z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

A War With No End Chapter 4

by ANADIR


One would expect the rebel hideout to be a little more… discrete? I was expecting a tunnel or trapdoor entrance. Maybe a fortress if they wanted to make a point, but I was not expecting a house.

The rebel hideout Hamburger King sent us to was a simple two story house. I could vaguely hear the sounds of two people arguing, but they didn’t really sound angry.

“Lilly, are you sure this is the right place?” I asked.

She nodded, and handed me the map. “Check for yourself if you want to. Let’s blow this place into the next world.”

I shook my head. “No way! These are just normal people! We shouldn’t be doing this! Just listen to them speaking. How can you heartlessly kill them for no reason?”

Lilly made eye contact with me, and for the first time, I noticed how cold her brown eyes were. A shiver went down my back, and I instinctively took a step backwards. “Are you intending to betray the Pisces Empire, Jinx?”

I grimaced. “No, but…”

She reached into her vest and pulled out a little gray ball. She rotated it around in her hands, and went to pull something off of it. I realized it was a grenade to late, and she hurled it at the house. The weapon smacked into the door and stuck there. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a dud.

Lilly shrugged. “That was my only grenade.”

“So can we go now? We can tell the king to go screw himself.”

Lilly nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”

We both turned around and headed away from the house. We were about halfway to the palace when Lilly suddenly stopped. I turned to her, frowning, and she held up a finger for me to wait. She reached into her coat and pulled out a little remote. I stared at it incomprehensively, and she pressed a button on it. A moment later, a mushroom cloud rose into the air behind us, and a wave of sound blasted me of my feet.

She pulled two wax earplugs out, and tossed them on the ground. “There. The job is finished.”

My ears were ringing, and my vision was flickering with black. She glanced at me, and rolled her eyes. “You got nailed in the back of the head with a piece of debris. Idiot.”

I felt a flame rising in my chest. “You monster! You killed them! You killed them for no reason, and you lied to me!”

She spat on the ground in front of me. “Come back when I care. War isn’t for babies, so don’t be a coward.”

I wrapped my right hand around my pendant, and a warm thrum of power rushed through me. My eyes narrowed. In a swift movement, I lifted the pendant and threw it onto the ground. Flames erupted along my right arm, and I lunged forward. Lilly easily dodged my punch, and kicked me in the back.

I tumbled forward, and fell face first into the ground. She planted her boot on my back, and pressed my face into the ground. “The only reason I haven’t killed you yet is because the Pisces Empire needs someone to get an army, and you fit. Got that, worm?”

The flames on my arm leapt upwards, and she yelped. She jumped off of me, and I got to my feet. I placed my arm on the ground, and let the energy travel out of it. The flames on my arm died, and a spear of flame shot up from the ground and shot through Lilly’s leg.

I pulled my energy dagger from my pocket, and the blade shimmered to life. I jumped forward, and pressed it to her neck. “The only reason I haven’t killed you yet is because I’m not a murderer like you are.” I hissed, and shoved her in the back.

She stumbled onto her injured leg, and fell onto the ground. I turned the dagger off and slipped it into my pocket. Lilly rolled over, and stared at me. “You’re an idealistic fool.”

“You’re a murdering devil.”

She grimaced, and pulled a bandage out of her shirt and wrapped the wound. “The fire sealed the wound, so you won’t die of blood loss.” I said.

She raised an eyebrow. “How do you know about that? You said you don’t like fighting, yet here you are knowing about it.”

I shrugged. “I’m fine with helping people, just not the causing them to need help part.”

The steady thrum of running alerted me to another’s presence as a guard ran up to us. “How goes the termination of the rebels? The Lord King Hamburger saw the explosion and sent me to find out what was going on.”

I smirked a little. “The rebels are dead. Bring us to Hamburger.”

The guard nodded. “Can your partner move on her own?”

Lilly nodded. “Just give me a stick.”

The guard took his weapon off of his back and emptied it into the sky. He tossed her the used weapon. “Will that work?”

Lilly nodded. “Yeah, this will be fine. Thank you.”

My eyes narrowed, and I jumped behind the guard, turning my Energy Dagger on. I pressed it to his throat. “Tell them to come out.”

“Wh-what? What are you talking about?” He stuttered.

I kept silent, and he sighed. “Come out.”

Several other guards came out of the bushes along the road. “How did you know?” He asked.

“You were kind. The guards that the Hamburger King had were brutal. They would have told Lilly to walk on her own. Or they would have shot her to put her out of her pain. You’re rebels, aren’t you?”

One of the rebels nodded. “Right you are. I assume you see our problem with ya? You just blew our base to hell and took two of our friends with it.”

I turned off the dagger, and pushed the rebel away. “You guys have to leave now. Lilly will attack you the second she can pull her pistol.”

Sure enough, Lilly was struggling with the weapon. “Run!” I snapped.

They hesitated for a moment, and one went to pull his own weapon. I chucked a rock at him, and it whizzed by his head. It smashed the sights on his gun, and he dropped it in surprise. I glared at them, and they all turned and ran.

“Whew. I got lucky there. I guess those days of throwing paperweights at people helped out after all.

Lilly tossed me my pendant, and I slipped it back on. “You only threw a paperweight at someone one time.”

I shrugged. “Let’s go get the darn troops from that fat cow and get out of here.”

She nodded. “I can agree with you there.”

She picked the empty weapon up from where she had dropped it when she had gone to draw her pistol, and leaned on it. Then we stumbled slowly towards the castle looming in the distance. 


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Tue Aug 12, 2014 12:54 am
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hi!

