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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Fathers of Power Chapter 6: Land of Magic

by AdjiFlex


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

“Attention, everyone! The Notherlandian shores are in sight!” an alarm rang out on the massive vessel. Clover gasped and jumped down from the high bunk above Star. She was just drifting off into sleep, not knowing that she was so close to the magical continent. “Star! Star! Wake up!” She shook the woman excitedly. The ship became loud with exclamation and rejoicing. Star quickly got up, and before Clover told her what was happening, she dragged her out of the bed and pulled her – almost falling – out to the deck where already hundreds were gathering. With gleaming eyes and panting hearts, children and adults alike stared out at the blessed shore like it was the Promised Land. There were gasps of awe and wonder as most of them were seeing the strange beauty for the first time. There was a faint yellowish glow that outlined the shore and reflected on the sea like a rare twilight. The light spanned right across the perimeter of the continent. It was a barrier many foreigners didn’t know existed that prevented non-citizens from entering Notherland. Of course, the right levels of shifting could go around that defence, but a mere handful had access to such techniques.

“It’s so… beautiful…” Clover drooled, holding shakily to Star’s hand. As the ship moved toward the shores, the light of the barrier became less apparent. But even beyond the yellow glow was an impeccable sea of wondrous lights. Streets lamps and glowing plants made the cities of Notherland some of the prettiest places in the world. There was no more mental whining about the heavy fare to get to Notherland.

The noise on the ship calmed a little as it came to a halt about a hundred meters from shore. The noise was rebooted until the captain spoke again. “Alright, listen up, people!” he began, and everyone was attentive. The aged man sighed and fixed his blue and white uniform, looking a bit anxious, standing where everyone could see and hear him. Only a few of who were before him knew of what he would next say. “This is how things will proceed!” he started loudly. “The Notherland coast guards have detected this vessel and will send ambassadors of the country to select those of you who will be entitled citizenship!” Suddenly, there was an uproar. Some persons wondered if the captain was joking or getting mad.

“Select citizens?! But I already paid my house’s worth in gold to get here!”

“So you mean they might send me back home?!”

“Why are we just hearing of this?!”

“Are you insane, Captain?!”

“After so many months of travelling, you mean to tell me…”

There were shouts and curses and the ship fell into chaos and pandemonium. “Star, what does this mean?” the shaking Clover asked. She saw all her dreams, even her destiny, flashing before her eyes. She nearly collapsed. “Can’t we just shift in anyway?” she asked. Star kept her cool – somewhat at least.

“N—no, we can’t. That light you see I believe is a barrier that prevents us from shifting in.”

“Kill him! Get the captain!” one woman cried out, rushing up at the man through the crowd with some long, sharp-looking object in her hands. *POOF!* Clover appeared before the frightened captain in a smoke of blue mana, holding her hands out toward the crowd.

“A witch!”

“A Notherlandian!”

“Listen, all of you, let’s not--” She looked back out toward the shore as a bright yellow light caught the corner of her eye. She gasped as a stunning yellow bridge of what appeared to be light extended from the shore until it reached the ship. It was a few meters wide.

Before anyone aboard could suggest or even think of going on the bridge, there was an explosion of green mana and men and women in neat green and purple uniforms appeared. They each wore on their right shoulder and on their dark-purple gloves the emblem of Notherland – it was a simple design that marked the genesis of the great nation – a circle, which six equally spaced lines running from it. There was a small circle at the end of each of the lines. “Greetings, prospective citizens of the Land of Magic,” one of the women greeted. She had a military air about her. “Firstly, any suspicious or unauthorized movement will result in instant death, by order of the Ogal council. Silence!” she shouted as chatter was about to resume.

“Nice,” she said with a straight face when the talking from the ship seized. She looked up “Ascend,” she commanded, and the part of the yellow bridge she and her team were standing on rose a few meters and put them on the level of the captain. “Captain, I assess there are 13,680 passengers here on board,” she said. Everyone except the captain was amazed at this quick calculation.

“Y-yes, ma’am.”

“That is 27% more than the recommended passenger limit, isn’t it?”

“W-well, that sounds about right, miss,” the captain said, sounding more nervous.

“Nonetheless, before we can process, our 75% of the--”

“Oh, right away, ma’am!” The captain took from his clothes a very heavy bag of gold that he somehow managed to hide discreetly. He had already set apart this portion of the fares.

