this. Now he's starting to seem like the hero that you find in most novels. Not that he didn't seem like one before, but now he seems like even more of one. It must be because he's the one in charge at the moment.

I've always been interested in villains. Don't ask me why. So whenever Cabot is in the story, I'm hooked. My main thing about villains is how they react when things aren't going their way. Because they're the main opposition of the protagonist, they usually have the advantage. What protagonist always gets away with everything without being one upped by the villain? None. Which makes the villains usually pretty cocky. Seeing Cabot lose his cool in this new world he's been thrown into is just perfect. Not Jay has the upper hand and can really start manipulating Cabot. I'm excited :3

When Jay had visited the city before, he had developed a kind of uneasiness about the place. There was a kind of sadness and desperation that clung to the buildings and hung in the air.

Deanie already pointed this out so I'm just going to expand on what she said. The "kind of" throws me off a bit. Either he developed an uneasiness or not. There was either sadness and desperation or not. I guess I'm just looking for some more straightforward descriptions.

This is just a small thing, but what was the train station like on the inside? And how did Cabot and Fleta react to it? I understand that there shouldn't be a lot of time spent on something like that so the story can move forward, but I feel like that's something that would be something to mention. Obviously the train station looks a lot different than the buildings and crowded streets. Do they feel safer in this building? Does it overwhelm them even more? Just a little more information that would help us understand the characters a bit more.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun Sep 14, 2014 6:47 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fortis!

Ooh what a nice chapter. I guess Jay is just planning to help Cabot get what he wants? I remember he was thinking about a plan to get out of this situation but we never heard what it was. I hope he is still bearing it in mind. And even though I did mention this in my previous review, I am still not sure how harmful it is having Cabot in this world. I don't really think it is that harmful at... all?

How lucky they ended up in Chicago this time xD They could've ended up in some completely different continent! What I have to say about your writing for this chapter was that it was very well done. I liked your descriptions in here and I think you did a good job of showing us what Chicago looked like and why Jay managed to recognize it before. I did have a bit of problem with the realism but I am going to mention it later on. I also really like the touch of having them all a bit shocked. It could only be expected if they stopped into this new world of sounds and movement and all this new technology!

Jay peered behind him, after getting over the shock of being on Earth again.


Hm, I feel like peered behind him is the wrong word to use. Sure, if you peer for something I always imagine it as something small that you are scanning the area for. I am sure a portal is something much larger. So how about looked, glanced, or have his eyes widen in shock when he realizes the portal is no longer there?

Jay could see he would get nothing of use out of Cabot.


This sentence seems a bit wordy when you could simply say, 'Jay could see he would get nothing useful out of Cabot.' Too many small words in a row makes the reader stumble over the words.

he had developed a kind of uneasiness about the place. There was a kind of sadness and desperation that clung to the buildings and hung in the air.


It's a small repetition, but you have 'kind of' close together here. How about starting the second sentence with something like 'There seemed to be a type of sadness and desperation...' or you could even replace one of those kind of's with a sort of.

He yanked Fleta by her hair—at which she yelped—and snarled


Wait a second, there is a lot of people in this train station and yet no one is realizing that this girl is being hurt and tormented? That doesn't seem right to me? I am not from America so I don't know what does and doesn't get noticed on the streets. But because you have her yelping as a reaction I do find it a bit iffy that no one has said anything about it, or noticed it.

“Well gold is valuable here too.


Comma after the first word.

Hm, I wonder why the people are staring at the end. In a busy place like America, I am sure everyone is speaking and going about their own business. Which means they wouldn't be listening to other people's conversations, which means the subject of discussion couldn't possibly be why people were staring. It could be because Cabot was speaking loudly. It could be because Cabot and Fleta's other world clothing is strange and different from earth's clothing. But I want to know the reason as to why people have suddenly stopped!

Otherwise, I can't think of anything else worth mentioning that other people haven't picked up on already! Looking forward to your next chapter ^.^

Deanie x




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Wed Sep 10, 2014 1:13 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

So in this chapter, they see a city.... I like how everything was different from what Cabot expected, and so it seems as though Earth travels in a different kind of time than the... other place does. I found that really neat, because it adds one more element to the plot. What will happen when he goes back to his home, if he does, to see his parents? Will time have flown by so much that they won't be alive? What is the difference with the time? I mean, is it enough faster to make it so that they are now in the future, or is it just somewhat faster? If Cabot visited Earth a while back, and there was no city, then time must move by a lot faster, like a lot faster, on Earth. Unless... wait. How old is Cabot? Is he just a normal person as far as age goes, like Jay, or does he age a bit differently than him? You don't have to answer these questions in this chapter, just giving you a few things that need to be answered as you go along. So it would be good to have a few answered sooooon.

Jay asked. But Cabot was too busy craning his neck, trying to see the tops of the buildings.


Technically, these sentences could be joined together to omit that fragment. When writing, you should usually try to keep out as many fragments as possible, not because it's not the proper way of doing it, but because you use fragments almost like one uses an Em-dash (--). It has a sort of boom! effect when you write it, and if you use it all the time, then it loses that. Not saying you do use it all the time. Just flaring up my little warning sign for future reference.