“Whew. I got lucky there. I guess those days of throwing paperweights at people helped out after all.


This needs quotations on both ends.

General:
Did Lilly know she was supposed to push the remote, or did she forget...? I don't really understand what happened there.
Also, why would the rebel troops turn and run just because he had a rock? They all had guns, they could have easily taken him out if they wanted to. And no, if someone had chucked a rock and hit the sight on my rifle without trying, I wouldn't run. I'd probably be like, "You try that again, and I shoot." :/
Finally, is Lilly that short? Or is the weapon super long? Because otherwise it probably wouldn't have worked.

Overall, a decent chapter. Onto the next!

HopelessAbandon

P.S. Sorry if you find this harsh! I'm not intending to be, I'm just hard on things I think have a lot of potential. :)




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Sat Aug 09, 2014 9:31 pm
turtlethatroars wrote a review...



Hey! So, I'm finally here to review this! Sorry it too me so long to get to it!

Suggestion

I realized it was a grenade to late
I believe this should say "I realized it was a grenade too late". You just need to add another "o" to the "to".
I turned to her, frowning, and she held up a finger for me to wait.
Instead of saying she held up a finger for him to wait, it would be more dramatic if you worded it somewhat differently. Saying: she held up a finger, signally me to wait.
and a wave of sound blasted me of my feet.
I think you mean "off my feet" not "of my feet".
“Whew. I got lucky there. I guess those days of throwing paperweights at people helped out after all.
You missed the quotation marks at the end of this sentence.

These are only suggestions, you don't have to use them but I personally think they will help with this chapter. :)

Lovely Things
Flames erupted along my right arm, and I lunged forward. Lilly easily dodged my punch, and kicked me in the back.
This was kinda funny. It shows how he really isn't great at fighting. I mean we kinda got that picture in the first chapter with the salami and such but I like how you keep touching on that.
Several other guards came out of the bushes along the road.
Even though I should have, I wasn't expecting the rebels to come. I should have seen that coming but I didn't! You've done well! Haha. :D
“Whew. I got lucky there. I guess those days of throwing paperweights at people helped out after all.
This part here also amuses me. Not to mention she corrects him about how that was only once. :)

An Overview
So my overall impression of this was a good one. It was funny, and serious at the same time. There wasn't much to it. I'd call it a "filler chapter" because it's simply there to move the plot along and it works. :) It was also nice to see how he can use his fire to fight! Good work!

Keep writing,
tkpejb




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:44 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I have not read any previous parts and am going to comment exclusively on what I see in this chapter.

Firstly, your dialogue punctuation. It's incorrect all over the place. To pull a random example:

“The fire sealed the wound, so you won’t die of blood loss.” I said.


That period after "loss" should be a comma.

This article goes into dialogue punctuation more, and I'd suggest you read it to clean this up. Dialogue punctuation is one of those very basic things that readers pick up on when it's incorrect.

Onto the dialogue itself, it's pretty stilted. People very rarely, if ever, say what they mean directly, and they're also very unlikely to just explain things at the drop of a hat unless they're motivated by something. Right now, I'm not seeing a motive for characters to be speaking the way they are.

As a result, the first thing you have to do is figure out why people are saying what they're saying. Once you peg the "why" for behaviour, then they get to have reasons for the characters and therefore they become a lot more fleshed out. Those motivations are things that should start with the first line of dialogue and end with the last, because all speech is coded. Now this isn't to say you should go off putting the motive for them saying things every time in prose. It's simply to say you, as the author, need to know this. It will affect your writing and improve it, because your characters will be behaving for a reason instead of just behaving the way that's best for the plot.

These two articles go more into dialogue and linguistics.

In general, this whole scene feels like it's happening because the plot calls for it. When the MC figures out those guards are the rebels it's like you wanted him to know the base was right and everything gets wrapped up. It's neat, and clean, and in the end the heroes don't end up making a mistake even though the hero hates it. Where's the gut-wrenching in that? Where's the ability to let the hero make a mistake, to be wrong, to not find out if what he did was right until months later? That's where emotions pull in. A neat little bow in a single scene doesn't give us that.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




ANADIR says...


Oh my, i have been putting periods after all my dialogue... o.o thanks for telling me!



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:42 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hey there! Happy review day.

I'll review as I read :)

I realized it was a grenade to late, and she hurled it at the house.
I suggest you frame it as this - 'I realized too late that it was a grenade, and she hurled it at the house.'
Because 'grenade too late' looks like a thing which it obviously is not.

What i don't seem to understand here is why the guard pretended to be a fake one. The rebels are obviously more in number so they have no reason to be subtle. They can just take over these two and they have all the reasons to be angry at them. Why would a rebel care for a girl who is hurt when she just blew up their house and killed two of their friends?

It smashed the sights on his gun, and he dropped it in surprise. I glared at them, and they all turned and ran.
Without a fight?

She picked the empty weapon up from where she had dropped it when she had gone to draw her pistol, and leaned on it.
This is a long sentence. It works great if you just shorten it to - She picked the empty weapon up from where she had dropped it and leaned on it.' It works just fine.

Overall,
Another good chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have in store for these two!

Keep writing.

And Go Team Rocket !




ANADIR says...


Ah, thanks for the review! The reason the guard didn't immidiately kill Lilly was because he wasn't sure if she was the one who blew up the house or an innocent, and by doing that, it shows that they are compassionate. And on the second one, c'mon. If someone chucked a rock at you and managed to nail the sights on a rifle without even trying, would YOU stick around? XD




I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye