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Salamander Wings: Chapter 1: Into the Dark -Revised-

by Sillia


My name is Rae Dare.

The teacher's voice slid over me as I stared out the window in a daydream. My feet were propped up on my desk and my hands clasped firmly behind my head. I heard a whoosh beside my head as something flew past my ear. I didn't flinch, but I heard a chorus of laughter erupt from behind me, undoubtedly from Garren and his 'gang'. I glanced towards the ceiling, sighing with exasperation. When will this boy grow up?

A low droning floated by my ear, like the annoying noise of a fly that just won't leave you alone. I know I smell good but couldn't it bother someone else for a change? I swatted absently at the space beside my head, expecting my hand to at least collide with something. I froze as the noise increased, pushing an uneasy feeling into my bones.

Red lights started to flash behind my eyelids, silently warning me of what, I didn't know. Danger. Danger. Danger. Darting my gaze around the plain gray, box-shaped room, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. Mr. Fig still droned on in the front of the room, his back turned to us as he scribbled down the equations that we were supposed to have memorized. (But I mean seriously, who's going to have to find out the perimeter of a rectangle?) His graying black hair had been shaved close to his scalp and he adorned a white lab coat on top of plain gray clothes. In front of me sat a girl with beach blond hair, her pencil zooming over her paper, taking down notes like a good girl. Looking to my left, I saw nothing racing toward me at break-neck speed, nothing besides the dull gray of the Court Yard. The flood lights blinked red, on and off, where they hung above the Dormitory Towers. A thick layer of fog obscured everything else. I watched the red lights throb in the gloomy air until my own warning signals pulsed in beat with them. On-off. Danger. On-off. Get out. On-off. Leave the Compound. On-off. Now.

In one fluid motion, I slammed my feet to the floor, the hard soles of my knee-high black combat boots echoing around the suddenly quiet classroom. I knew better than to ignore my strange instincts. I stood up, glancing to my right at a girl who sat beside me. She was my age, sixteen, and had red hair that fell around her shoulder in delicate waves. Dark green eyes watched me carefully, holding my gaze evenly.

Time to fly. I thought.

Wait before you start thinking I'm insane; it gets better.

Rae? What's the matter? Her voice filled my mind.

Just trust me. I shot back.

She nodded and stood up beside me, swinging her back-pack onto her shoulder. She wore the same crisp white outfit as me, but unlike mine, she didn't have 'rebellious' black stripes running down her thigh and torso. I couldn't help but smile at that thought. If Administration thought that was bad, they should see my room.

"Ms. Dare, Ms. Fall, do you have anything interesting to say?" Mr. Fig's voice was as cold as his plain gray eyes as he turned to face us.

A chill settled into my skin as the class turned their eyes on us. Why can't people mind their own business?

"I have something to say about Amora yes." I replied my voice as cold as his. Get out get out get out! I couldn't help it. I didn't get an opportunity as brilliant as this one every day.

"Well, say it then. Let's all hear what your important announcement is." Sarcasm dripped from every word.

"Amora is stupid." I ignored the gasp that rose up from the class and pushed on. Get out! Stop stalling! GO GO GO! "We wouldn't have to fear the M.R.s if we let them back into the city." I brushed some of my brown hair from my face and went on, stabbing a finger at my chest, "I'm the last of the Wind Elementals. Why do you think that is? It's because this stupid country keeps going to war. And my people have held steadfast, and look where it's gotten us."

Mr. Fig eyes were now like ice chips drilling into my skull, "Ms. Fall?" he turned his attention to my red headed friend.

She barely had time to open her mouth before the back wall was blown to smithereens.

Smoke clogged my lungs and every part of me ached. I tried to open my eyes and found them heavy and unresponsive. Slowly, feeling began to return to my arms. I felt sharp pain, the tingling sensation that showered through my hands as I tried to move them, curling them in and out as I tried to bring feeling back. Finally I managed to slide my eyes open, gasping when I saw the state that the room had been left in. I looked up through a jagged hole in the ceiling to the plain gray sky, blinking as a small shower of grit fell from the hole. Gray gray gray! Why is everything always gray?! I yelled silently, fending off a fit of unexpected giggles at the silly thought. Of all the things to think of... Rolling my eyes at my own idiocy, I rolled over painfully onto my stomach, pushing myself to my knees. The effort took the breath from my lungs. Gasping, I stayed there until another one of my brilliant thoughts hit me.

