Hi, HopelessRealist! Captain of Team Plasma here to deliver a review in this Pokemon-themed review day. This piece is unlike any of the pieces I've ever read, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
I've quotes snippets from your piece, and I'm going to break it down to a few categories: tone, grammar, and relevancy to the thesis/topic sentence. Seeing as you're quite professional and a realist, I may be on the blunt side of things, so apologies in advance. Reviews are simply critiques to help the writer, after all. So let's get started.
I often believe that you other humans lack a similar intelligence to me, in fact that is wrong.
Always, always avoid the dreaded second-person "you" whenever possible. It's a common mistake in writing, and there is a beam of falsehood in every sentence with the subject as you.
In addition, the "you other humans" seems demoralizing, like there are two categories: other humans and non-humans. If the reader is reading this piece, they're most likely 100% human just like you. This is a minor red herring ad hominem fallacy, which is a personal attack that attacks the arguer rather than the argument.
you know them better as Twitter and Facebook
Another sentence with "you" as the subject.
FIRST PARAGRAPH
The first paragraph is the most important in any kind of writing, whether it be in prose or essays. It contains the hook that is essentially the "make-or-break" since the reader can choose to stop reading if he/she finds it too boring. However, specifically in an article or essay, the first paragraph also contains a thesis. The thesis, as you might already know, is the one-sentence summary of what the article is all about.
I'm not picking up a strong vibe out of the first paragraph. The hook was weak since it centers around you without a link that the reader can relate to, and the whole paragraph seemed like a ramble. Make it interesting; ask yourself, "If I was a reader and I didn't know me, would they keep on reading?" In addition, the thesis was hard to place. In fact, I'm unsure if it's even there, but perhaps it's, "No, it is the younger generations that I have given up hope with"?
(If you are a child reading this below or of the age of 16 then take no personal offence from this, I just despise brats such as yourself).
First off, if the number is three words of less, type it out so it spells sixteen.
Second, the parentheses are distracting and take the reader out of the mood. I advise to remove it altogether or reword so it fits into the paragraph nicely.
Third, the sentence is ironic and contradictory. The topic sentence was that everyone that is sixteen or under must go; how are they not going to be offended? To say that they should "take no personal offense" in insulting and antithetical.
Fourth, you once again used the red herring/argumentum ad hominem fallacy where you attack younger readers with "brats such as yourself." It's out of place and makes you look incredibly unprofessional. Never, ever use personal attacks in essays or articles.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
The topic sentence is acceptable; you want to wipe out the people sixteen and under. Okay, sure, the sentence is strong, and it's going to take a lot to convince the readers, but...there were no supporting details. It was a hit-and-run; you made a big remark and had no details to prove your point. Don't just tell me; tell me why you want them wiped out. All there is in that paragraph is the topic sentence saying you want them exterminated, another sentence about the age range, an ironic sentence in parentheses, and then your own personal story of an adult brain. There are no supporting details at all, which weakens your thesis.
'rage quit' (gamer reference)
If you bring up the fact that you've lived your life in maturity with an adult brain, then keep the professional tone and don't bring up "childish" themes such as games. Keep the tone consistent.
Nevertheless,younger generations below my own have really let the human race down, and if there was ever a time for the world to 'rage quit,' (gamer reference) then it would most likely be very soon if not now.
Grammar check, which I added above. There needs to be more commas. Nevertheless isn't necessary either, and the whole paragraph can be merged with the one above.
In face
Typo.
THIRD PARAGRAPH
The topic sentence was that younger generations have let everyone down, but the corresponding sentence seems very out of place. It's not the younger generation's fault that Gangnam style was released, nor was the whole 2012 facade mainly targeting the younger generation. Stay on topic.
FOURTH PARAGRAPH: Therefore we now come back to my original topic of the piece (finally) ...
You're supposed to stay on the original topic the whole time. Never take irrelevant tangents in an article. After all—and this is ironic—most of the younger generation does that. :p
... people who have inspired me to be and become who I am today and who I shall be in the future.
Time out. Is this the original topic of the piece? As the reader, I interpreted your thesis as exterminating the younger generation. Perhaps you can make your thesis more clear.
Where can we start with Oscar Wilde?
Not needed.
With sensational works such as The Picture of Dorian Gray and Lady Windermere's Fan he conveys a perfectly imperfect society in the Victorian Era in England and uses the most sumptuous of epigrams and literacy techniques to delve into the beauty, sentiment and complexity of literature.
This is a good sentence; it's on topic and conveys a professional tone.
I dedicate to you Mr Wilde!
There is only one Mr. Wilde, so stay consistent in a universal tone for the audience. It's an easy fix; simply remove the you.
*winces eyes and clenches teeth* Oooh ...
Unprofessional and takes me out of the mood. Probably best to remove or reword into literary text.
He beat Trotsky to the leadership seat against all odds post Lenin and so for me his undoubted determination and fearless conviction to save Russia and to make it into one of the world's most powerful states can only be admired.
This is a run-on. Add punctuation or break it down.
I would guarantee every reader any money that you do not know this man and unfortunately it is your loss.
That's not quite how you start a topic sentence. Perhaps, "Although he is not as famous for his work, he was and still is ..." Stay unbiased.
Mr Asch, the title he was handed as a school teacher, was and remains to be the funniest and most incredibly strange man I have and most probably will ever meet.
"he was and is/will..."
There are countless of times when there's a situation where you say, "he is and will always be" or (taken from above) "was and remains to be." I get what you're trying to say, and I totally understand, but it's getting predictable. It's also lost it's punch since I've read variants of that so many times, so use them sparingly.
FIFTH PARAGRAPH: That is all I have time for right now, by this I mean I am running out of things to say and my fingers may be hanging off by the skin.
This is a bit of a ramble. Topic sentences relate to the thesis, so stay relevant—paragraph or topic. The whole paragraph is like a, "Come back soon!" gimmick. Always, always follow the thesis—otherwise it is not an article, and I would suggest the 'Other' category instead.
Here is a link of fallacies in case you are interested.
Fallacies
Wikipedia List of Fallacies
That's all for now. PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Carina
Points: 10085
Reviews: 147
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