“I trust I need not check, Captain Jackal,” the woman said, grabbing the sack from him and landed it to a nearby man, whose hands nearly caved under the weight.

“Now we can afford to begin,” she said, then sighed lightly. “Your captain might not have told you this, as then only a fraction of you would have boarded his ship, but no more than a tenth of you will be allowed access into Notherland.” The woman allowed noise to rage on for a few seconds. “That’s enough!” she finally said. “Now I am Ambassador Grimstone. These persons behind me are all trained sorcerers with military skill, and I have the authority to order them to do anything I please, so let us be on the same page here. Good. We proceed. Each person will individually be assessed by members of my team. If you are seen fit to join our society, we will assign you a seal that will allow you into our borders. There are four categories of entry seals. Class D seals grant you permission to stay a year in Notherland, Class C, five years, Class B, 10 years, and Class A, which hardly anyone is privileged enough to receive, grants you a lifetime citizenship. If you are granted a seal below Class A, you must seek a renewal before it expires, or you will be tracked, found and deported with no hope of returning, and the government will take hold of your possessions. Whatever children you have here will also be possessed by the government in such a case.”

“What about those who will not be granted citizenship?” a young woman asked.

“Getting right there,” Grimstone said, “you will be transported to an invisible cay a few hundred miles from here, where you will be given the chance to board one of ten vessels that each go up to fifty miles on a particular direction, and you make your way home from there. You will not be allowed unto our ports. Or of course, providing your captain allows it, you can--” The man shook is head rapidly, not entertaining such an idea. “Well there’s your answer,” Grimstone said bluntly.

“But this isn’t fair!” Clover blasted, still shaking a little. She got everyone’s attention and a nasty glare from Grimstone.

“Clover, calm yourself!” Star snapped in a whisper.

“You can’t do this to us! Some of these people sold their land and house and cattle for a ticket to Notherland so they could find a better life! How can you--”

“Little girl,” Grimstone came in, “this rotten ship is not a ticket to get to Notherland, but a ticket for the slim possibility of such. And your chance has gotten ever so slimmer since you have opened your filthy little mouth,” Grimstone said with a slight smirk. Clover’s eyes widened, then they narrowed as she tightened her fists.

“Clover, please, relax – they have the handle there.”

“Have you forgotten what I have?” Clover whispered to Star.

“If you rouse your mana here against them, you’re getting us kicked from Notherland before we have a chance to go in,” Star said strictly.

“What was that now?” Grimstone asked in a daring tone.

“N-nothing, ma’am,” Star said, trying not to sound as nervous as she was.

“Ah, as I thought,” Grimstone said. Clover hissed almost loud enough for Grimstone to hear.

***

“Pathetic!” Lex mocked, ducking to avoid the sword of one of the ten or so fighters. After a bit of close combat, Lex finally made the fatal stab – he was fighting with knives this time. He ran off toward another of the men, making an agile jump and a perfectly placed kick.

“Impressive!” another of them said, attacking from the side with a massive axe. With rehearsed movements, Lex dodged the swing easily, then rushed up to the man, landing a slice on him that spilled his guts as Lex moved in a dash. His eyes followed the movements of all his enemies almost simultaneously.

“Again with that?!” he asked like he was bored of it, as one of them held his hands in position and a bow materialized in his hands. With quick eye movement, Lex realized that he was surrounded by arches. He made a slight snicker. “Well then.” And the firing began. Without end, the men loaded and fired swift metal arrows at the encircled Lex. Lex spun about seven hundred degrees per second as he skilfully deflected every single dart that came toward him.

Now that Lex had Trium within him, his training took on a whole new dimension. With the presence of Maximo and his brothers, the world in Lex’s soul could now exist as a stable construction capable of simulating anything. All four brothers were shaping the warrior they knew would fight their enemy. Lex now had the invaluable advantage of training for a minute per second. The Zagans made him fight them for hours on end, most times using only his close combat and weapon skills. Even Lex had to admit that he was too dependent on his ice, and on the Zagans’ darkness. The world where he trained was no longer a plain white floor. Due to the Zagans’ powerful mental strength, every thinkable scene could easily be replicated.

The world within the boy, forged by the minds of him and his demons was so real that whatever he experienced there affected not just his mind, but also his body. As he spent more time connecting with Trium and Maximo, the need for food and sleep became more farfetched, until such things were almost completely unnecessary. As the spirits of darkness flooded him with their near infinite knowledge and wisdom, he slowly transcended the state of being a man.

Quicker than a wink, the firing men disappeared with their bows, and a single man, looking like a soldier, appeared in his place. Two swords appeared in the man’s hands and he threw them at Lex, creating two more for himself. Before Lex could catch the swords, the soldier was already upon him. Lex jumped back, making quick swings in defence. He jumped back again as he nearly lost his head. “Attack, Lex!” the man blasted, pressuring him with more attacks the average swordsman couldn’t fend off.

“Dammit!” Lex made a strong but careless swing, slightly losing his balance. As one of the enemy’s swords were about to clean his head off, he released his left sword and blocked the attack with an icy hand. *SHH!* Ice quickly covered the swords and slithered down to the swordsman, freezing him.

The boy’s eyes widened as he realized he had angered Trium. “Damn you, weakling! You retreat to using ice again?! You will die horribly!” The ground quaked violently.

“Shit,” the boy muttered. He knew he could not summon the power of darkness in this world, and he knew just as well that his ice could not possibly defeat what he would now face. In rapid black flashes, three demons jetted down from the skies, spirits made of the purest darkness. The dimension went wild with shaking as they landed, surrounding Lex, splitting the iron-hard rock that made the earth apart. They were each in dangerous forms, the forms Lex had seen them in in that vision he had quite some time ago. They looked like three-dimensional shadows, and each bore six wings that stretched out behind them to the length of their bodies. At will, Lex changed into his spirit battle form as well, embodying his icemaking ability itself. In the blink of an eye, he had become a man of pure ice energy. He turned, looking at the three demons with shadowballs readied. Lex smirked. “Maximo!!” he called. The skies burst open, and a fourth demon appeared. The six-winged Maximo landed by Lex’s side; the two stood back to back to face their competitors.

“So you have betrayed us and joined up with the human, Maximo?!” Juventus said, his voice making the air ripple.

“You are Trium, who trampled upon the feeble humans! You shall pay for you evils!” With that, a brawl that could almost destroy the dimension was begun.

***

“Next!” Grimstone called coarsely. Each candidate was taken down the yellow bridge a few meters and dealt with by the team singularly and quietly. With all their efforts, the only thing those on the ship could hear from the examinations was a pitiful, crying plea, begging to be re-examined or pitied or reimbursed or at least taken back home, except for three persons, whose joyous shouts made the others more anxious and more hopeful at the same time. They were three men, and were all well-dressed and looked like scholars. The examiners even laughed a little and seemed impressed by them while they were being processed.A thin, shaky lad as tall as Blade nervously stepped down from the deck onto the yellow bridge. “Come, come, young son!” the woman called. The boy hurried down.

“Star, do you really think we will be chosen?” Clover asked nervously, “We’ve been here two hour now and only three were selected. The odds seem even worse than they predicted!”

“Don’t worry, Clover, things will work out. I bet we’ll get preferential selection based on our sorcery.”

“That might give them reason to see us as threats!” Clover tried to whisper.

“No! No, please! I can’t go back!” the boy cried, tears running down his face.

“Come now, hurry it up!” a fat, sweating man shouted in annoyance and impatience. One of the witches there touched the fellow and he vanished in green mana, probably never to glimpse the shore of Notherland again. Clover’s heart sunk again. She itched to fight Grimstone and the other sorcerers. Clover watched as the stern woman whispered something to one of the men there while pointing up at her. Clover’s heart raced as the wizard quickly made his way up the yellow bridge.

“Come, woman,” he said, stretching a hand to Star. Star held on to him and looked at Clover. The woman nodded and smiled slightly, then the wizard took her down to the team who had the fate of so many in their hands.

“Do have a seat, young lady,” one of the witches said. Star sat on the single chair there. She looked up nervously at those who surrounded her.

“What is your name?”

“Star,” she answered quickly.

“Ah, nice name, I see,” the same man who took her down said, giving her a wink. Grimstone cleared her throat and straightened her face even more. “N—not that that is in any way relevant,” he said. Star smiled and the man almost laughed.

“Why do you wish to enter Notherland?” an old woman there asked.

“Well, I am very interested in your school of magic that is run by an Ogal councillor herself. It would be a great honour to be taught by a Notherlandian mage who is even of the holy council.”

“Ah, so you are a witch?” Grimstone asked, looking quite interested.

“Yes, I am! Should I demonstrate?”

“A simple show of your mana will do,” Grimstone said. Star held her hands out quickly. Her palms were sweating and her hands were fidgeting.

“Hey, relax, miss… Do your worst,” the pleasant man said with a smile. Star roused mana about her hands and it quickly climbed up to the fourth grade. The examiners stepped back and stared at her in shock.

“Don’t think I’m finished!” Star boasted, and powered her mana up until the blueness became a fiery red.

“Incredible!” the young man there gave out.

“Fifth grade mana?!” Grimstone blasted, taken aback and unable to remain cool. Star relaxed and her mana disappeared.

Star breathed a bit heavily. It had been a while before she pushed herself to the fifth grade. “Wondrously incredible!” the old woman said. They all look very impressed, quite pleased, even honoured. Clover sighed and smiled, seeing their excitement wasn’t the type that would push them to start an execution.

“With the right guidance, you should be able to skip through to advanced magic!” the man said “Where are you from?”

“Libson.”

“Quite interesting finding such a powerful witch from so far from Notherland,” Grimstone said. “You do know that if your magic is used for any sort of deviance, there will be immediate punishment, right?”

“I understand, ma’am.”

“And the regular licence that comes with citizenship covers only up to grade three magic, so using fourth or fifth grade magic outside of authorized contexts will land you piles of trouble, and also make you into a target. You will understand everything in time when you read this through.” *POOF!* A small, thick green book appeared in Grimstone’s hand. Written on it in a fancy golden font was ‘The Holy Constitution of the Country of Oga’. Star’s hands shook as she took the book.

“Does this mean…”

“I will grant you a class B citizenship, which is more than enough time to graduate magic school. After that, if you record is clean, I will personally grant you a class A.”

Star was speechless. Grimstone took her left wrist gently and looked at her intently. Star became nervous again suddenly. “Do you swear, by Oga’s name, to obey the laws of Notherland?” she asked.

“Yes. By Oga’s name.”

“Since you want to touch her, do the honours, Henrik,” Grimstone told the man.

“Wh-what are you talking about?!” he blasted nervously. Star laughed. The young man sighed. “Your hand, my lady,” he said, taking Star’s hand gently like he was about to marry her. “This will hurt a little,” he said, “but you know, some pains are wonderful.” He winked at her again, forcing a smile on her face. He covered the greenish veins on her left wrist with his hand and held her tightly. She clenched her teeth as she felt a sting. He released her. She looked down at her wrist. There, in purple, the emblem of the country rested. Also, there was a faint yellow circle around the emblem.

“The yellow circle takes ten years to disappear. When it does, your citizenship will be expired, so get it renewed before then,” Henrik advised.

“Alright, thank you!” the grateful Star said, looking down at the emblem like it was a diamond ring she was just given by the man of her dreams.

“Welcome to Notherland, Star,” Henrik said with a wide grin.

“Thank you! Thank you all!” Star laughed in cheerful excitement. She was even sure that the ambassadors would be pleased with Clover’s sorcery as well, and even more impressed, as she was so young.

“Walk down the bridge to your new nation,” Grimstone said.

“Could I—I want to wait for my sister.” Star pointed up at Clover. Clover wondered what they were saying nervously. She relaxed a bit when she noticed Star was still smiling. Grimstone’s face changed for the worse though.

“Do not be dismayed if your sister is not fit to enter Notherland,” she said. Henrik scowled. He knew it when Grimstone developed some sort of grudge for someone, and he knew that grudge always bore rotten fruit. Star kept her optimistic face.

“I know she’s more fit than I am to enter,” she said.

“I will decide. Go get the girl,” Grimstone told Henrik.

“Marra, take Star a few meters down the bridge while we process her sister.” Star went with one of the women. From there, she watched Clover reach up to where the ambassadors were. She kept a smile so Clover would stop shaking.

“Focus, child – let’s make this quick,” Grimstone’s harsh voice snapped, getting Clover to look from Star to her. Henrik sighed. “Are you the sister of that woman down the bridge?” Grimstone questioned. Clover thought for a second.

“Yes.”

“Are you by any chance a witch as well, then?”

“I am.”

“What level?”

