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Young Writers Society


12+

Going through Time-Chapter Seven: We're Dying in Two Ways

by erilea


       I was frozen. My plan was to saunter in, ask Hades where Tartarus was, and find Cronus and unlock him. Sure, it wasn't as easy as it sounded, but I didn't think we would be down here all day staring at the ghostly magnificence of the Underworld. 

"Well well well," Hades sneered, his voice cold as Will's mother. "Who do we have here?"

"Jaz Felton, Sadie Brown, and Will Dean," I replied, attempting a confident voice and failing.

"I assume you are on a quest, asking me for help." He spat out the word help as if it were a piece of garbage in his mouth. "Well, you're not going to get it."

"Um...why?" Sadie asked, and I did a mental facepalm. Sadie can be a bit stupid when she's terrified. 

"Because, help does not come from the mouth of the ruler of the one and only-" Hades gestured around him, "-Underworld."

"That's not reason at all!" Will shouted, curling his hands into fists. I think my friends were overreacting to all of this; they had to stop before Hades called on Cerberus to drag them out of the Underworld.

"Guys, calm down," I soothed, hoping they would listen. We needed our wits, not our fists.

"That's right, listen to the little girl," Hades jeered, and cackled cruelly. Will rolled his eyes, and Sadie was trembling, but I had gathered myself together about now. 

"Lord Hades, we need to ask you for our quest. Kronos is trapped in the deepest pits in the Underworld, Tartarus, and needs to get out..." I rambled, deciding to leave out the part that Kronos was my dad. I heard about how Hades was finally welcome on Olympus after Kronos had tried to kill him. I saw some kind of emotion flicker over Hades's face, and I tried to make it out. Fear? Pain? Respect? His eyes softened and I breathed a little, not realizing I had been holding my breath.

"Very well," he muttered. "On one request." 

I gulped.

"What is it?"

"You will fetch my helm from the Fields of Asphodel first." He demanded, and waved us away. Will, Sadie, and I stumbled out, trying to escape before he changed his mind. We wandered through the Underworld, looking around in Elysium and cringing at the wails in the Fields of Punishment. The Underworld wasn't a happy place, excusing the Isles of the Blest. We finally came to a giant meadow filled with white flowers, stretching to the very edge of my sight. Our trio plundered through it, searching until our eyes ached from the brightness of the flowers. This might as well have been me in the Fields of Punishment. We searched harder until our back cracked when we stood up and our eyes were bloodshot and tired. Will finally said something.

"Okay, why are we doing this again?" He whined, rubbing his eyes.

"To avoid being blasted to smithereens," Sadie snarked back, eyes on the white flowers. I groaned. Now I wished I had brought Central Park into the Underworld, to keep them from arguing. 

"Be quiet!" I snapped, scanning over the field. "We only have a few days before we die...and we're spending our time arguing? Focus!" I turned my attention back to the asphodel and sighed in relief when Will and Sadie did too. Finally I discovered a speck of black, and gasped as I came closer. It was the helm! "Guys!" I yelped, acknowledging the helmet, and they rushed over. I gingerly picked it up in my hands and carried it over the field. We made our way back out, and hurriedly returned to the throne. "Lord Hades, we found your helm," I said quickly, and he placed it beside him.

"Very well." He replied, and sent us off. We shot out of the palace, forward a little, southwest, and stopped short at the entrance to Tartarus. 

"Here we are," I stated, and reminded myself to punch myself in the face. I was/hated being Captain Obvious.

"Um, what choices do we have?" Will asked. Did I mention my friends get dumb if they're terrified?

"Die, try to escape back out of the Underworld, or die." I said, and hated the fact we were going to die either way, in Tartarus or out of the Underworld. I grabbed Sadie's hand, making sure Will was following, raced in.


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Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:04 am
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hey!

Your opening sentence made me laugh, because it was so blunt:

I was frozen. My plan was to saunter in, ask Hades where Tartarus was, and find Cronus and unlock him.


Just like.. let's casually stroll into Hell. XD

"Very well," he muttered. "On one request." I gulped.

"What is it?"

"You will fetch my helm from the Fields of Asphodel first." He demanded, and waved us away.


I also like the fact that Hades is such a casual person. Just giving order, kinda.
I don't know how you managed to make something so funny. Hee hee. I think you've taken a simple idea and made a wonderful story.

Well done!




erilea says...


Thx!



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Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:50 am
porcupinestrongwill wrote a review...



hullo, wisegirl22. i believe we haven't met around the site before. allow me to introduce msyelf: hullo again, wisegirl22. i am Porcupine Strongwill, and i'm here to day to give your work a little review. first we must tackle the

#008000 ">technical errors

He spat out the word help as if it were a #FF0000 ">piece of garbage in his mouth.


"Lord Hades, we need to ask you for our quest. Kronos is trapped in the deepest pits in the Underworld, Tartarus, and needs to get out#008000 ">." I rambled, deciding to leave out the part that Kronos was my dad.


i think it would be better if you attach "Lord Hades..." to a dialogue tag. or perhaps, use and ellipsis like so:

"Lord Hades, we need to ask you for our quest. Kronos is trapped in the deepest pits in the Underworld, Tartarus, and needs to get out#0040FF ">..." I rambled, deciding to leave out the part that Kronos was my dad.


"Very well," he muttered. "On one request."
#FF0000 ">
I gulped.


"You will fetch my helm from the Fields of Asphodel first#FF0000 ">," he demanded, and waved us away.


Our trio plundered through it,#FF0000 ">^searching until our eyes ached from the brightness of the flowers.


"Okay, why are we doing this again?" #FF0000 ">he whined, rubbing his eyes.


I was#FF0000 ">^hated being Captain Obvious.


and finally...

"Die, try to escargo back out of the Underworld, or die#FF0000 ">," I said, and hated the fact w#FF0000 ">e were going to #FF0000 ">ei either way, in Tartarus or out of the Underworld. I grabbed Sadie's hand, making sure Will was following, #FF0000 ">and raced in.


#008000 ">thoughts

i'm not much familiar with Greek mythology, so i cannot and should not comment on the way you've incorporated mythology; but i think this was pretty nice. i was not too convinced with the thingie that Hades asked them to look for. instead of just going on, like, "Oh, hey! This is it!" maybe add a bit of details to that part - i think it would be a good chance to open up your characters a bit.

speaking of, none of the characters really, you know, let's say, put their marks on me. after reading, i couldn't remember any of them (the narrator an exception). so i think it would really be good idea to open them up a bit - show some hints of characterization here and there.

i should mention that this was pretty funny. i like your wit in it. i snickered at the part:

Did I mention my friends get dumb if they're terrified?


lastly, your last paragraph was nice (except for the typos and stuff). you did a good job with the cliffhanger. it makes the story intriguing.

keep writing,
porcey xoxo




erilea says...


Thanks, I'll edit. I still don't get what's wrong with much of it though...





oh, i'm sorry. which part was not clear? *blushes*



erilea says...


Never mind, I edited. :)




If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke