Hello!
To start off, I'd like to say how I didn't except this poem to feel so pleasant and I'm glad that it does. As I was reading, I kept thinking, "Wow, this kid just really hates his existence right now. But I like his attitude." I'm not sure if that's the kind of impression this poem is supposed to give off, but that's what I got from it.
I'd also like to comment on your capitalization. I like that you made proper nouns out of certain words: Desolate, Nothingness, Limbo Line Train. These words aren't necessarily depressing, which is what I thought this poem would be like from the description. Instead, it's very calculated and almost nonchalant in the context that they are used. I think you made the right choice in capitalizing those words.
I loved that you have the line "And so it goes" because (and I'm not sure if I'm right in assuming this) it reminded me of "Slaughterhouse 5" by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (I hated that book.) But this particular line felt right just like it does in Vonnegut's book. This is actually where I got the impression of some kid with attitude. The sentences are clipped. The obvious is stated. The tone has changed and I loved every part of it.
One thing I did have a problem with, however, is the "Choo choo" from the last stanza. It felt out of place. It threw me off from the poem and therefore threw me out of the world you had created. I think you should get rid of that line, or at least just that part, and put in something to contrast or juxtaposition the last two lines of the poem. Write about what these people offered the speaker, and what he offered them back.
Keep writing and good luck,
Dianne E.C.E.
Points: 5524
Reviews: 56
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