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Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

Needle

by Spenser


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

1

Needle was sitting with his back against the wall, puncturing holes in a plastic bottle with one of the many needles he kept hidden on his person.

He was sitting on one end of a room, commonly referred to by rafter children as a stock maze. It was called this because, the Pipes and stocks that supplied air to all of the station met in that room, and three others like it, criss crossing, and leaving just enough room to walk between. The engineers that were supposed to maintain the pipes and stocks came in only so often.

The stock maze made perfect headquarters.

Fain, Needles second in command slipped under a pipe. Came and sat down beside him.

“You look sad boss.” She said putting one hand around his shoulder.

“I always look sad Fain, its part of the rafter bastard disguise.” He pricked one last time through the bottle, let the needle fall down his sleeve. Then turned and kissed her.

Five seconds or so in to the kiss she pulled away, “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” She said, letting a short laugh escape her lips.

“It’s time,” she said finally. Needle sighed at that, “Well I guess we better get going then.” He stuck the bottle in to a pocket and started toward a path leading to the mess hall.

2

Fain was standing with Needle in the middle of the mess under a projected message. It read, “YOU THINK YOURSELF A GENIUES, WELL THEN TRY YOUR SMARTS AGAINST A KID, AND IF FOURTINE IS WITH YOU, YOUR POCKETS MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT HEAVYER AFTER WARDS”

Needle had placed the bottle on a table in front of them, and was sticking needles in to each of the holes.

“You think anyone will be able to get this?” Fain said, scanning the crowd of people around them.

When Needle finished making the bottle in to a pin cushion, he gave Fain a nod and she started shouting. “Step right up, the master of Needles has concaughted a challenge.”

It took only a few minutes for the first contender to come up.

“Hello again Lt Hilton, you look as fine as ever” Fain said before launching into another round of shouts.

“So, what’s the game this time?” Hilton asked eyeing the bottle.

“How many pins do you have to take out of the equation for the whole thing to fall apart?” Needle said and tapped the cap of the bottle.

“Am I supposed to pull them out” Hilton asked.

“You can if you want, but be advised the can Is full of fuel concentrate” Needle said.

“Where in god’s name does a rafter bastard come up with something like that?” Hilton said.

“It took all of my children three months, to find enough, by searching the derailed pipes”

“I am going to say fifty.”

A kid wearing tatters not to different from Needles bumped in to Lt Hilton. There goes an entire day’s work, “Correct!” he called. Surprise flushed on Hiltons face, so much so that he didn’t notice the kid.

Needle flicked his eyes at the kid, Fain saw, withdrew from the table and went after him.

After giving Hilton his prize Needle followed.

3

“Stench, my name is Stench.” The kid all but shrieked.

“Well Stench, let me give you one piece of advice.” Needle padded him down until he found it. “Stealing one of these,” he held up Lt Hiltons wallet “doesn’t get you put in the brig.” Needle threw the wallet at Stench. “IT GETS YOU KILLED.” Fain picked the wallet up, “I am going to get this back to its owner.” And then she was off. 


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User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 1576
Reviews: 13

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Sun Sep 07, 2014 9:14 am
mitzeee wrote a review...



Heyy! Okay so to start off, from what I have read this sounds like it will be a good book - there wasn't really a plot as such yet, but it could become something fascinating, with the main characters living in the gutters and stuff. But just as Cailey said, this story is at the beginning stage.

The whole story sort of lacks a setting. At the start you did loosely explain where Needle was, but in order to keep an audience captivated, you need to expand on place he is in so the reader can get engrossed in the book and start imagining the scene. Things like, Who else is there? What's the atmosphere like? Is it clean or grotty? How does he feel? etc. etc.

Secondly, you need a little bit of work on your grammar. A lot of the time it was hard to understand what the actual plot was, or in fact what was going on. This is probably due to lack of description as well as sentence structuring and spelling errors. You just need to clean up certain paragraphs and make sure you add a lot of detail so we can fully understand what your trying to portray.

Lastly, just simple punctuation issues. You seem to be a comma lover! I've seen many people overuse comma's, and that is what your doing, but it's easily fixed. Just scan through and see if the sentence really needs a comma in a certain place. An easy one would be a comma before an 'and'. It's not needed.

However, apart from some of these issues, this could become a really good book. Just make sure you have an idea of a plot, then really show off by including loads of detail and scene setting. Good luck! (:



Random avatar
Spenser says...


First of all.
Thank you!
For past year or so I've been telling myself I m not good enough to get back to work at this.
But I'm gonna do just that. So your comments are greatly appreciated.
There is just one thing, English is not my first language. And this story was written back when I didn't have that great Handel on the language.
Sorry if that sounded like I was whining.
Anyways. Thanks again
All the best Spense



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413 Reviews


Points: 11009
Reviews: 413

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Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:17 am
Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there! Cailey here with a review.

Green Room was super full and I haven't done a review in a while, so I decided to drop by and review this. The title caught my attention, and I liked that it was also the character's name.

I love the story idea for this. There's something about orphans and children fending for themselves that I really like. I also love the picture of the rafters and pipes, it's just such a neat setting for a story.

However, I think this story is definitely in the beginning stage. I am sure that either in classes or in previous writing or from being on this site you've heard the famous Show don't Tell. Basically, what I think would really help this piece is if you add some more detail. You have intriguing characters and a great setting, so add tons more description. I couldn't tell a lot about the plot of this, but I think you have room to expand and make this into a longer story.

Also, the third part was just very obviously incomplete. I'd suggest just taking it out and working on the first two parts a bit before you go add that one in.

Finally, more character development and more explanation. I was really confused about what the actual competition was. Part of this was because of some grammar and spelling errors, part was just not quite enough description. And I think that Fain is going to be a really really interesting character, in fact I really like that she asks Needle not to kiss her. I think that's going to be such a cool twist in the story.

Anyway, I hope this helps, good beginning but definitely needs some work.
Cheers, happy writing,
Cailey



Random avatar
Spenser says...


Thank you for the kind words, they mean a lot!
This story has been collecting dust in my "get to work" folder for about a year. But I'm in the stages of convincing myself that I can still write this.

Anyways thanks again.
All the best
Spense



Cailey says...


Well I think maybe this is worth a shot at going back to. And since it's been that long maybe just start over completely, using the same idea and characters, but restart the writing part of it.




You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer