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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Joshuapaul, I see you're not too new here.
Well, Happy Fake Review Day!
I noticed that in "wascool" you need a space between them.
"My brother wascool..."
And you have absolutely no reason for a space between "eye" and "brows".
"Eye brows raised."
I basically have no idea what the concept is about, so please clear it up. Work on spacings, and good evening to you!
-wisegirl22
Uh... I have no idea what happened there, but it's gotta be pretty serious.
something is just wrong with the adjective 'small'. It doesn't really describe the chat; are they speaking quietly? Awkwardly? Is it small talk?Anyways, since I want to save the overall comments for the end, I'll go straight to the little things.
First off: two typos. The first is in the first paragraph, and (oh, how interesting!) the second is in the second paragraph. They should be easy to find, so I'll let you take care of that.
This should be present tense...
I totally understand if it's a stylistic thing, but there should be an 'and' before 'then'.
And as my last little comment, while it is perfectly acceptable to insult band people in literature, please watch yourself from now on, because I am a trombone player, and we are ruthless people who can empty spit valves over people's heads. (Sorry! I couldn't help sneaking that in!)
Now I get to do the fun part.
On the not-as-great side, I'll have to call you out on sentence structure. There are a few instances where you really ought to use a comma instead of a period, because dependent clauses look so weird when they're by themselves. I mean, I get it if you want them separate, but it's still a guideline, so I can point it out.
But on the really awesome side, the tone and attitude of this piece is great! I love the way the narrator describes things, and the oddness of his character is already shining through. (Like, 'meatbag legs'? Brilliant.) Everything feels very straightforward, but the poetic devices are so there. It's incredible.
As for plot, uh, yes you did awesome. This was really short, but like any good first-glimpse, you've got a reader hooked! It'll be interesting to see what direction the piece goes in, especially since there are so many paths left open.
Thanks for the cool read,
-Bug