“Well, I can maintain the fourth for a long while, but I have reached even the seventh grade a few times.” Some of the ambassadors laughed, but Grimstone was apparently not amused.

“Are you an idiot, girl?” she asked like the question wasn’t quite rhetorical.

“I’m not lying!” Clover defended.

“You’re raising your voice at me now, child?” Grimstone said with her eyebrows raised. “You know I can have you executed right here? This bridge is Notherlandian property, so be careful.”

“You think you can kill me?!” Clover gasped as she realized what she was saying. She tried to relax. Grimstone’s face was still firm. Star slapped her forehead in sudden stress.

“No entry,” Grimstone said. “You see that? You see how powerful my words are? They aren’t just foolish babbles like yours. Because of my two words, your chance at a life is shattered. You probably dreamed for years of entering our grand school of magic, living the Notherlandian life in big cities, making riches, finding a proper wizard to marry, even seeing the statues of Oga and his children you’re tired of reading about… But now…” Grimstone’s face showed a menacing smirk. “With two words… all those dreams are destroyed…”

Clover’s eyes were wide. Her heart jumped, and with each thumping beat, she came closer to tears. “No… Please… You don’t understand…”

“Begging now, little girl?”

“I have to get to Notherland! Oga has returned from the dead, and he and Kizer will destroy this world as we know it! This god you bow and pray to is the villain who I must face!” Even those on this ship heard this, and much chattering began, even laughing. The ambassadors looked at each other and looked at Grimstone nervously.

“Girl, get back on that ship. Quickly,” Henrik warned with a shaky voice.

“Dare not move!” Grimstone shouted, sounding quite livid. Her eyes flared and the muscles in her face stood out. Not even Henrik and the others had ever seen her like this.

Clover stepped back out of the group quickly. “I don’t care if you’re mad,” Grimstone said. “You have committed the most heinous crime, blaspheming the name of God, tainting Oga’s holy name. Here on this bridge I will judge you for your atrocity!” The woman’s mana flared up, creating a vast cloud of blue.

“No! Please!” Star begged, pushing off the woman that held her off.

“Matter of fact, kill them both!” Grimstone blasted.

“What?! Commander, think this through! What will the onlookers think of the government of Notherland if we kill two girls for the slip of a tongue?!” Henrik pled.

“They will know the loyalty we have to our god.”

“All of you! Rouse your mana and kill these two! That one is strong, so be careful with her!” She pointed down at Star. There were twelve ambassadors there. All but Henrik raised their mana. Some had third grade mana and others, the much weaker second grade, gold mana. Only their leader sported mana at the fourth grade.

“Henrik, will you die with these strangers?!” Grimstone blasted. She and the other Notherlandians shifted to surround Star and Clover, who quickly converged, standing back to back.

“Henrik, right?” Star asked, raising her mana to glow about her. He was too nervous to answer. “Do me a favour. Shift out of here. This fight cannot be good for you. If you fight with them, Clover and I might kill you. If you try to defend us, Grimstone and the others might kill you. Go on.” He nodded shakily and disappeared.

“I will punish that boy later!” Grimstone said, “For now, let us kill these witches!” Some of those on the ship ran back to the cabin area, knowing that a magical battle could easily get nasty and a stray attack could kill many of them in a jiffy. Some stayed in an excited noise. “I’m sorry, Star,” Clover said, and her blue mana appeared about her.

“So this little girl is really at my grade of sorcery?” Grimstone wondered aloud. “Humph… Well she may be at my grade, but she certainly isn’t on my level… And that other girl... Well, strong as they are… Johnson! Gripper! Heli!” Grimstone called out. Three of her underlings nodded in understanding. They stretched their hands out toward the two.

“Gashi Oxinus!” they chorused, and mana of green and blue left their hands and reached the two witches, quickly solidifying to form a hard cube about them.

“Be crushed!” Grimstone blasted, and as one, the four pushed their hands forward abruptly.

“Anam Garadan!” Clover commanded as the walls of solid mana closed in quickly. There was a burst of smoky greenish mana as the cube crashed into the blue sphere of refuge. Star pressed unto Clover’s blue shield and it reddened with a higher mana. “Egrus Anam!” she commanded. Grimstone’s face quickly changed. There was a quick and massive pulse of forceful red mana that sprung from the orb about the two. There were screams and splashes as most of the ambassadors were thrown meters off the bridge into the chilly water. Even those in the ship could feel the violent wind the blast had stirred up.