"Emmany?" I called, wincing at the hoarse, scratchy, un-Rae like sound that came from my mouth.

My red-haired friend was nowhere to be seen. Worry for her ran through my bones, giving me the adrenaline that I needed to get going again. As I stood on unsteady feet, a noise behind me caught my attention. I turned around slowly, trying to ignore the screaming protest of my limps. A gasp was torn from my mouth at the sight that greeted my eyes. The back wall had been completely obliterated. Thick fog was sweeping into the black room, and I could just make out the sound of the alarm siren in the distance. In front of me stood about twenty people, all of them dressed in black. See this wouldn't be a problem if they were here to help, but at the look on their faces, I knew that wasn't what they had in mind.

Looking closer, I was able to see most of then had odd body parts added onto them; tails, ears, wings that didn't belong. They're Mutants. I though, stepping back slightly as shock filled my body. I had never seen one before, and they sight of them filled me with a strange, terrifying curiosity. Someone stepped forward from the center of the crowd, and looked at me through glassy, red hued blue eyes. The thought came to me that he might be blind, but from the way they scanned the room with a hungry gleam, I second thought my guess.

He had black hair that was cropped above his ears, and crude, demon like wings sprouted from his shoulder blades. That wasn't the only thing that made him a Mutant, however. See wings don't bother me- not by a long shot. After all, I had wings of my own. Not the demon ones on my new friend's back, or the frilly, dragon-fly looking wings that you might be thinking of. They are more or less like angel wings. And before you start thinking it; no I'm not some poor creature that was cooked up in a lab with grafted on wings and blah blah horrible scientists! I was born with them. No one..really knows why. But anyway, what bothered me the most about this guy was his mouth.

In place of his nose and his mouth, he had the snout of a wolf. It snarled and sniffed the air, smelling for something, or someone. The thought chilled me to the bone. Was it too late to play dead? Judging from the way they were all looking at me, it was. I unfurled my own wings, wincing as I discovered a new pain. One of my wings bad been slashed savagely, the feathers were rumbled and torn, some were even missing. Rage filled me at the sight of them. Not to brag, but I keep my feathers clean. The gold-brown secondary feathers, which I had spent so much time this morning brushing and cleaning, were now streaked with dust and blood, and the shiny white primary ones were now a dull, lifeless gray.

"Gray!" I spluttered, unable to stop myself, "Again with the gray!" I turned back to my new buddies, this time full of anger, "Someone's gonna pay for this." I growled, giving my wings an experimental flap, lifting myself a few feet from the floor

Pain shot through my injured wing, and I touched back to the ground almost instantly, gasping for air through gritted teeth. A light fuse above me exploded; the wires and blub hanging limply from the ceiling. The one with the wolf snout smiled with the slight hint of a sneer like I was a small child in need of a bath.

"Rae Dare?" it asked, the sharp tone more like a bark.

"Dare-Thorn to you." I snarled, unable to keep the quiver of surprise form my voice. How had it known my name?

Another one stepped forward, a girl about fifteen or fourteen with the dark tail of a tabby cat, "Stop playing." She purred, a sickly sweet smile twisting her otherwise pretty face. "We know who you really are."

"You know if you keep that up, your face is gonna stay that way." I told her, folding my arms, trying to appear calm while my inside fluttered around, my brain whirling inside as it searched for answers. Where was Emmany? Heck, I would even be happy to see Garren right now!

Unfortunately, I spoke to soon. Garren emerged from beneath a pile of rubble, a hand on his head. He raised his eyes and saw me, then looked over at Dog-Face and the Cat-Brat, his mouth a small 'o' of surprise. He staggered towards me, dropping his hand from his head.

"Uh, you might want to consider staying down." I said sweetly, returning my gaze to where one of the Mutants was drawing a crude looking axe.

He shook his head, which seemed to make him dizzy, for he staggered sideways a few paces before coming at me again, "No way. You- You're going to ne-need help." he said through gritted teeth.