It exists, and it’s existed for hundreds of years.


Consider adding in bolded word?

!” proclaimed Cabot, pounding his chest.


So far from what I have seen of Cabot, he doesn't seem like the sort of person that would do this. I mean, he doesn't seem like the kind of person that would pound his chest like he is some small gorilla and proclaim to the heavens that it's possible. He seems more like a guy of finesse so far, to me. A guy that uses his mind to solve his problems, rather than relying on brawn. So the first part of that sentence - where he is talking, ya know? - worked out perfectly fine, because he wasn't talking about pounding people to pieces or anything, but using their minds to sneak (key word) aboard the ship.

He yanked Fleta by her hair—at which she yelped—and snarled


I know that the formatting is correct here and everything, but I still read it differently than intended the first time around. The first time, I read it as at which she yelped and snarled. and I know that wasn't what you meant. So I dunno. Work with the wordage to change the confused meaning?

So it seems as though they will be going to a gold broker or someone similar to get money for the plane flight... but it may be a bigger deal than Jay realizes. I don't know how they work, or if the gold brokers just hand over a couple thousand dollars in cash over a counter, or if it takes a couple of days for the transaction. I know one thing will be weird: Jay walking in to some place, holding some obviously foreign currency... except they won't be able to place it. Maybe they're just trinkets? Pretty expensive trinkets, seeing that gold is worth almost two thousand dollars an ounce these days (It may have gone down... prices are constantly shifting). But Jay seems very confident that they will work, and he seems to know what he is doing there, so let's see!

We saw a different side of Cabot in this chapter... the wild side. Most of the time, while in a situation, Cabot thinks and talks differently, of course... but not in a big loud voice, screaming to the world in an El Macho way, pounding his chest. I wonder if he was being out of character because of the wildness of the trip and the sudden realization of Chicago, or if there is something else going on in his head. Fleta is a different nut altogether. I don't know what she is thinking much, or saying, because you have kind of dropped her out of the picture mostly for this chapter. I would have liked to see a couple things from her, predominantly more of her surprise when she saw Chicago. She is probably in a permanent state of awe walking through the city... and yet we don't really see anything from her, except like one small sentence stating so, and nothing else. Perhaps you could implement a bit more of that? Also, it's vital that you don't leave her out of the conversation, and the chapter, as well. You have three characters, so it would be kind of difficult to have all three of them conversing at one time, but you need to have a place for Fleta while Jay and Cabot are talking, and pulling her in by her hair for a brief moment isn't quite enough. Perhaps Cabot shoves her down onto a park bench. Okay, character taken care of for now. She is mentally sitting down on the bench, quiet and serene (well, maybe not so serene. It's Fleta, after all!). So you need to have a place for her, while Jay and Cabot are talking, because she doesn't seem like the person that would just stand there... doing nothing. Meanwhile, both of them are blabbing around her, and she is keeping silent the entire time? Doesn't sound like her.

Anyway, there are a couple thoughts of mine. Hope they help somewhat. This was one of the best chapters yet. They just keep getting better and better.
~Darth Timmyjake




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Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:05 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Goodness, Chicago huh? I feel like you mentioned it during a chat or something.

Well, onto the review! Before I begin, I have two nitpicks for you.

I came here before and all there was were cornfields.
This sentence isn't wrong, but it does read a little funny. I'd avoid that 'was were' thing, if possible.
There seems to be tons of those around recently.
Should just be 'seem', and then 'them' instead of 'those', since that just sounds better.

Now then, over all, I feel like the emotions of the characters either aren't really suited to the situation, or they are understated. Like Cabot's reaction to the buildings. I think most people would sound at least shaken up, but you simply use the word 'moaned', which doesn't do his shock justice. Fleta is especially left out, and Jay doesn't seem as worried about anything as I think most people in the situation would be. He hasn't struck me as especially ignorant about people either, so there's no justification.

On a better note, your physical description is as lovely as always. I suppose that's what comes of being a poet, hmm? It's very easy to picture.

Well, that's it from me today! I look forward to seeing Fleta and Cabot fly!
Ciao!




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Sun Sep 07, 2014 11:26 pm
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kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hey, Fortis! Here to review yet again!

Cabot isn't really paying all that much attention to his prisoners, but then again, he does have the threat of Shep and the trolls being stuck forever looming over their heads. Still, I seem to remember something about Fleta being nimble-perhaps nimble enough to get the sticks out of Cabot's pockets.

Having fun with Jay's knowledge of the real world over Fleta and Cabot? Seriously, Cabot seems a bit out of character in this chapter. Even if he's flustered or thrown off by Chicago, it really is a bad idea to reveal that to his prisoners, and he's smart enough to know that and hide his discomfort.

You know, I'd actually find it really funny if someone called the police on Cabot.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say about this chapter-it is good, even with Cabot's weirdness.





GET ON IT PEEPS
— Nate