Star lowered the shield. Grimstone was crouching with a blue shield about her. Another of the Notherlandians, a witch who was also shielded, ran past Grimstone toward her enemies, moving fast with a bright yellow sword she had just summoned. “Senakken!” Star commanded, flashing red mana at the incoming woman. She stood motionless in a sudden paralysis.

“Abingush!” Clover railed, and sent some mana at her. Grimstone ducked as the woman was blasted off with a deadly force. She landed and rolled for a few meters more, making the bridge bloody. With spaceshifts, the sorcerers thrown over the bridge were back in business, making serious assails with summoned weapons. Grimstone watched as her men were easily dismissed by what were simple spells for Star and Clover. With adept paralyses, quick shifting and powerful blasts, the team was more easily defeated than Star and Clover even taught possible.

“What’s she doing?” Clover asked Star, seeing Grimstone grab on to her wrist tightly, a perturb look on her face.

“Backup needed! Requesting a level two assault team immediately!” she called for support.

There was a sudden flurry of appearing bursts of blue as an attack team of Notherlandian soldiers instantly reached the scene. One of the men appeared just before Grimstone. He was the only one who appeared in a cloud of red mana. He instantly caught the attention of the criminals. The soldiers were finely dressed in full suits of shiny black, each one having an airy purple cloak grace himself. They all wore a black scabbard at their side, but the swords they all had in their hands were made of bright mana.

“What is the situation, Ambassador?” the man asked Grimstone, looking curiously out at the witches.

“These two witches have assaulted my team and have murdered some of my men. They are not as weak as they look. You should--”

“We’ll take it from here, Ambassador,” the man said calmly.

“By the way, that ship of rebels, I want you to sink it. The name of Notherland might be tainted if they--”

“I understand,” the man said. He was the only one of the soldiers not carrying a sword. He held his hand in position and a staff appeared in it. There was a small red gem at the tip of the rod. He tapped the bridge with the stick, and the yellow platform suddenly enlarged many times over, stretching even past the ship, making it unable to move.

“Star, what do we do?” Clover asked nervously, “Even the people on the ship are in trouble now,” she fretted. There was a chaotic sea of noise gushing from the large vessel. In panic, some of them jumped overboard, but only to land on the yellow bridge that could not lead to safety. Some of them that jumped down on the yellow platform carried some kind of make-ship weapon.

“Don’t think you magicians can easily kill all of us here!” one young man said, holding two kitchen knives. He was a chef on the ship. He played with the knives adeptly to show his skill.

“Attack!” the commander gave the order, and by the second, swords of gleaming hot mana were already ripping through the flesh of the poor mortals. Clover glanced back at the ship in the bloody chaos of savage killing. There were screams, slashes, deadly spells, the splattering of blood, the confiscation of heads.

“No!” Tears ran down Clover’s face as she stared out at the soldiers slaughtering the crying, screaming people. Men, women, children; the soldiers spared no one. About a dozen of them had shifted into the ship and were killing like monsters.

“This is all my fault…” Clover muttered to herself in a timeless span of hazy panic.

“Clover!” the girl heard Star’s desperate shout. The girl gasped as she saw one of the soldiers pull a gleaming sword out of the woman’s chest.

“Sister!!” There was a sudden wind and the cracks snaked through the yellow platform from where Clover stood. Purple mana burned the air about the girl. The solders, Grimstone and those left of her team watched with wide eyes, with disbelief.

“Sixth…” Grimstone struggled to utter. The young with made a beastly shout, then uttered a spell that was on a level far beyond anyone else there.

“Forbidden Technique! Hands of the Water Goddess!” She stretched her hands out with a wild look on her face, and the sea quaked beneath and around them. The fighting sorcerers froze in fright. Some held shaking swords above the heads of men and women on the ship, looking about, wondering what was happening.

“What is this power?!” the commander yelped as he watched two giantly massive hands rise up from the sea, hands made of the sea itself. All this was like some strange nightmare. A few times the size of the ship, the hands clamped in on everything and everyone there, creating a powerful and frenzied flood that made the yellow platform collapse.