"Are you kidding? I got it handled. Just go lay down in your rock bed over there." I shot back, pushing my sleeves back and drawing out a small knife from my boot. That was my first mistake. At the sight of the weapon, the other Mutants drew theirs, looks of smug triumph on their faces. A few of them separated and began to move throughout the classroom, trying to get behind Garren and I.

"You can take out twenty Mutants Dare? Ha. Give me a break." Garren voice was stronger now, and his footsteps more confident. Two more steps would bring him to my side.

"Come with us and no one will get hurt." Dog-Face was talking again, yawning as if we bored him.

"No can do Señor Dog-Face." I sneered, bowing mockingly. "I'm afraid Rae only goes where Rae wants to go. And she doesn't want to go with you."

Dog-Face's eyes flashed and he growled, some of the other Mutants shifting nervously around him, "Dog-Face?" He snarled, "Dog-Face!? My name is Akien! You will treat me with respect!" he howled, flashing yellowed canine teeth.

"Um, would it hurt to apologize?" Garren muttered next to me.

I considered the option, I really did, but I was having too much fun with my lame-insults. "Couldn't hurt to brush your teeth once in a while could it? I think you've been eating too many dog-biscuits." I said, eyeing his chipped, razor sharp teeth.

He howled again and leaped at me, a knife in his hand. Move! A voice yelled inside my mind. To your left! Too late. I remembered the Mutants behind us. Now I not only had to worry about Dog-Face- sorry, Akien- I also had to worry about the half-human things behind us.

"Move!" I yelled to Garren, shoving him in the side, pushing him to the floor.

We tumbled over a pile of rubble, much like the pile Garren had just clambered out of. Garren hissed at me, not please by the fact that I'd just saved his skin.

"Well that wasn't close." I breathed, clutching a stitch in my side.

"Shut up!" he snarled.

"A 'thank you' would fit nicely you know." I muttered.

He didn't reply, but instead peered over the stack of rubble at the Mutants who were running around, searching for us. It seems our dive behind the rock pile had thrown them off-cores. To them, we might as well have vanished into thin air.

"Not to bright are they?" I sniggered.

'Stupid' would have been an understatement. When standing in a group, weapons drawn and eyes glinting, they certainly looked menacing, but as Garren and I watched them from behind our pile, we saw that it was all just a clever act. Without the constant command of their leader, who I assumed to be Dog-Face, they were in chaos. It was quite disappointing actually. We'd been trained for years that they were things to be terrified of and if given a chance, would chase you down without mercy.

They ran around, wailing their heads off, looking a lot like scared children. A Mutant would was no more than seven looked around, more dog than human. I was sorely tempted to throw a stick in her direction to see if she would play fetch. A moan sounded from behind us, and we both whipped around, Garren with his fists ready, me with armed with my knife. Privately, I thought I would fare better with the blade. I saw a mass of red hair, and dropped my weapon -because that's always a smart thing to do (let's call this mistake number one)- a chill going through me.

"Emmany!" I whispered, crawling to her.

She looked horrible. Her hair was dark along her scalp, suggesting the presence of blood, and her pale skin looked like paper beneath a layer of dust and grit. I brushed it away from her face, my fingers trembling. Her jacket had been torn to shreds, and multiple cuts and gashes were sliced onto her body. Hot anger began to seep through me. I would bet my wings that the Mutants had blown the hole in the wall. It's one thing to mess with my wings, but no one, and I mean no one, touched Emmany. I felt myself shaking as I turned back to Garren, hot tears of anger spilling down my face. I was too mad to feel mortified at the fact that I was crying in front of him.

"I'm going to kill them." Garren pulled me down as I started to get to my feet, sending a painful jolt up my wing.

"No you're not!" he hissed, "We have to help her!" he gestured to Emmany.

I turned back to her and saw what he meant. Her own wings had been opened, as if she had hoped to take flight, but something must have happened somewhere in between, for one of them was trapped under a large piece of ceiling. My worry for her consumed my anger.

"Help me push this off of her." I snapped at Garren.

