Young Writers Society

Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.

You did a great job with this essay. Quite inspiring, as a matter of fact. Though, I find (again) this essay to not be an essay but a speech. It would be the best speech for peace, if it were called a speech. If only there were an option in categorizing for speeches. XD You may have explained why I barely have any enemies. I always wondered why I would be friends with someone that my friends didn't like and I would find that, that person had made a mistake and my friends were stubborn and didn't want to forgive them. I am very forgiving(thanks to church) and if someone hits my funny bones(it's not funny), I may curse the world for a second and see that it was an accident. I truly believe in your philosophy in this essay. Your spelling and grammar is great. This always makes a piece of writing more enjoyable. Thank you for that. Your organization is pretty good. The story paragraph seems a bit big to me though, maybe break it up into a few pieces? That would make it not seem as overwhelming(if it ever did to anyone XD). I feel like you should quote where the legend was from, that would help me a little more to refer to it. Overall, great job with this piece. Have a nice review day. Keep calm and keep writing!

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I like how you opened the essay. The whole first paragraph really drew me in. The wording of it, and everything. I may be wrong (pretty sure I'm not), but there should be a comma after "As legends usually say" since there's a quotation. For the last sentence, I'm pretty sure the proper punctuation would be a colon instead of a period.
Second paragraph! I think that first sentence should have been worded differently. Perhaps, "There once lived a man in a village." Instead of "There lived once a man in a village." I don't believe you needed add (let us call him John). I always assume when I'm reading an essay that the name have been changed. You have a few short sentences here that I think would be better if you combined them. How did your teacher know that the man passing by John's house was a very rich man? Was the car really expensive, was he in a limo? "he threw stones on that man's car". I think that might sound better if "on" was "at" instead.
Why did your teacher stop where there was a man with a gun? He could have gotten shot too! Did he not call the police? This very rich man seems to be a little shallow. First he has a gone and is about to shoot John for breaking his window, and then he forgives him after an apology?
"My teacher asked him that why he is crying now; everything is settled." I'm...confused by the sentence...I'm not exactly sure....I think you may have accidentally added "that". It throws the sentence way off.

The last two paragraphs are good and I can spot no grammatical errors so I shall talk about how I feel about this essay as a whole.
I'm the type of person that sorry doesn't fix everything. Perhaps if the person truly means it, it might help. But, what about when they apologize, but do it again and again? Do you just keep forgiving? To me, that sounds like you're becoming a door mat for the world.
I'm the type of person who actions speak louder to words. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry". I want to see that the person is by trying their best to fix it. Yeah, an apology sometimes help, but not always.

Well, that's it for me! Your friendly, neighborhood NafaKitty is out!

Hello Chips here with a review. Welcome to YWS too, hope you're settling in well so far.

Well, you have a lovely message of forgiveness centering around your essay. The positivity was great to see. I like how you gave an example of a story your teacher told you to help support your statements on the goodness of forgiveness. I also liked how it was spiritual but not overbearing, it didn't turn into a whole religious essay but kept the teaching of forgiveness evident.

However, I do have some suggestions which may help improve your essay even more.

"The key to live peacefully is to seek forgiveness and to forgive others. Sometimes others become angry with us, and our ego does not let us seek forgiveness from them."

This was a nice opening but it would be even better if you gave some examples of why people get angry at others and the extents. Also what makes it so difficult for some people to forgive.

"As legends usually say "Life is just a mirror"; What we do unto others, is what others do unto us! We fail to understand this and try to be smart."

The term, "As legends" is slightly unreliable, you should name who you're quoting in an essay, a "legend" could be completely anyone irrelevant. I didn't see the need for the exclamation point after, "us", I would usually avoid them in essays as they could come off as informal.

"Here is a true story narrated by my great teacher."

In this line, I would just rephrase the wording to sound more formal. Perhaps, *Here is a real life example of forgiveness, narrated by my honorable teacher*, Something along those lines.

I understand that your teacher narrated the story, but speaking it and writing it are two different things. When writing, it has to be written well so don't lose the punctuation and grammar aspect of it.

"There lived once a man in a village (let us call him John)."

Here, the grammar was a bit off and it sounded too story-like. Maybe slightly rephrasing it to, *A man called John lived in a village*, short and to the point. You can keep the bracket there for context sake.

Although the story was nice, it seemed like it took up majority of your essay. After the story paragraph your could have written an analysis of it, showing where the root of an unforgiving nature came from, in relation to the story and in general. You could have also commented on how not forgiving can lead to grudges that last even till death. In reference to this line:

He said "If I knew that seeking forgiveness can settle everything; my father would not have died without forgiving me."

You could have asked rhetorical questions for the reader to really think about and to agree with your viewpoint on forgiveness. Especially in reference to this line here:

"He got out of his car, with a gun, and was about to shoot him. John got scared."

Here, the question could have been, *Does fear drive people to forgiveness?* Something along those lines.

I also felt that you could have had a much stronger conclusion. It was repetitive and needed a more detailed overview, with perhaps an ending question.

"Give it a try; believe me, it is worth it."

This line was getting personal and informal. I think that the reader would only "believe" you here if you gave a convincing statement to support the story.

"So we should make a habit of forgiving others before they admit their mistake; and seek forgiveness, before any claim. This will make us live peacefully and happily ever after."

The first line here sounded a bit repetitive. I would suggest to never end an essay with the words, "happily ever after". It's very informal and story-like, implying your essay isn't completely realistic.

Overall this essay has plenty of potential, it was a good topic. Just look over it a bit more and you should be on your way to improving it well. Hope this review was of help to you. Keep writing!

--Chippy

so true buddy . i mean what you've written is totally true .
it's clean of mistakes (and that's cool).
keep up the good work i am eager to read your next work.