The roaring waters finally settled, but not to leave everyone drowned. Staring out at the marvellous sight was the Assault Team’s commander, his staff gripped firmly in his left hand. He stood on the back of a small red dragonite – a premature dragon of a certain breed – and a thick red shield of mana was about him. With quick spells, the adept sorcery had effortlessly summoned these to save him from Clover’s attack. “What the…” He saw that there was a massive sphere of purple mana around the ship. That explained why the hoards of water didn’t destroy or overturn the vessel. “But…” On a close look, he saw that the young witch was standing on the deck, holding the badly bleeding woman in her hands. As the soldiers on board were about to continue their attack, streaks of blinding mana stretched themselves from within the purple sphere and struck each of them. The men cried out as a painful paralysis struck them. They fell, their swords falling by them.

“What sorcery is that?!” the commander wondered. His dragonite flew up a few meters and he scouted the waters. He saw that most of his men had shifted to the nearby Notherlandian shore, saving some of the ambassadors. A few were still struggling in the still bothered body of water. “The esteem bringing this witch down will bring me,” the man considered, smirking a little. “I must gather whoever is left alive and lead a massive attack on the witch.” He raised his staff and uttered a powerful command. “Summoning! Dragonite Nest!” He commanded and the

red gem on his staff shone brightly. A red portal appeared in the air, and out flew a few dozen beasts, each identical to the one he was on. As soon as the dragonites appeared, in clouds of mana, the commander’s men went on their backs, and even a few of the ambassadors, including Grimstone of course. The stern-faced woman pointed out toward the ship.

“Kill that witch! Sink that boat!” she ordered like she was the commanding soldier there.

“As she says!” the commander reiterated, and in rapid flight, the winged creatures surrounded the shielded vessel. People were still crying and screaming inside.

“Is she even supporting that shield?” the leading soldier asked himself, reaching up close. He saw that Clover was on her knees crying over the dead-looking woman, seemingly not paying attention to the shield, yet it was still quite stable.

“Star… Please, wake up!” Clover cried. Star’s face was pale, her dress heavy with blood, her eyes shut and her mouth slightly open. “No! Sister!!”

“Damn witch! Do something! They’re going to attack!” a voice came forth even above the noise. Clover glanced up, her face struck with great sorrow.

“Anal Resal!” the commanding soldier blasted, pointing his staff at the purple sphere. With that, a beam of concentrated magical power came forth from the weapon and struck the shield. In combination, the other sorcerers surrounding the ship sent at it their most powerful attacks. Even the dragonites sent streams of fire at the magical shield. There was a mighty sound and a pulsing wind and a blinding light as the shield was struck with magic and fire. Suddenly, it was like everyone in the ship had gone blind. There was pandemonium in what quickly changed from blinding light to a thick blackness. The place quaked and the noise was stifling. The traumatic effect of the event caused a few to collapse. A woman even died of terror, having survived a fight with one of the trained soldiers.

Grimstone grew confused as the immense light from the blast vanished, consumed by a power that few sorcerers saw firsthand. “What in the name of Oga…” Grimstone’s jaws dropped and she released the blue sword she was grasping, making it disappear.

“C—commander…” one of the soldiers muttered, glancing nervously over to his leader, but only to see a face of fear just the same as his. Making rapid revolutions about the ship was mana that far surpassed the sixth grade. Frozen in fear, the dragonite riders watched their doom approach as hands made of black mana emerged from the sphere of black power. As the gigantic hands were about to kill them, they turned to purple, along with the rotating sphere. Grimstone saw a solid darkness in the girl’s eyes fade as she collapsed. The hands, and the body of mana turned red, then quickly blue, then disappeared altogether. The young witch then seemed to lose consciousness, though she was still kneeling above the woman, her head hung down. On the ship and on the dragons wreaked a sudden silence of awe and wonder.

“Now, you idiots! Attack before she awakes!” Grimstone blasted, materializing blue swords, getting her senses back. The commander got his head back together as well.

“Sink that ship, soldiers!” he gave the order. But as they were about to attack, there was another twist in the tale.

An elaborate body of purple mana appeared in the air above them. “Stand down, all of you!” a voice of supremacy ordered. Everyone looked up at a noble woman who was standing on a floating purple platform, a half square meter of floor in the air. Her majestic purple dress with the emblem of Notherland fluttered rowdily in the night breeze. In two fast shifts eyes struggled to follow, the woman was out on the water where the yellow bridge was. As she touched the water, a purple floor extended from beneath her, quickly spanning many meters and even reaching to the ship and the shore of Notherland. Clover and Star were on the purple floor with her. She was kneeling by them, already applying high-level healing magic.