He nodded his face quite pale. Together, we rolled the thing off of her, trying to ignore her whimper of pains as the weight was lifted. As soon as we'd gotten it off, a fresh wave of anger returned. I gathered Emmany to me, cradling her head in my lap and folding my wings around the both of us, blocking us from view. Contrary to what you might be thinking, Emmany and I are not Mutants. Our wings, unlike those of Dog-Face, came with our Element.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and looked up, anger still running through me as my eyes met Garren's. "What?" I snapped.

I was surprised to see that he was smiling, "I'd never thought I'd be glad to say this," he said, "But your brother's here."

"Ezekiel?" I gasped, looking around.

He pointed to where the back wall had been, and I felt a wave of relief and gratitude, though not enough to quench my anger. I saw Ezekiel and a handful of others run into the building, axes, maces and bows at the ready. Most of the Mutants heard them arrive before then, and had vanished from sight. They were all children of Dark after all. Dog-Face and Cat-Brat however, were among those who stuck around. Dog-Face ran at Ezekiel, brandishing his knife like a war hammer. Ezekiel, his attention on Emmany, Garren and me, was taken totally by surprise. A shout was torn from my lips as Dog-Face pinned my brother to the ground, raising his knife and aimed for his heart. I was on my feet in a second, disregarding the shouts from Garren as he took Emmany from me. Leaping into the air, I ignored the searing pain that shot though my wing, and flew straight for them. (A.K.A, my second mistake.)

"Get away from my brother you creep!" I screamed, driving my shoulder into his side.

Dog-Face rolled away from him, his knife flying from his hand. Behind me, I heard the angered cries of Garren as the Mutants turned on him. A surge of guilt ran through me, momentarily taking my mind of the fight. If Emmany, or Garren for that matter, were hurt, it would be my fault. I'd given away our hiding place, and Garren couldn't defend Emmany and fight them off at the same time. But I couldn't just leave me brother to die either. Dog-Face took advantage of my momentary lapse to sweep my feet out from under me, landing me painfully on my already injured wing.

"Rae!" I heard Ezekiel gasp.

I couldn't reply, for the fall had knocked the wind out of me. Dog-Face turned back to where my brother was struggling off the ground, his pale blond hair sticking to his forehead.

"Emmany!" I heard another voice howl. It was Darren, Emmany's older brother.

Whipping around, I had just enough time to see Emmany and Garren being swallowed by darkness, Garren's eyes wide with terror; an expression I had never before seen on his face.

"Garren!" I screamed.

The Mutants, Garren and Emmany were all gone. Well; all except for two. Dog-Face and Cat-Brat still hung around. "What have you done with them?!" I screeched, throwing myself at Dog-Face before he could do anymore harm to my brother.

Worry and fear for Emmany, (and yes, surprisingly Garren), and anger at myself boiled in my blood. Unfortunately, not only had I forgotten about little Miss Cat-Brat, but anger tends to make me a bit clumsy. Cat-Brat grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me off of Dog-Face, causing another witty comment to spring from my mouth.

"Aren't cats and dog supposed to not like each other?" I snarled as I dug my elbow into her rib cage.

She screeched with pain and pushed me away from her, back towards Dog-Face. He seized me by the neck, his eyes glinting triumphantly. I heard Ezekiel shout again, and Darren too, although this time he was shouting for me and not his sister that I'd failed to protect. My vision was growing blurry as I hung my head, failure ringing threw my bones. I could feel my wings droop against my back, pain burning like fire through them. Vaguely, I saw the archers raise their bows, ready to fire on command; the command that was to come from Darren. I wanted to scream for him to shoot, but I also understood why he was hesitating. If he shot, he had a chance of finding out where Emmany and Garren had vanished too, but also risked a chance of shooting me. If he didn't, Dog-Face and Cat-Brat would both get away, with me in tow, and he'd lose any chance of finding his sister. Forcing my eyes back into focus, I looked into Darren's dark green ones, nodding ever so slightly. Surprise flooded his eyes but he understood what I was trying to tell him. I'm sorry. He mouthed.

"Fire!" he shouted, releasing the arrow from his bow.

"No!" Ezekiel screamed.

Too late; again. The last I saw off my brother, he was struggling towards me, an expression of anger on his face as one of his comrades held him back. Dog-Face grabbed Cat-Brat around the waist and pulled her towards us, his hand still clamped firmly on my neck. His dark eyes glinted, and then we were gone, surrounded by shadows.

I think I am about to die.


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Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:26 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello! Feather here to review!

So first off: great story start. I understand the MC's personality, what her life was normally like, and who she cares about. It set the stage and hooked the reader. I did catch a few things that seemed incorrect to me, though.

"That wasn’t the only thing that made him a Mutant[,] however." I think this would be smoother if you put a comma in.

"See wings don’t bother me, not by a long shot." 'Seeing wings doesn't bother me' or 'See, wings don't bother me- not by a long shot.' would run a bit smoother, I think.

"I myself, after all, had wings of my own." I would rephrase this into something like 'After all, I had wings of my own.' I think the myself sounds out of place.

"...and the shinny white primary ones were now a dull, lifeless gray." Shiny?

"Garren voice was stronger now, and his footsteps more confident. Two more steps would bring him to my side." Garren's voice was stronger now?

"Dog-Face was talking again, yawning as if we board him." Bored him, not board him.

'“No can do[,] Señor Dog-Face.” I sneered, bowing mockingly.' See brackets.

'“Um[,] would it hurt to apologize?” Garren muttered next to me.' See brackets.

"It seems our dive behind the rock pile had thrown them off-cores." Off-course.

"Ezekiel, his attention on Emmany, Garren and me, was taken totally by surprise." Emmany, Garren, and I.

Other than a few typos and clunky sentences, great job! Like I said: awesome story, awesome set up, awesome characters.

Keep on writing!

-Featherstone




Sillia says...


Thank you! :)



Featherstone says...


No problem!



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Tue Jul 15, 2014 2:24 am
ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



I liked the sounds you added to this piece. The "whoosh" just made me shiver.

"beach, blonde hair" There are two spellings for "blond." Blond is what you use to describe a guy's set of hair. What you use for women is blonde.

"courtyard"

"Dark, green eyes watched me..."

"Time to fly, I thought."

"Just trust me, I shot back."

"...she didn't have 'rebellious,' black stripes running down her thigh and torso."

"I have something to say about Amora, yes," I replied, my voice as cold as his.

"Ms. Fall?" He turned his attention to my red-headed friend."

"Dare-Thorn to you," I snarled, unable to keep..."

"...stay that way," I told her, folding my arms, trying to..."

"Unfortunately, I spoke too soon."

"Uh, you might want to consider staying down," I said sweetly..."

"...help," he said through gritted teeth."

"...over there," I shot back."

"Come with us, and no one will get hurt."

"No can do, Señor Dog-Face," I sneered, bowing mockingly, "I'm afraid Rae only goes where Rae wants to go, and she doesn't want to go with you."

"He howled, flashing..."

I swear that this scene reminds me of the beginning of Thriller, which scares me a little. Don't worry. Your story is a good one.

"...too many dog-biscuits," I said, eyeing his chipped, razor sharp teeth."

"A 'thank you' would fit nicely, you know," I muttered."

"...help her!" He gestured to Emmany."

"...off of her!" I snapped at Garren."

"Get away from my brother, you creep!"

I feel as if there are too many characters coming out at once. Is there a way you can introduce them a scene at a time or something like that?




Sillia says...


I wish i could, but this is really the only time you'll see some of the characters. Mr. Fig for example. same with Ezekiel and Darren.. They really aren't in the story sorry if it was confusing but thanks for the review



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Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:27 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for another review, Sillia. I headed over to review this work as soon as I could could. I hope this helps you. The name reminds me of Salamandastron in the Redwall series.

Before I start reviewing I just wanted to ask you how to pronounce your characters name. Is it supposed to be pronounced ray like a ray of sun or rye as in rye bread?

First I think I should mention that your first paragraph is extremely long. I also thought that is was more of an info dump about the main character's thoughts on her teacher and description of her or her surroundings. I think that you need to break it up into multiple paragraphs and add a little description about the character herself.

Time to fly.
Your concept of Mind Speech is interesting, though not original. However the other girl is strangely silent. She doesn't reply to your MC. I think you could add some of her Mind Speech.

A gasp was town from my mouth at the sight that greeted my eyes.
I think that you meant to say torn here instead of town. It's probably autocorrect's fault.