Tens of mana clouds appeared as the Notherlandians spaceshifted and reached about the woman, kneeling and bowing their heads before her. With a fast command, the dragonites were returned through the red portal that had entered through.

“S-s-supreme Councillor,” Grimstone’s voice trembled. She was being careful not to make eye contact with the Notherlandian leader. Councillor Hawthorne finally stood, giving nastily threatening glances to those there who bore the crest of her country, the symbol of the race of their god.


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Sat Jul 12, 2014 8:51 pm
unpublishedperson wrote a review...



Unpublishedperson here to review chapter 6! Boy, I sure am on a roll here with these reviews! Just this, and chapter 7, and then I will have 5-9 down! Then its a matter of doing 1-4, but that is for another time. Before doing 1-4, make sure to PM me with some advice on the input you want! I plan on doing all of this book now, so don't hold back!

“Select citizens?! But I already paid my house’s worth in gold to get here!”

“So you mean they might send me back home?!”

“Why are we just hearing of this?!”

“Are you insane, Captain?!”

“After so many months of travelling, you mean to tell me…”


Instead of having so many people saying so many things all at once, you might want to focus on some select bit of dialogue, describing who is saying it, how they are felling, and the reactions that it is causing. That way you can convey the tension of the situation in more detail.

I assess there are 13,680 passengers here on board


I felt like this was too large of a number for any ship, but then again I dont know the context so I could be wrong.

“Sister!!”


You need only one exclamation point.

The young with made a beastly shout


Edit this sentence a bit

Forbidden Technique! Hands of the Water Goddess!


You might want to cut out the forbidden technique part, it does some a tad chessy to me. Just saying Hands of the Water Goddess is fine.

He commanded and the

red gem on his staff shone brightly. A red portal appeared in the air, and out flew a few dozen beasts, each identical to the one he was on.


Put these together!

A woman even died of terror


This seemed a bit melodramatic and out of place. You don't need it, I think.

But as they were about to attack, there was another twist in the tale.


You might want to just describe what happens right away, rather than say that. It sort of interrupts the flow of things.

Overall, though, this has been my favorite chapter so far. It did seem a bit too long, maybe better as a 2-parter like you said, and I felt like the section with Lex could have been cut out and put elsewhere. I think that you could also do some trimming and revising of the battle, but on the whole it was a lot of fun to read. I loved how the levels of mana kept on rising, and how things kept of escalating. That boat and the yellow bridge was great place for such a battle to take place.
I really think your battle scenes are creative and the best part of reading this!




AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for another incredible reviews! I will read these reviews yet another time when doing a mass editing over all the chapters. You're really one of the best reviewers I've met.





Thank you so very much, I am glad you find at least some of this input to be of use:)



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:14 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I agree with the comment below, you should have posted this in two parts. I. Just. Kept. Scrolling. XD
I seriously thought this wasn't going to end. Now, I have some negatives think to say about this work O.O

Possible Improvement Points:

1. Make it shorter, split it into two parts or whatever, just do something to cut down on the bulk XD
2. Don't open the chapter with that massive chunk of description. I was like: WHOA! Too much to process for an opening. *giggles*
3. Find a way to make the action less incessant, break it into sections where you have the characters resting and just telling jokes or something.

They are just constantly going:

“Now, you idiots! Attack before she awakes!” Grimstone blasted, materializing blue swords, getting her senses back. The commander got his head back together as well.

“Sink that ship, soldiers!” he gave the order. But as they were about to attack, there was another twist in the tale., like... they never stop!

I did enjoy reading this, you know about the praise I have previously given and it still applies.
btw, what was the name of the original novel you got published? :)




AdjiFlex says...


yes, good points there. Thanks for reading this massive chapter. Didn't realize it was so long till I started scrolling it myself. The original Book is Black Eyes Book 1: The Seventh Spirit (By Adam Webb - in case you wanna google search it). That book is not as packed with fighting as this one. It was more about building the characters as persons and so on and building a foundation story line to make book 2 understandable.



EmeraldEyes says...


Alright. Yeah, I might check it out. :D



AdjiFlex says...


that'd be wondrous!



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 12:28 am
AdjiFlex says...



Ok, so maybe I should have posted this chapter in 2 parts...





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