Before I go any further I just thought that I would point out that this story would be a lot mor intense if this was written in the present tense, since then your character could die. But here you know that the character is alive because it is in the pas tense.

Man alive! You are very disrespectful to cats here! My AE (Alter Ego), who is one, has a thing or four to say about that. But probably none of then would be YWS appropriate.

“You can take out twenty Mutants Dare? Ha. Give me a break.”
I think that the wolf creature is speaking here though you don't make that clear in the text.

He didn’t reply, but instead peered over the stack of rubble at the Mutants who were running around, searching for us.
Um...how do the mutants not know where they are? You have a typo in the next sentence btw.

Way to start in the middle of the action and end in suspense. But about the ending; why did you switch tenses in the last sentence?

Overall I liked the intensity of this though I thought the Mutants were rather lame! This kind of had a distopian feel to it. I would like to see the story be a little bit more upbeat or happy at some point. Happy Writing!!! :D




Sillia says...


Thank for the review :)



Sillia says...


Oh and its pronounced Ray like the sun



r4p17 says...


Okay thanks, and your welcome. Or rather the other way around. Anyhow...



Sillia says...


xD



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Mon Jul 14, 2014 1:28 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So, this is cool. Actiony, a lot going on in this first chapter, but not so much that we feel lost.

I think the main issues are too much description and too much info-dump. Like when you tell us about the Lady of the Wind and the Lord of Fire, right? That's a cool piece of info, and obviously at some point in the story we'll want to know things like this. But right now, in the middle of an attack of mutants and a fight and people being in danger, it's out of place. It slows down the action, and we don't need to know it right now. Sometimes it's difficult to know where to squeeze in world-building...but definitely not in the middle of a fight, unless it's a part where it makes sense to describe a Mutant, for example, since that's who's attacking.

As far as the over-description goes--that first paragraph, for example. It's very long, it gives us overly-detailed descriptions of every action Rae does (crinkling her nose, her position in her seat, etc), and descriptions of characters who disappear later (the blonde girl, the teacher). Description is good, but too much will lose readers' focus as they try to sift through the description for action.

If you absolutely cannot decide what description to cut, another route to go is figuring out a good place to break up your overlong paragraphs so that readers don't feel like it's tedious trying to read them. For example, this is how I would break up that first paragraph:

The teacher’s voice droned over me as I stared out the window in a daydream. My feet were propped up on my desk and my hands were clasped firmly behind my head. I heard a whoosh beside my head as something flew past my ear. I didn’t flinch, but I heard a chorus of laughter erupt from behind me, undoubtedly from Garren and his ‘gang’. Crinkling my nose as if smelling something foul, I rolled my eyes and stretched my mouth in a wide yawn of boredom.

There was a buzz by my ear and I swatted absently at the air, thinking it was a fly. I expected for the buzzing to go away but it didn’t. It only got louder. It wasn’t coming from any insect I realize, my eyes widening until I was sure I looked like an owl. The buzz was coming from deep within my own mind.

Red lights started to flash behind my eyelids, silently warning me of what, I didn’t know. Danger. Danger. Danger. Darting my gaze around the plain gray, box-shaped room, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. Mr. Fig still droned on in the front of the room, his back turned to us as he scribbled down the equations that we were supposed to have memorized. His graying black hair had been shaved close to his scalp and he adorned a white lab coat on top of plain gray clothes. In front of me sat a girl with beach blond hair, her pencil zooming over her paper, taking down notes like a good girl. Looking to my left, I saw nothing racing toward me at break-neck speed, nothing besides the dull gray of the Court Yard.

The flood lights blinked red, on and off, where they hung above the Dormitory Towers. A thick layer of fog obscured everything else. I watched the red lights throb in the gloomy air until my own warning signals pulsed in beat with them. On-off. Danger. On-off. Get out. On-off. Leave the Compound. On-off. Now.


You could break it up more than this or less, but you see how now it's several manageable paragraphs instead of one long one? The way I chose to break it up was description of normal stuff vs more actiony/suspenseful things. So I'd have a short paragraph of "blah blah, a normal day at class," and then a paragraph of "warning lights went off in my head suddenly," followed by "but everyone else was still acting normal, like they didn't realize anything was wrong," followed by "but then the flood lights came on in the Compound and I knew I had to get out."

(Btdubs, I love that last line in the opening paragraph, when it flips between "on-off" and Rae's thoughts.)

The plus side is, your problem is too much description, which is a better problem to have than too little--it's a lot easier to break up paragraphs or cut a few lines than to try to squeeze in a bunch of new description!

Blue




Sillia says...


Thanks for your review! :)



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Mon Jul 14, 2014 9:07 am
Amoniel wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Amoniel and I'm going to be reviewing this piece. c: (Beware - everything I write tends to get a bit long, regardless if I want it to or not... >.>)

I was captivated for the entire story. I love the way you use description, and the whole piece seemed to flow really well - I literally couldn't stop reading until I had reached the end. You built up suspense really well, and the whole chapter feels like it had been laid out well, and it was structured effectively. I'm crossing my fingers for a second chapter! :3

After re-reading it, I did pick up a few technical mistakes however; or small bits that confused me or felt wrong in the context. Some of it is largely subjective, and the rest small typos or small grammatical errors. ^^ (Usually I don't think these would be pointed out too much, but I am a bit obsessive over typos and grammatical errors. xD)

First off - that first paragraph, under 'My name is Rae Dare', is quite long. I did lose my place in it when I was reading the first time. The rest of the chapter was paragraphed out well, but that first one threw me off.

"Mr. Fig eyes were now like ice chips..."

Mr. Fig's
Missing apostrophe

"...trying to ignore the screaming protest of my limps. A gasp was town"

... limbs. A gasp was torn...
Typos

"Most of them were Mutants. I had never seen one before..."

Since this whole story was pretty much narrated by Rae, it sounds like she is stating that there were mutants - but since she hadn't seen one before, how could she distinguish them so quickly? I'm assuming that they have pretty distinct appearances, but even so it is a bit disorientating that she can point them out so quickly. Perhaps you can word that a bit differently?

“You know if you keep that up, your face is gonna stay that way.”

Her face is going to stay what way? In the sickly sweet smile? Is that a bad thing? How would Rae manage that? A lot of questions pop to mind at that one. xD

Spoiler! :
"Unfortunately, I spoke to soon. Garren emerged from beneath a pile of rubble, a hand on his head. He raised his eyes and saw me, then looked over at Dog-Face and the Cat-Brat, his mouth a small ‘o’ of surprise. He staggered towards me, dropping his hand from his head.

“Uh, you might want to consider staying down.” I said sweetly, returning my gaze to where one of the Mutants was drawing a crude looking axe.

He shook his head, which seemed to make him dizzy, for he staggered sideways a few paces before coming at me again, “No way. You- You’re going to ne-need help.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Are you kidding? I got it handled. Just go lay down in your rock bed over there.” I shot back..."

What were the mutants doing throughout this whole merry little interaction? Watching Garren stumble about? This isn't a big one, but something a picky mind would, well, pick at. xD Maybe you could have the mutants moving around them before Rae draws her weapon in that sequence, so they are doing something.

"(A.K.A, my second mistake.)"

What was the first mistake? We weren't notified in a similar manner of the first mistake (I think Rae had made a few actions that could have been considered as 'mistakes' at this point), so the sudden second mistake is a bit confusing. Also, with the A.K.A and brackets this does seem like a slightly unprofessional add-in, that takes away from the story's general atmosphere at this point in time (in my opinion, anyways). :3

"Dog-Face turned back to where my brother was struggling off the ground,"

This sentence just confuses me. What is happening with Ezekiel right now? He is off the ground, supposedly flying, but is he struggling in flight? :P

Also, as a general note, the normal assumption is that members of the same family have the same attributes - so if Ezekiel is Rae's brother, would he be a wind elemental as well? But since Rae stated at the beginning that she was the last wind elemental, this is a bit confusing. Supposedly the whole situation will be explained later in the book, but that was an issue that sprang to mind reading the first chapter. :)

Anyways, I'm finished with my critique, and I have to say that I love the ending sequence at the end of the chapter. <3 I'm diffidently looking forward to reading more!

-Almond




Sillia says...


Haha thank for the review :) and all will be explained with Ezikiel and Rae. I did that on purpose! <3




Pigeon poop is the best way to solve problems.
— Pompadour